Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want a more relaxed co-parenting relationship with my ex's wife?

55 replies

Lemonthyme · 04/05/2026 14:07

I share custody of my DS with my ex. Years ago, my ex husband remarried and they had a kid together.

I'm really happy for him and his wife and while it felt weird for a little while that my DS has a half sister I had no say in, it's also been great for him to be a big brother.

There's just one thing. When my ex got remarried, I'd always hoped that we could be adult enough that we could all get on. I get on with my ex, that's 100% fine but his wife has always treated me with suspicion. If I'm dropping off my son or something he's forgotten etc, I'm never allowed beyond the door, even if it's chucking it down with rain and normally I know my ex tries to manage it so I don't turn up when only his wife is in (so it's rarely her who answers the door).

I'm not forcing anything and never would but at some point in the future, our son might marry and I don't want it to be weird when that day comes. Also when we first split up, we'd occasionally meet for a brew or I'd stop for a cup of tea when dropping him off so we could update each other on what he's doing, any issues etc and genuinely coparent.

In contrast, my ex has met my partner loads of times. Even being at the same birthday party once which was fine. They got on fine and I know it would be no issue at all in the future. My partner isn't around much when my ex comes over but is completely unbothered when he does. Doesn't mind if he walks in etc and wouldn't mind if he stopped for a few mins.

Am I expecting too much? I don't see my ex's wife as the evil Step Mother. (What a horrible trope that is.) But even when I picked up our DS from their wedding (at my ex's request because he wanted me to look after him for some additional days for their honeymoon) I was told by my ex that I wasn't allowed to come to the venue but to wait down the road for his sister to bring him to me. (I get why she wouldn't want to see me on her big day but I could have waited outside the venue and wouldn't have been any bother.)

I'm very careful how I speak about my ex and his wife to my son. I always back them up. There's not anything bad or concerning that comes up but I don't get the impression he has the closest relationship with her. Not that it would really matter anyway. He doesn't need to have four parents and I understand taking on a level of parental responsibility for my DS is not something that comes easily to others (and I don't expect it).

I suppose it's not a big deal. But I don't want it to become a big deal either. How could I reassure her I'm actually not horrible and in no way a threat?

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 04/05/2026 14:09

Yanbu. She sounds very insecure. Sadly, it's unlikely that she will ever change.

Bellasmellsofwee · 04/05/2026 14:11

My ex husbands wife was always the same.

I mean, I should have been the arsehole as they had an affair for three years, but I was never anything by friendly and kind he was a dickhead and he looked like shrek so he wasn’t a big loss.

Ds is an adult now but she’s never let up for a second.

ETA - I don’t have any advice as I never managed to crack it. Just let her be how she is, it must be exhausting to be like that.

BambooLampshade · 04/05/2026 14:12

I would say just leave it. The more you try and make her behave how you want, the more she won't like it.

I wouldn't be worrying about your son's hypothetical wedding day just yet, either.

cheeseomelette · 04/05/2026 14:14

Yanbu - my experience isn’t dissmilar. I think if we are kind and reasonable it somehow doesn’t fit with the expected narrative.

PepsiBook · 04/05/2026 14:16

Maybe ask her out for a coffee?
Just tell her that you'd really like to be friendly with eachother, but no pressure if she does not want to.
All you can do is try.

InterIgnis · 04/05/2026 14:23

Step back. She’s made it clear that she isn’t open to the type of relationship/dynamic that you want. It doesn’t matter that your partner is fine with it - she isn’t.

You’re not unreasonable in wanting a friendlier dynamic, but she isn’t wrong in not wanting it either. Different things work for different people.

FruitFlyPie · 04/05/2026 14:24

I would also say leave it and don't worry about it. She doesn't want to have a coffee, that's fine isn't it. If it's raining just get back in the car.

It's not helpful thinking that she is suspicious of you. She might think you're just fine but just be busy or not bothered to chat. In a way you are being suspicious of her, wondering about her motives, when her behaviour could be explained another way.

There's no new partners in my co parenting relationship and we get on fine, but we don't go inside when dropping off. Not because of animosity but I'm there to drop kids off then I get on with my day.

