In Laws never visit grandchildren

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My in-laws never visit us and make little effort to see our children. Last visited last May. It was recently ds birthday and no effort made to come and see him, just a txt msg!
I lost my Dad last year and feel so angry that he doesn't get to see they grow up, but they have the chance but don't bother. Also they've done nothing to support my dh while I've been struggling.
They do live 2hours away, but they do drive and capable.

Have you invited them? Maybe they don't want to impose. 2 hours there and back is a lot of driving in one day for a presumably at least elderly ish couple, would you be ok with them staying over?

How often do you go and see them? My DF doting on my DC but would rarely drive over to come and see them unless I invited them over?

How often do you invite them over? If, for example you invited them over for lunch next Saturday, would they come?

2hrs is a far distance to be popping round. Certainly not fun for a day.

Get DH to invite them to stay a few days.

Or you can go to them....

Are they retired?

I can see that would be upsetting. They will not have much of a relationship with your children as they grow up but that’s their choice.
you cannot control other people’s behaviour, only how you react to their behaviour. My in-laws are not really involved with my dcs and I notice now when we meet up that my dc’s behaviour towards them is ‘fake’ - it’s how they respond to meeting anyone they don’t really know: polite but superficial.

My mum lives 45 mins away from us. She hasn't visited my house in 18 years.
I've invited her.
Shes been 2 roads away at my sister's house for Christmas and still didn't visit.

Some grandparents just aren't interested. Its very painful but sadly how it is.
Do your dc see your Mum?

Last weekend I drove a 4 hour round trip to drop my grandchildren off after having them for a sleepover over. I literally would do anything for them.

How often do you visit them?

How often do you invite them over? Maybe they’re waiting for an invite, rather than intruding.

What support do you need? Have you asked for support? Do they know of your struggles?

Do they like driving? For some people, two hours is quite a long drive, and a lot to do a return trip in one day.

Do they work?

How often did your dh see his grandparents growing? Maybe they’re just that sort of family who just get on with their lives.

2 hours is a long drive to do both ways in a day when you are older. I’m mid sixties, fit and well and work full time, and am already finding it far harder than I used to. That said I still do it regularly to see my DGC. But I can see that it’ll get harder as I get older.

"Shes been 2 roads away at my sister's house for Christmas and still didn't visit."

How come you didn't pop round?

What type of parents were they? My mum lived walking distance from me for 18 years and not only lives 8 miles away. Unless she is formally invited she shows zero interest. She was also disinterested as a parent. I’ve given up inviting her - and I’m now matching her energy. She’s never going to be the parent I wanted let alone the grandparent. It’s not easy to reach this conclusion but it sounds like you might have to.

Yes they are retired and we have a spare room and dh has invited them to stay many times.
They have no problem with driving

Ours live 30 mins away and don’t come over. Same with the recent birthday and text. It doesn’t bother me (it used to) as I just think it’s their loss at the end of the day. If they don’t want to be close to their grandkids that’s on them and there’s nothing you can do to change that. I can imagine it is extra tough with the loss of your dad but ultimately it’s not something in your control (beyond inviting them over etc) so you need to try and just let it go.

Not only was my M disinterested, she acted as though she actively hated being a Mum. Like you, I’ve learned long ago that she will never be the Mum I needed and the DC barely ever speak to her now they’re adults.

This can be simultaneously two things. Fine for you to be upset by it, but it is also entirely up to them.
Do you go to theirs?

They’ve been reading Mumsnet and are scared of “overstepping” Talk to them.

Also, how is your dh with his parents? Has he put effort in to a relationship with them over the years?

How often do you visit them?

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad, OP.

I get it. For the first year after losing my lovely mum, who was such and active, involved grandparent, my in-laws moaning and general un-involved-ness really made me angry.

That we all lost the fab, loving, engaged grandma and yet two miserable grumps who can find a reason to complain no matter how tiny were still here, making the world a more depressing place felt so completely unfair.

As I got more to terms with bereavement I didn't compare what we'd lost to what we still had so much.

In-laws has always sucked the happiness out of everything; it's why our visits (also 2 hour drives) were very short. They'd find fault in a perfect sunny day.

They haven't changed and it was unfair of me to resent them being themselves.

But it was part of grieving, and perfectly normal. A kind of "Why are they having years of life to just moan when Mum could have had those years and really LIVED them?" cry to the universe.

Must compassion to you, OP. Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

Yanbu ...I feel the same...my own parents would have been lovely grandparents but are dead...my mil couldn't give a shit about her grandchildren. It's an injustice isn't it?

But remember this as they get older and start to need help...you reap what you sow.

Leave it to your husband entirely to arrange contact with them. They seem pretty clear about not being interested.

Many people don't like sleeping in someone else's house, or doing a 4 hour drive, and many people just don't like kids, including people who have one.

That's sad.

But remember this as they get older and start to need help...you reap what you sow

Nice.

The old ‘reap what you sow’ line!

As a new grandparent, I was very conscious of not wishing to interfere, but loving seeing the grandchildren, sonI waited to be invited, or for my son to suggest coming to ours. Happy to babysit on weekend evenings too. Less so during the week because of working full time.

I think many grandparents are very wary of overstepping, so wait to be invited. Not all obviously. Some are really not interested and some are too far away. There are many reasons for not visiting and they’re not all because grandparents don’t want to see them. There are many reasons for not being invited too.

When you read, as you often do on MN, the rules in place for visiting babies and children, it’s unsurprising that people are wary and don’t want to cause a rift. Most grandparents understand that families are busy with jobs, activities etc.

With the ‘reap what you sow’ line - this is always used to refer to grandparents not helping out with childcare, and thus their own child will not help them out if they need care. And yet, no one uses it to go back a step. Maybe the adult son who takes absolutely no notice of his parents from when he leaves home to when he has children is also reaping what he has sown?

What happens if he says to them 'would you like to come on Saturday for ds birthday and stay the night. We can have Sunday lunch before you head back?'
Do you get invited to their house?