AIBU to want a more relaxed co-parenting relationship with my ex's wife?

[Lemonthyme]

I share custody of my DS with my ex. Years ago, my ex husband remarried and they had a kid together.

I'm really happy for him and his wife and while it felt weird for a little while that my DS has a half sister I had no say in, it's also been great for him to be a big brother.

There's just one thing. When my ex got remarried, I'd always hoped that we could be adult enough that we could all get on. I get on with my ex, that's 100% fine but his wife has always treated me with suspicion. If I'm dropping off my son or something he's forgotten etc, I'm never allowed beyond the door, even if it's chucking it down with rain and normally I know my ex tries to manage it so I don't turn up when only his wife is in (so it's rarely her who answers the door).

I'm not forcing anything and never would but at some point in the future, our son might marry and I don't want it to be weird when that day comes. Also when we first split up, we'd occasionally meet for a brew or I'd stop for a cup of tea when dropping him off so we could update each other on what he's doing, any issues etc and genuinely coparent.

In contrast, my ex has met my partner loads of times. Even being at the same birthday party once which was fine. They got on fine and I know it would be no issue at all in the future. My partner isn't around much when my ex comes over but is completely unbothered when he does. Doesn't mind if he walks in etc and wouldn't mind if he stopped for a few mins.

Am I expecting too much? I don't see my ex's wife as the evil Step Mother. (What a horrible trope that is.) But even when I picked up our DS from their wedding (at my ex's request because he wanted me to look after him for some additional days for their honeymoon) I was told by my ex that I wasn't allowed to come to the venue but to wait down the road for his sister to bring him to me. (I get why she wouldn't want to see me on her big day but I could have waited outside the venue and wouldn't have been any bother.)

I'm very careful how I speak about my ex and his wife to my son. I always back them up. There's not anything bad or concerning that comes up but I don't get the impression he has the closest relationship with her. Not that it would really matter anyway. He doesn't need to have four parents and I understand taking on a level of parental responsibility for my DS is not something that comes easily to others (and I don't expect it).

I suppose it's not a big deal. But I don't want it to become a big deal either. How could I reassure her I'm actually not horrible and in no way a threat?

It seems ok as it is. You cant call the shots for her.

You sound very nice and mature. The 2nd wife is clearly insecure or is not mature enough to realise a civil relationship is nicer for everyone and an extremely good thing for your son to witness.

I don’t think you can force this issue though, you’ll just have to keep doing what you’re doing.

YANBU

I will never understand why ex’s aren’t friends and can’t get on for the child’s sake.

Obviously if there was abuse etc then fair enough but most people were in love once upon a time and it’s silly to despise each other/get jealous of new/ex partners.
Obviously it might take a few months/years to get to that stage but I think everyone should try and be friendly.

My brother and his ex had an extremely toxic relationship and they ended up hating each other. They still aren’t the best of friends.
But I’m always so impressed with how much they put that aside for their DC.
They do so much together like parent evenings, birthdays etc and they just somehow manage to get on.
My brother gets on really well with her DP and her DP has no issues coming home and my brother being there etc in fact when my brother and his ex start disagreeing, the DP is often the mediator and sticks up for my brother knowing how difficult she can be.

Its such a shame that this woman is being so difficult.
If you get a moment, I would gently bring it up to the ex and just say how’s its a shame, rather than slagging her off.

She is obviously very insecure and jealous.

Yeah I don't want to bring it up with my ex. It's not a big enough deal for that and also I don't want to cause problems.

I think as well for me it's about role modelling for my son. I think it's good for him to see we can all be adult.

But I won't force it with my ex's wife. I never would. Just a little bit sad in a way but it's not a biggie. While the days will come when we'll all need to be together, we'll muddle through.

Funnily enough, my OH's ex wife has kids (not his) and I even got invited with my OH when one got married. He was married to their mum in their formative years. At one point she even gave me a hug. I thought that was so welcoming and kind. At another point I realised that my OH, her first husband and her husband now were all having a good chat together about footie or something. That makes far more sense to me nowadays than animosity.

It sounds like the relationship they do have is civil. It’s just not friendly.

I would imagine that if this were a case of insecurity, she’d be more inclined to be a part of the coparenting relationship between OP and her ex. Instead, it’s apparent that she doesn’t see herself as part of it, and has no desire to be.