AIBU to want a more relaxed co-parenting relationship with my ex's wife?

[Lemonthyme]

I share custody of my DS with my ex. Years ago, my ex husband remarried and they had a kid together.

I'm really happy for him and his wife and while it felt weird for a little while that my DS has a half sister I had no say in, it's also been great for him to be a big brother.

There's just one thing. When my ex got remarried, I'd always hoped that we could be adult enough that we could all get on. I get on with my ex, that's 100% fine but his wife has always treated me with suspicion. If I'm dropping off my son or something he's forgotten etc, I'm never allowed beyond the door, even if it's chucking it down with rain and normally I know my ex tries to manage it so I don't turn up when only his wife is in (so it's rarely her who answers the door).

I'm not forcing anything and never would but at some point in the future, our son might marry and I don't want it to be weird when that day comes. Also when we first split up, we'd occasionally meet for a brew or I'd stop for a cup of tea when dropping him off so we could update each other on what he's doing, any issues etc and genuinely coparent.

In contrast, my ex has met my partner loads of times. Even being at the same birthday party once which was fine. They got on fine and I know it would be no issue at all in the future. My partner isn't around much when my ex comes over but is completely unbothered when he does. Doesn't mind if he walks in etc and wouldn't mind if he stopped for a few mins.

Am I expecting too much? I don't see my ex's wife as the evil Step Mother. (What a horrible trope that is.) But even when I picked up our DS from their wedding (at my ex's request because he wanted me to look after him for some additional days for their honeymoon) I was told by my ex that I wasn't allowed to come to the venue but to wait down the road for his sister to bring him to me. (I get why she wouldn't want to see me on her big day but I could have waited outside the venue and wouldn't have been any bother.)

I'm very careful how I speak about my ex and his wife to my son. I always back them up. There's not anything bad or concerning that comes up but I don't get the impression he has the closest relationship with her. Not that it would really matter anyway. He doesn't need to have four parents and I understand taking on a level of parental responsibility for my DS is not something that comes easily to others (and I don't expect it).

I suppose it's not a big deal. But I don't want it to become a big deal either. How could I reassure her I'm actually not horrible and in no way a threat?

I don't think Yabu to want to be able to have that kind of relationship with your exes wife.
But equally, I don't think she is being unreasonable because she doesn't want the same thing.
I don't think it's necessarily a case of jealousy, insecurity etc either. People are allowed to set their own boundaries.

I don’t want to be friends with my own exes, let alone DP’s. I don’t want people in my home and snooping and tbh your perspective is that you’ve never done anything wrong and it’s all her, but most people wouldn’t be ok with their new partner going for coffee with their ex. So it’s entirely possible your exDH curtailed that in order to actually start a new relationship.

I wish things weren’t as antagonistic as they are between my DP and his ExW but she’s created that because although at first she wanted to be very friendly (clearly wasn’t over him despite having a new partner who she was living with when I met DP) calling him to chat constantly about every little thing and calling the kids only to talk to him and ignore them, I wasn’t keen on having every minute of our time together interrupted by her calling to chat. He never called her and was being polite for the sake of the kids but if he had continued to talk to her every single day (not necessary at all for co-parenting) I would have left (never said that to him but it’s true). Once he put in place boundaries because he actually wanted time with me she flipped the other way and got nasty. Clearly you didn’t but most people would say you can’t expect to have a close relationship with a married man, surely this applies even if he is your ex husband (perhaps even especially so given that people have been known to go back to their exes). She doesn’t have to be insecure, just know she doesn’t want to share her husband and let him go on coffee dates with you.

In an ideal world the adults would all be friendly - it would be much nicer for the children if relations were civil enough that you could wait in the hall if it was tipping down with rain, or have the odd coffee and catch up chat. But that's not who she is and you can't make her change. It's a shame because it would be nice if co-parenting relationships and the introduction of step parents could feel more like one big family. I guess not everyone has that in them.

No, I get it and she does have the right to say no.

I live in a small town and they live in a village nearby. I saw her once in town, it's a small place. She completely blanked me as I smiled.

I have no illusions there is any love lost. There doesn't need to be though. And I wish she wasn't concerned by my presence in any way.

God, I wish my husbands ex was as nice as you!
I have to deal with a woman that refuses to speak to or interact with me regarding anything and we wait for the tirade of verbal abuse that inevitably follows after every contact visit about how shit we are with HER children......

Ah bless you @Notasbigasithink I'm sure there have been complaints about me behind my back and misunderstandings from time to time. But I try because my DS shouldn't be treated like a pawn in all this. Also there's a weird way in which we're all linked, whether we like it or not as our kids are related to each other. So whether or not she likes the situation, we are always going to be in each others' lives in a way which neither of us ever chose.

This is just not for you to control, you can't do anything. I'd keep it at the level she likes and get on briskly without bothering her or trying to be nice. Don't worry about a wedding years ahead which may never happen. It's a shame she's like this but there's nothing you can do and don't ask her for a coffee!

YANBU. My ex comes in for a cup of tea / occasional glass of wine at drop off and we spend time together at birthdays and Christmas. Makes it nicer and easier for kids that we get along and my partner 100% gets it.

It doesn’t seem like he’s being treated as a pawn tbf, or being used at all. What you want is what you think in the best interests of your son, but it isn’t what she wants, or considers to be in the best interests of her own household. Your son is your priority that comes above all other considerations, but he isn’t hers.

