To be paranoid about DH staying out drinking?

[Ishouldknowbetter]

OK,this is going to sound really strange so bear with me.

DH was married before when younger for 6 years and they got married on midsummers day June 21st.

We have been married 10 years and together for 17 years.

In the past I had real problems with jealousy and being the second wife always feeling second best.

I had noticed early on that around the time of what would have beenhis anniversary he would go out and get really drunk.

As the years have passed have tried not to make it an obsessional thing with me but around that date it was always on my mind.

He has been really good just latly coming home from work instead of drinking after work with work collegues and today we had a meeting at the school to discuss DS's progress as he has SN and was feeling a bit down today afterwards as I always do after such meetings.

Anyway I rang him at 6.40pm to see if he was on the way home and he said he would be 10 mins.

Still no sign of him and he is not answering his phone now.

Now call me completly paranoid and barking but am well aware that tomorrow would have been his wedding anniversary and like years before he has stayed out drinking.

I said to myself that if he was out late tonight drinking then it confirms my suspicions as he has been coming home recently so why tonight?

Am I being totally paranoid or is this just a conicidence?

It just seems to re inforce it to me.

Text him and ask him to let you know where he is.

He is obviously aware that you know the significance of the date, so to suddenly become incommunicado seems rather attention-seeking.

How long ago was the last time he did this anniversary binge?

BetteNoire-he probably does'nt realise I am aware of the date as have never made a big thing of it.
It's just something I have botled up and he would think me mad to even bring it up.

I don't have a mobile phone at the moment so I can't text him.

meemar-last year and this may sound obsessional but most of the years that I can remember since I have been with him.

It's hard to call. On the one hand it sounds so unlikely that you must be paranoid and it couldn't possibly be the case.

However, If he only does this on this one night of the year, every year for the past 10 years it's hard to say it's coincidence.

What were the circumstances of their break up?

Is it possible that the date is significant for any other reason?

He does stay out drinking quite frequently but just lately he was making a real effort to not drink so much.

So this is'nt a once a year thing.

It's just he has been coming home and why tonight?

The break up came after she had had an affair and he took her back but things were never the same after that so he moved out and thet got divorced.

They met at uni and were together for 10 years altogether and went through some tough times together and from what I can gather he was really cut up when she the affair.
Knowing him like I do being faithful is a big deal so never understood why he took her back.

Not aware of the date being significant for anything else.

Maybe being faithful is a bigger deal to him now, since she strayed.

Do you feel insecure? Are you normally a bit wobbly about things, or do you think you sincerely feel he's not wild about you?

That's horrifically blunt but it's what this boils to, isn't it?

Eek, though.

Really could be nothing. If you look back now through the years, you'll only remember the ones when he got shitfaced around this time of year, so don't make any decisions based on that. You won't be objective at the moment.

Are they still in touch? Does he ever mention her out loud? Has he kept lots of photos of her?

BEAUTIFUL-I am a bit insercure and have always had a romantic notion that his 1st marriage would have been better as he was younger and at uni so fun all the way.

Where as know he has 2 children and responsibilities.

He is not in touch with her since there divorce and did not keep any letters or photos he threw them away.

He never mentions her and gets angry if I do.

Do you mention her a lot?

You know what I'd do? Get an all-absorbing interest. Who cares if boring old DH is off drowning his divorce-depression every 12 months? His loss. He could be spending that time with fabulous you having fun, but instead, boo hoo, tears into his pint: "Where did I go wrong?"

Sod that. You don't have time to Police his secret thoughts. Yes, he might be moping about it, but no, you shouldn't be fretting about it. You are far too fabulous to waste time looking for things to be unhappy about. Live! Have fun! Get a new obsession, one that absorbs you. Let him start wondering what you're thinking about from now on.

SUrely he must know that you know that its the anniversary tomorrow.

Personally I would be bloody offended if my other half was hankering over an ex, its a bit of an insult isn't it.

Could you have it out with him? I know you said he gets angry but still you need to say something matter of factly that it just isn't on.

He's with you now not her and its disrepectful to you.

I'd then go and do what beautiful says and get out there and make him sit and think for a change.

Beautiful and sheepgomeep-I used to mention her a lot in the early days but have'nt done for years now.

I should like you say get my own interest and ignore it.

Well he came in at 9.15pm drunk and the worse thing was he drove home,am so angry with him,what an idiot.
Will definetly have it out with him tomorrow when he has sobered up.

He went to the kitchen and put on some loud music and I turned it off as I did'nt want him waking the children and he stormed off slamming doors.

He then came downstairs again and just started on me.

Saying how I think I am such a perfect mother and he told me to fu*k off and called me a bitch.