And I wouldn't frame it as worry about your sons wedding day, that's one day, at least 20-40 years in the future, who knows if he will even marry, maybe the ex will be divorced by then, or dead, who knows if society as we know it will even exist at that point. You will seem UR if you bring that up.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/05/2026 14:25

Are you beautiful or successful or otherwise intimidating? Maybe your ex always talks so highly of you (as you do sounds great) that you’ve become a bone of contention in their marriage and she’s either jealous or your name reminds her of arguments they’ve had

Endofyear · 04/05/2026 14:35

Yes it would be nice to have a more relaxed relationship with your son's stepmum but you can't force a relationship with someone who doesn't want one. As long as she's not unkind to your son, I wouldn't let it bother you. It sounds like she's insecure - who knows what has happened to her in the past, she may have good reason for feeling that way.

Original poster
Lemonthyme · 04/05/2026 15:09

All very fair points. Thank you.

God no @Unexpectedlysinglemum . I'm just normal. Barely ever wear make up. Don't work in a glamorous profession. More likely to be seen out running than in a hairdresser.

OP posts:
Odellio · 04/05/2026 15:22

Depends, if you and ex are amicable and you’ve both been easily co-parenting without drama then it’s just her own insecurities causing the issue. Everyone says as a step mum ‘you chose that life’ but it is hard to fall in love with someone who has existing children/been married before, your firsts aren’t their firsts and that can bring up a lot of dodgy feelings. The wedding day thing is probably a good example of that if you and ex were previously married. I wouldn’t have wanted a reminder of not being his first to make those promises to on my wedding day. You sound lovely and I’m sure she wouldn’t have seen you, but by having you not at the venue, she had control over definitely not seeing you by accident.

If there’s been no drama, reaching out to her to try and squash these insecurities might be a good idea. My advice would be different if there has been issues between you and your ex since separation. For example, my DH’s ex isn’t welcome into our home, but because she threatened DH’s life, amongst other unhinged things. But you sound normal so it’s probably nothing like that, just a her problem.

nomas · 04/05/2026 16:09

She is never going to have the relaxed relationship with you that your ex has with your partner, not least because she slept with a married man.

Remember that there will be some other complexes at play here. She knows she slept with a married man for 3 years so will be wondering if he will cheat with you or someone else. Because she is capable of it, she assumes you are capable of it as well.

Her relationship was created on a bed of lies, she will always be looking over her shoulder.

Stop trying to appease her or get her on side. Limit your exposure to her. Send dc is from your car, don’t give her opportunities to give you the cold shoulder, she clearly lives for these opportunities.

Sartre · 04/05/2026 16:21

It’s a weird one isn’t it because in normal circumstances you wouldn’t want to hang out with your spouse’s ex, why would that ever occur? But when kids are involved you’re expected to ‘be the bigger person’ and go for a coffee with them. I don’t know, she just doesn’t like you or want to spend time with you. I wouldn’t even bother trying to force it.

maudelovesharold · 04/05/2026 16:34

Remember that there will be some other complexes at play here. She knows she slept with a married man for 3 years so will be wondering if he will cheat with you or someone else. Because she is capable of it, she assumes you are capable of it as well.
Her relationship was created on a bed of lies, she will always be looking over her shoulder.

That was another poster’s experience, not the op’s.

Original poster
Lemonthyme · 04/05/2026 16:39

nomas · 04/05/2026 16:09

She is never going to have the relaxed relationship with you that your ex has with your partner, not least because she slept with a married man.

Remember that there will be some other complexes at play here. She knows she slept with a married man for 3 years so will be wondering if he will cheat with you or someone else. Because she is capable of it, she assumes you are capable of it as well.

Her relationship was created on a bed of lies, she will always be looking over her shoulder.

Stop trying to appease her or get her on side. Limit your exposure to her. Send dc is from your car, don’t give her opportunities to give you the cold shoulder, she clearly lives for these opportunities.

Where did I say she slept with him when he was married?

OP posts:
nomas · 04/05/2026 16:40

Lemonthyme · 04/05/2026 16:39

Where did I say she slept with him when he was married?

Show quote history

Ah sorry it’s another poster above who talked about the exH and step mum having a 3 year affair.

NeedATreat · 04/05/2026 16:43

YANBU. Although reading about his wife wanting you to wait down the street for your child to he brought to you after their wedding (SWBU), it reminded me that my DH’s ex-wife invited herself to be at our house on the morning of our wedding so she could see their DD getting ready to be a bridesmaid 🤣🤣🤣 She was told very clearly that she could forget that little plan.

whittingtonmum · 04/05/2026 16:45

I think you need to let this one go and accept the boundaries this new blended family has set with regards to their home and your role in it.

