In Laws never visit grandchildren

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My in-laws never visit us and make little effort to see our children. Last visited last May. It was recently ds birthday and no effort made to come and see him, just a txt msg!
I lost my Dad last year and feel so angry that he doesn't get to see they grow up, but they have the chance but don't bother. Also they've done nothing to support my dh while I've been struggling.
They do live 2hours away, but they do drive and capable.

I'm not talking about childcare. I'm talking about just showing interest in grandchildren and wanting to spend time with them. My mil has never cooked her grandchildren a meal, never taken them out for the day, couldn't name their school, couldn't name a friend of theirs. You're not family oriented then fine...but don't expect them to give a shit about you when you're older and in need.

My question exactly

On the thread about the new parents refusing to let anyone hold the baby for 12 weeks there's a lot of "reap what they sow" - hold people away long enough and they just won't care anymore.

2 hours each way is a fair old distance! I do that commute 4 times a week and am exhausted by it! I would rarely do it there and back in one day and I’m only 46! During the school hols when I don’t see my parents during the week as I’m not at work we meet up at a green centre half way ish for breakfast or lunch or a national trust place could meeting half way for a day out be a option?

Also do you never visit them? If 2 hours isn’t such a long journey why are you not making it to see them?

I think it's extra hard for you at the moment because you and your children have lost a loving, involved parent and grandparent and have been left with two grandparents who are...well...not.

We had a situation like this in our extended family a few years ago. Not quite the same situation (not my parents/ILs), but let's just say that the kind, loving relative who was the mainstay of the family unexpectedly died and the one left behind quite frankly wouldn't have been missed by many people. I do often mull on the unfairness of it - the bereavement created a complete hole in many people's lives, whereas had it been the other relative, everyone would have moved on fairly quickly, sad to say.

In your shoes, I don't think you need to make excuses for your ILs - "they've done their parenting", "they don't owe us anything" etc. Instead it's ok to acknowledge that, from your perspective, they're not that important to you or your family (largely through their own choice) and you wish your dad was still here instead of them. Their emotional commitment and value to your family is just a lot lower.

2 hours is not really a visit- it’s a holiday/ a thing to do. When we lived further away my parents came to visit and my dad was exhausted. They were only staying two nights so it wasn’t the best trip. Much easier to go see them. Op I’m sure it’s not a personal thing, they’re just going about their life the same way you’re going about yours. Do they phone, text, WhatsApp? Do they ask about them?

Some grandparents are just like that OP. Sad, but it’s their loss.

I dont have DGC yet .However I would hope that if I am lucky enough, then would wish to see them as much as possible.However 2 hours is a reasonable drive each way .If they dont want to stay over not much you can do really .Maybe they like their own home ,dont feel up to a big drive ,whatever .Maybe you can visit them maybe ?

I have a MIL an hour away who NEVER visits us or asks after her grandchildren. My parents are a plane journey away and see them multiple times a year. You just have to make your peace with it. Although I understand how sad and frustrating it is that you lost your Dad and he will now never have that chance.

I can count on one hand how many times my ex mil visited us during my dc’s childhood, she then had the cheek to email me to say i needed to tell them to visit her! A. She should have asked her son not me and B. She knows one doesn’t drive for medical reasons. I would have made her welcome to visit me, that wasn’t an issue and it’s only 50 minutes drive at the time. I’ve since moved away and one dc hasn’t seen her since

Seriously? I’m in my mid seventies and wouldn’t think twice about a four hour round trip in a day, especially to see the DGC.

Was the inlaws allowed to come near the the kids when they was born.
Some parents ban all visits, hugs everything for months, some its 6months a time and the parents wonder why they dont bond later on.

Why won’t they come? Why do you think they’re not more interested in your D.C.?

When I think of 'you reap what you sow' I don't think if it in terms of how much we'll help them depending on what they've done for us but more so how interested the GC will be in them.

My DM is simply amazing. She lives alone and still works but has always been the most doting GP (in a very non-annoying way!) ..she's genuinely really interested in all her GC, not just the cute baby stage and my own DC will ring her to tell her their news because she's always shown an interest in them and never missed seeing them on birthdays etc..

The in-laws OTOH, were interested in the baby stage but not anymore. Doesn't help that FIL is married to a woman that is not DHs mum. She is not remotely interested in her husband's GC and that's fair enough. What's not fair is not allowing him to see his own GC. What grates the most is that now there are finally 'shared' GC born, they travel further to visit them than they ever did to visit us. They visit this GC weekly, a 4 hour round trip and come to see us maybe annually (we're 45 mins away).

Ipso facto my DC are not remotely interested in them. If they died tomorrow I doubt they'd shed a tear which is sad but you can't blame them.

ask them to come. some people need an invitation..

fil needs to grow a pair and make sure he still sees his own grandchildren even if she interested.

Do u drive over and visit them? If so how often??

... okay?

I'm in my mid 40s and consider a 4hr round-trip a mission...

When do you go and visit them?

What is your AIBU?

I’ve been married 38 years so my children are all grown up now. However in all that time in-laws have only visited us two hours away three times, and one of those was our wedding.

We visited them about 4 times a year, it’s just how some people are, they expect the ‘children’ to visit the parents.

Have you invited them ? Maybe they think they're intruding or inconveniencing you.
Do you make the effort to visit them?

doesnt matter how often you invite them or how often you go to visit them, contrary to what most ppl say on here. im of the opinion that they are simply not interested, no matter how many times you insist for a visit. some people are just like that. my dad was the same, i had to beg him to come meet his first grandchild. never made an effort after. just yesterday was on a call with my mom, he was in the background and the only thing he said to my toddler is that her hair is ugly. so, sometimes its good to have some distance, too

My sister wasn't talking to me so we weren't invited or welcome at her house.