In Laws never visit grandchildren

[RedPanda898]

My in-laws never visit us and make little effort to see our children. Last visited last May. It was recently ds birthday and no effort made to come and see him, just a txt msg!
I lost my Dad last year and feel so angry that he doesn't get to see they grow up, but they have the chance but don't bother. Also they've done nothing to support my dh while I've been struggling.
They do live 2hours away, but they do drive and capable.

Someone hit the nail on the head here asking what kind of parents were they? I say this because I’m in the same situation. In laws never have visited DD twice since she was born for a cup of tea. We make the effort to go to them once or twice a month. Whereas my dad comes to see DD twice a week, plays with her, takes her out etc. I was upset and my partner spoke to me about how they just aren’t that sort of grandparent. They weren’t those sort of parents either whereas my dad was always kicking a football about with us, taking us out on weekends etc

Some people just aren’t like that and once my partner explained it and I accepted it, I just think their loss

My in laws are the same, only they live ten minutes away. They come for Christmas lunch and then disappear as soon as they can. We used to visit them a lot when the children were little, but never felt particularly welcome. They’ve never cooked me meal. Whenever we invited them to us they’d find a reason to decline or stay ten minutes and then go. I don’t bother now, I leave DH to ring them on birthdays but other than that don’t see or speak
to them for months at a time. No obvious reason why, we always welcomed them, the children aren’t particularly hard work, house is clean and tidy etc. I think they’re just not bothered.

Conversely, my parents are in their late 70s, live an hour and half away and visit at least once a month. We don’t go to them so often as my children are teens now and are out and about at activities most weekends and don’t want to miss those to sit in the Grandparents’ house! My parents have a really close relationship with my children, the in laws barely know them.

It’s sad OP and the truth is they just don’t care enough. My in-laws in their 70s make a 2.5h journey at least once a month to see us / granddaughter and we visit them too and know we’re very welcome. If it’s important, 2hs is hardly unmanageable.

Does DH have a sister?

Sorry for your loss. Echoing all the other comments. It's all too common and you won't change them. Focus on people who actually care and let them be.

You read so many crazy things on here, people complaining about in laws visiting, complaining because someone touched the baby and it goes on. Safer to keep away unless invited.

Well, I can say, as a great grandmother, that I had HUGE interest in my granddaughter ( who has now two daughters). She lived with us until she was 4, then again when she went to senior school, then again for 4 years when she finished university. She now lives over 3 and a half hours away and we have driven there and back in a day several times but now we are older it is not easy and so we don’t. Each summer we ask all the family to meet up half way for a Sunday lunch or an afternoon at a zoo for example, but it always feels like a huge unwanted effort on their part so this year I don’t know if I can do be bothered. During Covid, I bought a Portal and tried to keep in touch with everyone that way but I was told that great granddaughter didn’t want to sit and say hello for a few seconds or hear a story so that ended. The adults showed no interest in seeing or speaking to us. I isolate in the winter due to a medical condition so I only have a few months a year when I can see them but they do not invite us up or offer to come to us. It would be tricky to sleep them all now but there is a motel a few streets away so they could stay there. Yes they can afford it. So, we have sadly lost interest. They have busy lives and have always things on that come first and now so have we. That’s just the way it’s turned out. It’s not for the want of trying. It is not always the grandparent’s doing.

Yes, seriously! I have a debilitating chronic pain condition and couldn’t possibly drive 4 hours in a day, even though I love driving. All my grandchildren happen to be 4 hours away and I have to rely on a friend to drive me or do a ‘meet you half-way’ situation. You can’t assume everyone can do what you can do.

We’re in a similar position OP. My PIL don’t bother with us at all. Make plans to see us, then cancel last minute for no particular reason (both visiting us & vice versa). It used to be very hard on our children when they were younger & excited about seeing them. I got to a point where we didn’t mention any plans-then they weren’t disappointed. Now have very little contact with them, the odd birthday card, when they remember & that’s about it. It’s very sad, but ultimately their choice.

These aren’t new grandparents and you will have read that their son has invited them many times to stay in the spare room. This post is all supposition because you’re a grandparent.

I am struggling to understand what exactly your husband needs help with?

@HoppityBun Not supposition at all, experience of being a grandparent, having read on here many posts about and from grandparents. There are two posts from OP and not a great deal of extra information. We have different experiences perhaps.