I really, really wouldn't worry about a future wedding day at this stage. If the day comes I am sure everyone who is still around to celebrate it will make it work somehow for the sake of the bride and groom. Not sure having cuppas in people's kitchen over a decade or more is a prerequisite for a successful wedding.

Schoolchoicesucks · 04/05/2026 16:45

nomas · 04/05/2026 16:40

Ah sorry it’s another poster above who talked about the exH and step mum having a 3 year affair.

Edited
Show quote history

That wasn't the OP

Bellasmellsofwee · 04/05/2026 16:47

NeedATreat · 04/05/2026 16:43

YANBU. Although reading about his wife wanting you to wait down the street for your child to he brought to you after their wedding (SWBU), it reminded me that my DH’s ex-wife invited herself to be at our house on the morning of our wedding so she could see their DD getting ready to be a bridesmaid 🤣🤣🤣 She was told very clearly that she could forget that little plan.

My ex husband came to my wedding to look after ds all day as ds was a wanderer 🤣 he also came to my dads funeral to look after our ds AND my dds with my now husband, as he is one of the only people I trust with all my children, regardless if they are biologically his, and me and dh were busy having to run around after elderly relatives. His wife was invited, but she hates me, no idea why. My ex h and my husband have a good relationship.

We’re all different though I guess!

likeafishneedsabike · 04/05/2026 16:49

BambooLampshade · 04/05/2026 14:12

I would say just leave it. The more you try and make her behave how you want, the more she won't like it.

I wouldn't be worrying about your son's hypothetical wedding day just yet, either.

It’s good that OP has thought about it as a potential future event. But actually she will be mother of the groom and the ex’s wife will be a peripheral member of the wedding party. The new wife sounds like a socially awkward sort so will hopefully hide under a big hat and keep her mouth shut.

Iwanttobeafraser · 04/05/2026 16:50

It sounds like she's go tsom eboundaries that are a bit odd and unnecessary from everyone else's perspective, but for her, they work. The result is a less good relationship with you and the chances of slightly stilted events in the future. So be it.

I would say though that she might chill out over time so I'd let it go and just continue as you do with your ex, your DS and a fairly amicable and successful co parenting arrangement.

NeedATreat · 04/05/2026 16:50

Bellasmellsofwee · 04/05/2026 16:47

My ex husband came to my wedding to look after ds all day as ds was a wanderer 🤣 he also came to my dads funeral to look after our ds AND my dds with my now husband, as he is one of the only people I trust with all my children, regardless if they are biologically his, and me and dh were busy having to run around after elderly relatives. His wife was invited, but she hates me, no idea why. My ex h and my husband have a good relationship.

We’re all different though I guess!

Edited
Show quote history

It would probably have been relevant for me to add that the DD was late teens! She and my DH had a coldly polite relationship, I definitely did not want her kicking around my house whilst I was getting ready for my wedding!

Iwanttobeafraser · 04/05/2026 16:52

likeafishneedsabike · 04/05/2026 16:49

It’s good that OP has thought about it as a potential future event. But actually she will be mother of the groom and the ex’s wife will be a peripheral member of the wedding party. The new wife sounds like a socially awkward sort so will hopefully hide under a big hat and keep her mouth shut.

Show quote history

Or not come at all. DH's step mother made an excuse to avoid our wedding. We all knew it was an excuse but she had the grace to make it one that was believable.

Frankly, neither of us minded her ocming but I think MIL was pleased she wasn't there so it worked out. (not least as FIL and her then broke up 10 years later!.)

likeafishneedsabike · 04/05/2026 16:57

Iwanttobeafraser · 04/05/2026 16:52

Or not come at all. DH's step mother made an excuse to avoid our wedding. We all knew it was an excuse but she had the grace to make it one that was believable.

Frankly, neither of us minded her ocming but I think MIL was pleased she wasn't there so it worked out. (not least as FIL and her then broke up 10 years later!.)

Show quote history

Well this is it - the new marriage might have broken down by then anyway. There’s no telling.
My dad has a son by a previous marriage. On the eve of my half brother’s wedding, I went to my the house of my dad’s ex wife with my mum and dad. The ex wife’s husband was there. It was social occasion engineered to break the ice before the wedding day itself as my mum and the ex had barely met before (my half brother lived in a different country to us).
Seems like this is the vibe OP would like but it’s unlikely to happen with the ex being so stand offish. Her choice to make it awkward - there’s no actual need.