To think women need not disclose exact savings to partners?

[ByWorthyGreyOrca]

I think it’s reasonable for a woman to maintain some financial privacy, even in a relationship.
For example, saying you have savings feels sufficient but I’m not sure the exact amount always needs to be disclosed. For me, it’s more about independence and having a sense of security.

AIBU?

Yes women expect it off men but dont want to disclose themselves so women want men to fund them just because they are women?

No I don't agree. If you're married you pull your resources. That's the whole point of it.

…it can’t just be me who feels like this is completely unrealistic?!

Financial transparency is important to me, having been in a financially abusive relationship where my ex hid money that should have been family money.

Financial independence is important to me too, for the same reason which is why I have a “fuck-off fund”, as they say.

I would make it clear to any serious long term partner who I was looking at joining finances with that although I expect and am happy to have fully joint finances, I also have a private savings account of X amount that is my personal security. He is welcome to hold the same.

Why?

Yeah I'd go with this.

There was a point when DH and I knew fairly accurately what was in each other's accounts (buying a house) but while we pool some money in a joint account for household stuff, the rest is ours to look after and know about individually. Our individual savings accounts aren't secrets, per se - I know his exists, he knows mine exists - but we don't know how much is in each other's and we don't consider them each other's business.

I'm not on board with "what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine" as a mindset at all, sorry. The idea of all my money getting pooled in one joint account that someone else can access is the stuff of nightmares for me.

I update our accounts every month, have done for many years. His and mine on separate excel sheets and a summary of rolling totals. He can see it all, but only really looks at his own. Nothing is exactly secret, and although I update his figures monthly if you asked me now I wouldn't be able to quote anything accurately, I just update the figures. We did use a joint account when money was very tight years ago, but still had our own accounts as well.

In our family too, obviously. My inheritance is, and will continue to be, used for the benefit of our family.

However, you said "if we split we each get half anyway whether it's hidden in a secret account or not." That's not necessarily the case. It's not an absolute guarantee, but an inheritance generally doesn't count as family assets in a divorce unless you've already chosen to treat it that way, for example by putting it in a joint account. It is vanishingly unlikely but, should my husband and I divorce, my inheritance is more likely to continue to be used to benefit MY family and not someone else's precisely because I have kept it separate.

People are free to share their finances as they choose. A big showy display of generosity isn't going to make my marriage stronger than it already is.

That's the thing, I have a "fuck off fund", it's roughly 6 months rent on a 3 bedroom house and some extra to cover basics for me and the kids until I can start earning. DH is well aware of it, and thinks it's a perfectly sensible thing for me to have. I don't see why it has to be a secret unless there's been a history of, or concern about financial abuse?

It isn't unrealistic. I totally agree with you.

I presume that all of those on here advocating total pooling and transparency have never experienced any form of financial control or abuse so are speaking from a naive and rose tinted spectacles point of view.

Everyone should have a "fuck off" fund if they want to.

I have experienced financial abuse which is why I advocate both full transparency AND a fuck off fund.

I have zero idea how much money my DH has, and he has zero idea of how much I have. Doesn't seem that important to me really. But maybe it's because it's a second marriage. As long as the bills and expenses are covered, then I'm comfortable with that. I'd be more concerned with hidden debt than hidden savings.

You'd absolute hate mine and DH's arrangement.

We sit down together on the first of every month and go through every single account and product we have - joint ones and individual ones - noting down the exact amount in each.

Totally transparent, full financial audit each month 😅

We do similar on a more ad hoc basis. We both know exactly how much money we have available as couple. It’s recorded on a spreadsheet. Pensions, savings, everything.

Not for me. I think financial manipulation is one of the worst forms of abuse going. Anything other than 100% transparency with regards to financials when in a marriage/partnership.

You will note i am not commenting on how the financials are split but when there are huge differences and secrets it usually leads to manipulation and control.

Friend of dh lost his wife . He has just found out that she had 30k in an account which she hadn’t told him about .
He is upset about this

If you have been together long term, live together, near enough married, have kids or even share a dog, then I'd say you should not feel the need to hide money from them.

Even if you've seprerate finances it would be dishonest to have tens of thousands stashed away and you're claiming poverty. That goes for both sexes.

But if you're just boyfriend and girlfriend then I agree you shouldn't need to tell them everything. As long as it isn't disadvantaging them. Like if you were a gambling addict for example that would disadvantage the whole relationship.

It's not a question of trust. I was 52 when married my husband. I had an adult child and we had both previously owned houses. We decided to have a joint account for bills including mortgage but our own accounts on top of that. My independence means a lot to me.

Same.

I think a lot of posters are assuming not telling your partner/them not knowing equates to money being hidden or stashed away secretly. That's not true in our case and I doubt we're alone. DH doesn't (as far as I know) know how much I have in savings because he's never asked. It's not a secret, I don't hide it, it's just not that important. Perhaps he does know. It would be easy to find out - the paperwork is filed at home.

If living together or planning to buy, I don’t see why the need for secrecy. My cousin has been married for 18yrs and has no idea how much her DH has in savings (in his name only). She thinks its 150k plus. He was late 30’s when she met him, and had already paid off his mortgage, but they took out another when they had DC and bought a house together. Friend has been a SAHM for over a decade, but could work now if she wanted to, as both DC will be in secondary this year and her DH works at home some days too, so there when they get in (even it not, both old enough to let themselves in etc). But she doesn’t want to work, but has zero say in what money is spent on, and her DH can be tight for some things. I know she’s been frustrated many a time when she wants to buy something and he doesn’t agree.

Legally its half hers, so not sure the amount is not disclosed. I couldn’t live like that, i’d way too independent but guess her choice as she could work if wanted to.

Well my partner doesn't know exactly how much savings I have not me him. However we are not going to have kids ( too old) not but a house together. If we plan holidays we just ask what kind of budget each other have in mind

We pay into a joint account to cover all our family costs, we pay into savings for the kids, and then savings for family hols, new washing machine, emergency funds. The rest is ours and we don't make it our business. We have our shared needs covered but both want our own independent finances as well. We've been married years, own a house, have kids, very happy. Don't see an issue with not knowing.

It’s not the same is it? If coercive control and domestic abuse were 50/50 then yes but it’s not men who are usually needing an escape fund

Dh knows what I have and I know what he has as it’s all there on multiple spreadsheets. We each have access to all the information. However as all our money is in sole name accounts - split in my favour then we each effectively have a fuck off fund