He then went on to say see this finger stick it up your arse .

Hr then banged the kitchen cupboard door and stormed off upstairs.

I told him I had heard all his drunken talk before and where as I may have got upset previously and cried I felt nothing except anger.

This is what has happened previous years but not just around this date so who knows why.

All i know is I am not putting up with this anymore and will be talking with him tomorrow .
No doubt he will say it will never happen again but he drove home a coupe of weeks ago after drinking and said he would'nt do it again.

God I hate this.

DO NOT TALK TO HIM TOMORROW ABOUT THIS! That's the pattern he's started. He goes out on his anniversary, without fail, knoing it winds you up. Then uses your insecurity (that he just caused) to boost his own confidence again. He uses you to cheer himself up every year, since ExGate.

Don't you dare. You bloody dare stroke his ego, instigating a deep, him-focussed chat tomorrow. Roll your eyes then ignore this completely. Don't mention it. Really. No chats under the guise of, "he needs to be a better Dad, I'll give him a talking-to for the kids' sake" even. IGNORE IT.

Take the kids out tomorrow, let him wake up with a hangover & an empty house, then be a happy, slightly disinterested wife. That will really surprise him. "Why isn't she all cut up that I spent last night moping about my ex-wife" he will wonder. He will think you have got a huge dose of self-esteem from somewhere.

You will get the Upper Hand.

Chats and talking-tos are very weakk, when you really think about it. "You hurt me so I'm going to be visibly upset for hours till I let you cheer me up".

Bleugh.

Stay, or leave if you've had enough. Don't blather on about whether he might fancy someone else better than you, fgs. That is just a massive, "Do you love me cos I'm insane about you?

"All i know is I am not putting up with this anymore and will be talking with him tomorrow "

Oooh, tremble. She's going to be talking to me tomorrow. A chat! The Ultimate Punishment!

See what I mean? It's completely pointless. You get to look needy, he gets to be centre of attention. DON'T DO IT.

I now I should say nothing as previuosly he will do the "feeling sorry for myself" routine and say I know I need to stop drinking so much.

Then it will be "I want to do it for you and the kids"

He will probably have a few tears but have learnt that's probably coming from the hangover and feeling down and like shit.

I bet he doesn't see the first marriage as the fun one, and yours as boring and full of responsibility. This is the marriage he is in, the one with a faithful loving partner and beautiful children. He is probably not even the same person he was then. You two share so much more than he ever did with the first wife, so I would let him have an evening drinking and try not to worry. He may even be celebrating in his own way, being out of a crappy marriage with an unfaithful wife.

I thought he only drank annually? Is he a big boozer?

Honestly, you are far, far too good to be wasting a Friday night worrying if a moody drinker likes his ex (who cheated on him cos he was so dull) more than you.

What do you like doing? When Sir DrinksaLot isn't around? Do you have unfulfilled ambitions?

You have a far stronger marriage than he did with his 1st wife. No question. There's was a Starter Marriage. If you can break this Mummy/Bad Boy pattern, you'll like it much more.

Reading that back it does sound a bit lame like I am talking about a child.

In effect he is a child,he feels like my 3rd child and you are right I am needy and he knows it.

I have had problems in the past with anxiety and agrophobia but have moved on quite a lot since those days.

I feel more hurt that today we had a meeting re my DS's SN at school and he had no respect for me to come home tonight knowing how upset I was this morning.

He is a big boozer and does'nt knw when to stop.

Fine in the early days but with having 2 children now definetly not what I want them growing up with.

I know he adores the children and yes being in a faithful marroage means a lot to him.

I actually wanted to be a social worker but that never happened.
Worked as a nurse for a few years before meeting DH and did some councilling for awhile.

Stonehenge sounds goos ,that would really pee him off.

Not sure if it is too late to break the mummy/ bad boy patter.

Heis in his 40's now,this is it I think.

I hope you get angry with him. I'd bet you don't, though. I bet you go a bit silently-suffering. The puppy-dog eyes, the trembly lip, the depressed shoulders, etc.

Better to get angry with them. Firm, no bullshit, "I don't like that, stop doing it". They love that, it's exhilarating.

You know how kids are ore affectionate towards you when you don't let tham get away with anything? Be like that with him.

Will definetly be angry ,in fact sometimes like tonight when he was swearing at me I could hit him.

I know not the thing to do but he gets me so angry at how stupid he behaves and I want to drum it into him.

You can definitely break this pattern, definitely. It doesn't matter how old he is, this isn't a character trait, it's just a dynamic between you two.

You just need to get some perspective on him, and not be so scared that he'll leave. He's not going to leave. He needs you. Properly.