By the sounds of it she doesn’t act as a parent to him, and she’s uninterested in involving herself with your coparenting relationship with his father. She doesn’t want a quasi-coparenting relationship with you, or to be friends.

She isn’t going to accept you into her life any more than she has already, and your children being half siblings doesn’t require her to do any differently. Whether you like it or not, that is something you’ll need to accept.

There’s so many variables here, it’s not linear.

I have very little to do with my DHs ex wife, though they’re both very capable parents & their daughter is testament to this.

EW was difficult in the early days, she often spoke down to DH, criticised his parenting decisions & approach, made making plans difficult changing things last minute that’d been agreed well in advance - we met after they’d divorced for clarity.

So, while harmonious coparenting is on her agenda now, it wasn’t always.

We’ve all grown up & built new lives, but unfortunately the ugly side of her showed when DSD was small, and those true colours still linger.

I will always support her because I believe she is a good mum, and help DSD to make sure her mum has gifts for birthdays, Mother’s Day, Christmas. I’ll say hello if I see her.

But because we don’t mix together as a whole, doesn’t mean I don’t speak highly of her, but, equally, I’m happy in my own lane, and DH is happy with this, too.

Op have you ever asked your ex why she isn’t friendly towards you?

A wedding might be far off, but I get what the OP means - there will be events during her son's life where it would be nice if both his parents and step parents could be present and friendly towards each other. Big birthday celebrations, leavers assemblies or concerts at school, graduation etc. Sure, you can do all those things with no interaction but it would be much nicer if the atmosphere is warm and friendly.

I suppose there's a far more current group day which might happen. I'd like to be there when my DS gets his GCSE results. (As much as he wants me to be there anyway.) But I have no qualms in his step mother being there if she wants to be. Obviously no issue at all with my ex.

Luck only, it's a day I will "have" him at my house. So I will know as soon as he does. I will definitely extend an invite to my ex and also ask if his wife wants to be there too. I'd be horrified if I wasn't included had the situation been reversed and while she's unlikely to want to be there, my partner might work from home that day because he's going to be really interested to know too.

May I ask why you and your ex split up?

Im thinking this may feed in to her behaviour towards you now…
If he was unfaithful - she’s worried
He’s an arse - her self esteem is low
He’s selfish - she’s insecure about his feelings towards her.

You get my drift.

I think it's a little unreasonable to expect her to go to an effort to be friendly or inclusive towards you. Perhaps she's just more introverted or stand-offish as a person, so since she's got no reason to interact with you, she doesn't. With what you said about her not being particularly close to DS, she might just be quite emotionally reserved and private.

It would be nice for you if she was extroverted, friendly, and invited you in, but not everyone is like that, and they shouldn't have to be. I wouldn't worry about it, really - it doesn't seem to be causing any issues, so best to leave it as is.

I would have loved a "BM" like you. I did try- she was even a guest at our wedding but she even tried to sabotage that. :(

It was instigated by me. I wasn't unfaithful but I knew I no longer loved nor attracted to my ex and if we stayed together I knew someone would come along eventually.

We tried counselling first but while it wasn't successful in saving our marriage, it helped get all of the issues out in the open.

While I could have asked for maintenance as I initially had more custody and lower pay, I didn't. I didn't want that to be a source of conflict between us for what would have been a relatively small amount. So we did the whole divorce ourselves only involving solicitors for the financial settlement (of 0) so that there would be no future claim on each other.

So if anything she has very little to fear from me, I chose to leave the relationship and have always known it was the right thing to do. I don't regret our marriage because without it, our DS would not exist. He was more keen on kids than I was but if anything I've adored being a Mum.

It would be nice but it’s rare.

I must be the odd one put as I’m off to ex”s wedding in a couple of weeks😂

If I ever remarry (my OH and I have been together over a decade) then honestly we'll probably just have a registry office do with my son as one of the witnesses. But if we do anything celebration wise, I'd happily invite my ex and his wife.

The break up was instigated by you, so it is possible that if you hadn't left him, your ex would still be quite happily married to you. If she is prone to intrusive thoughts, she may be wondering whether in his mind, he's had to settle for 2nd best with her. There's nothing much you can do about that; your shared history with her husband is not something you or he can change, and probably wouldn't want to anyway. It's possibly something your ex should have picked up on and addressed by reassuring her though.

She doesn’t want a relationship with you and she doesn’t have to.
As long as you and your ex are amicable that’s all you can influence.
She has boundaries so respect them even if you don’t like them.
Would you want to have a friendly relationship with her if you didn’t have a child with your ex?

You sound lovely OP.

She sounds quite insecure and a bit of a dick, tbh. Just on this tiny snapshot 😂

I agree there’s nothing you can do though, and you can only leave it.

She won't change because she's very insecure and sees you as a threat .

I got on with my Xs wife until she started giving me parenting advice (she didnt have kids ) and cut my sons hair without asking .
I despise her now .

I think I'd still be friends with my ex and so would see no reason not to be friends with her. I'm still in touch with loads of exes before my ex husband and their partners where they have them. And they weren't all splits I instigated. Some broke my heart at the time. But that's the thing it was a long time ago. And we are stuck related through our kids for life now.

I suppose I just think at nearly 50 isn't life too short?

But I accept it's not up to me.

Funny @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing but I can have my moments, don't we all?