As the mother of one adult child with ASD, and one allistic adult child, both of whom are making their way in the world, working and studying for their Masters, I have a slightly different viewpoint.
Totally agree about expectations and inculcating a can-do attitude. We prioritised education for both dc too but had the means to call in private tutors for a couple of years when my autistic child could not cope in mainstream school, And I could afford to give up my work and support them during that period too. And to support their travel. And support their gradual return to ft education which took place in increments. Not everyone has those choices available to them.
I believe that some ASD children should be pushed more and there are some for whom that would be a disaster. I think the majority of parents do their best to encourage children to stay in ft education until it becomes appallingly difficult. And most parents know their dc best too. Especially when they mask at school to a high degree.
I’m in my sixties and when I look back at my own classmates from years ago, the correlation between educational performance and academic success is not quite as clear cut as you might think. Yes the majority of us who studied at university have achieved what I would call a basic to average middle class lifestyle. But I can think of two of my classmates who failed exams, one of whom had dyslexia, who have gone on to out perform all of the rest of us in terms of earning power and soaring careers. They are both highly successful business entrepreneurs.
So to say that the cleverest of the young people in your family has wasted their life and therefore this will apply to most adult dc who drop out of ft education is untrue, and dare I say, rather offensive. First, it depends what your assessment encompasses when you classify a life as “wasted”, and second, from that person’s pov, if their life is a struggle, they and their family may see them as living as successfully as they can within their particular limitations and may be proud of them for doing so. You can have a fabulous academic brain and be completely unable to function in the real world.
And sorry, but the entire condition of autism, auto > the self, can be hidden internally, especially in girls, so you may be judging them on the grounds of the public face they present to the world rather than their inner struggles, the extent of which may only be fully apparent to their parents.
Also, unless your mh is good, you can’t really learn properly or excel in anything. I have seen children with severe anxiety or with autism or other SEN being forced to stay in school and enduring years of stress, and although they completed their school education and passed exams, it all fell apart at university or later on when the wheels came off.
Autism was explained to me, and I am
sorry if I offend anyone by writing this, as essentially a different wiring of the brain that can cause developmental delays in some areas. Therefore some teenagers or young adults can really benefit from a year or two outside of mainstream education so that certain parts of their development has time to catch up and mature with the rest. And some can go on to excel or at least function after that pause and others do not, But I suspect the reasons that lay behind their being able to cope or not, are more innate than anything relating to what their parents did or didn’t do.
Most parents in the UK are desperately trying to find ways to get their anxious or neurodiverse child’s education supported in mainstream education and many are met with a blank wall despite making enormous efforts on their behalf.