To think women need not disclose exact savings to partners?

[ByWorthyGreyOrca]

I think it’s reasonable for a woman to maintain some financial privacy, even in a relationship.
For example, saying you have savings feels sufficient but I’m not sure the exact amount always needs to be disclosed. For me, it’s more about independence and having a sense of security.

AIBU?

I couldn’t be with someone who I felt I needed to keep secrets from.

Not if you were in a long term
committed relationship/marriage, no. If you don’t trust them enough to share then you should question your relationship.

Can't abide the term 'partner'. People seem to use it for someone they've been seeing for a matter of weeks these days.

Nothing wrong with keeping your own personal finances a secret as long as you don't mind if your partner hides their finances from you.

I’ve never felt the need to keep any secrets from DH or vice versa. We have joint bank accounts, savings and investments and for tax reasons individual accounts. DH has full access to my accounts, passwords, pension funds etc. It’s all been fully discussed throughout our marriage and particularly when we were retirement planning.

So how would that work when you’re family planning, buying a house, planning holidays, weddings etc??

It’s a bit strange not to know whether your partner has 2k or 20k or 200k in savings.

I wouldn’t tell someone I was getting to know but I’d tell someone I was planning a life with.

I think you may be reading more into my post than I intended. I’m not saying keep finances completely secret, just that “I have savings” and “here is the exact amount in every account” are two different levels of disclosure.

My husband is a lovely, generous man and I can’t see anything ever going wrong, but I do still have a few k tucked away in a separate isa to all of our shared family finances. It was a savings pot I’ve had all my life, and would be my immediate rainy day fund if something suddenly happened.

I have a friend who asked to separate from her husband and that very day he moved money out of the joint account to somewhere she couldn’t access it. I’ve heard of other women on here who have found they’re married to secret gamblers or husbands who lose everything on bitcoin.

My husband also has a small amount of personal savings which I don’t pry into.

I think it’s normal to allow each other to have financial independence.

Doesn't and never has bothered me, had joint accounts from the day we married then a savings and an account each...if my dh asked what was in my personal I would happily tell him and vice versa tho saying that I or him just need to log in and see tbh lol. If you feel secure and trust who your dh is there's no need for secrets and I just realised he must know because if I happen to say I've been and got kids clothes or booked a holiday etc he transfers me several times a month but I don't expect him to and it's just one of those things we are comfortable doing what we do no huge convos needed etc just natural for us to share everything

Doesn't and never has bothered me, had joint accounts from the day we married then a savings and an account each...if my dh asked what was in my personal I would happily tell him and vice versa tho saying that I or him just need to log in and see tbh lol. If you feel secure and trust who your dh is there's no need for secrets and I just realised he must know because if I happen to say I've been and got kids clothes or booked a holiday etc he transfers me several times a month but I don't expect him to and it's just one of those things we are comfortable doing what we do no huge convos needed etc just natural for us to share everything

The problem is that the definition of “partner” varies enormously.

What about men, why only mention women? Surely if a woman expects to keep her savings amount hidden a man shouldn’t have to declare what he has?

Why wouldn’t you want your DH to know the level of your savings? How do you do financial planning without transparency?

Both DH and I have separate accounts and savings. We each have a document listing account numbers etc should the other need it in an emergency. But I have no idea how much is actually in his accounts (as he doesn’t pay that close attention so even he doesn’t know - and some of his are investment a/c’s not just savings so values go down as well as up). I track mine fairly diligently and coincidentally had a conversation this weekend as I was slightly concerned about locking away a portion of it for a year when we may need some liquidity during that year - so he knows roughly what I have liquid and what I am locking away for 12 months, but no idea where it all is or how to access it without my management list - just that I can access what we’d be likely to need if I have to.

We’re married for over 25 years and have always helped each other out if needed, but built our own stash (or wasted our own on frivolous things or more courses or a bigger car…) independently, as long as both had some buffer.

Both DH and I have separate accounts and savings. We each have a document listing account numbers etc should the other need it in an emergency. But I have no idea how much is actually in his accounts (as he doesn’t pay that close attention so even he doesn’t know - and some of his are investment a/c’s not just savings so values go down as well as up). I track mine fairly diligently and coincidentally had a conversation this weekend as I was slightly concerned about locking away a portion of it for a year when we may need some liquidity during that year - so he knows roughly what I have liquid and what I am locking away for 12 months, but no idea where it all is or how to access it without my management list - just that I can access what we’d be likely to need if I have to.

We’re married for over 25 years and have always helped each other out if needed, but built our own stash (or wasted our own on frivolous things or more courses or a bigger car…) independently, as long as both had some buffer.

Sorry didn’t intend multiple posts

I think this really depends on the person and the relationship. I don’t have secrets from my husband and don’t feel the need to but our finances are all joint. It’s a pot.

Of course, men can feel exactly the same way. I mentioned women because I’m a woman and was speaking from that perspective. The broader point applies either way.

I think this is the key really for me at least

I’m not advocating secrecy. I just don’t think financial transparency automatically has to mean disclosing every exact figure down to the penny. There’s room between completely hidden and full financial audit.

How are you defining Partner OP?

A serious long-term partner / spouse, not someone you’re casually dating. Even in that context, I still think broad transparency and full disclosure are two slightly different things.

I suspect there would be uproar on here if a woman found out her DH had secret savings she didn't know about.

It’s weird. Also, why only women OP?

No, I think there should be complete transparency about finances. I would consider it vitally important.

Depends on the relationship. If you are unmarried, not unreasonable. 50/50 costs and none of his business. If you are married and / or planning a child together - it matters as you will be financially intertwined.