To be paranoid about DH staying out drinking?

[Ishouldknowbetter]

OK,this is going to sound really strange so bear with me.

DH was married before when younger for 6 years and they got married on midsummers day June 21st.

We have been married 10 years and together for 17 years.

In the past I had real problems with jealousy and being the second wife always feeling second best.

I had noticed early on that around the time of what would have beenhis anniversary he would go out and get really drunk.

As the years have passed have tried not to make it an obsessional thing with me but around that date it was always on my mind.

He has been really good just latly coming home from work instead of drinking after work with work collegues and today we had a meeting at the school to discuss DS's progress as he has SN and was feeling a bit down today afterwards as I always do after such meetings.

Anyway I rang him at 6.40pm to see if he was on the way home and he said he would be 10 mins.

Still no sign of him and he is not answering his phone now.

Now call me completly paranoid and barking but am well aware that tomorrow would have been his wedding anniversary and like years before he has stayed out drinking.

I said to myself that if he was out late tonight drinking then it confirms my suspicions as he has been coming home recently so why tonight?

Am I being totally paranoid or is this just a conicidence?

It just seems to re inforce it to me.

Hitting him is better than talking to him. Whack him with a pillow. That could actually really arouse him.

God, I'm sorry, I'm banging on all self-righteously like Clare Rayner.

I know you are right and without sounding big headed I think he is more dependant on me and could not cope without me or the children.

So why he seems to be pushing me away I don't know.

I think you might be being paranoid. he's far more likely to ge out on this day becasue it's a nice evening and people have asked him.

No problem,i asked advice and you are talking sense.
Although not sure about the pillow thing feel more like putting it over his head to stop the snoring.

Monkeytrousers-he went drinking on his own tonight,all be it to a pub where he knows people but he was'nt invited to go drinking by anyone.

This is a bit deep, but maybe he keeps pushing you away because he needs to see you come back? It reassures him?

Or yes he was just a bit thirsty tonight and in reality, like all men are, he is hopeless wih anniversaries & dates and hasn't a clue he got divorced tomorrow.

We might well have wasted a whole Friday evening worrying about nothing.

Have you read "Rebecca"?

beautiful - you have given some fab advice in this thread, very very good.

Iskb - i think losing your rag with him would work x

If my other half said i'll be home in ten, failed to appear then ignored my calls and then drove out car home pissed several hours later he'd be sleeping in the garden.

Dont let him get away with it.

Beautiful I am loving your posts.. they are so uncomfortably spot on as most of what you are saying actually rings true for me in my relationship.

ishouldnobetter your dp sounds a bit like mine and I sound a lot like you.

yes drink driving what an idiot.
exdp did this once, I told him I would shop him if he ever did it again

I suspect he does like the reassurance and like an old fool I keep giving it to him.

Are you a counciller in real life beautiful?

I have'nt ever read Rebecca but it is one of my favourite films.
Funnily enough it was on last saturday afternoon and can see what you are getting it.
Will have to get the book and read it I think.

worzselmummidge-Don't worry he won't be getting away with it,but have been down this road before and don't know how other women say this and their DH takes notice.

sheepgomeep-If I am not be too nosey how does your relationship seem like mine?

Lol at 'have you read Rebecca?'

ISKB, even if the anniversary of his , er, anniversary makes him maudlin, it isn't necessarily because he still wants xw back. My anniversary makes me sad, not because I want my xh back, but it just reminds me of a very very sad time in my life. A time I thought I'd never recover from. And memories have the ability to bring back the same emotion. Even though the event is no longer happening, the emotion comes back. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He isn't necessarily thinking 'I love her and I want her to come back'. I sit there thinking 'how did I not see what he was like? Why did I waste so much time on someone who clearly wasn't worth it'. I'm punishing myself for my own judgement, rather than mourning the loss of an ex.

BEAUTIFUL you talk a lot of sense

ishouldknow I'm terribly jealous about all of dp ex, its very difficult for me as we all live in the same town, he plays darts with his ex's family (he had 2 kids who are same age as my dd1).

My ex cousin therefore my eldest two dc are cousins of his exs brothers wife and we all see each other quite a lot

I am constantly reminded of how much fun they had together and darts play(ed) a big part in it. I've been told that they were a perfect family but she left him because she cheated on him and well he was a twat at times (still is lol)

All of his ex's are very pretty to me anyway.. I've got horrendous vitiligo all over my body inc face and its horrible .

I just feel second best to them all esp the one he had kids with the longest one he was with before me.

but unlike you I can't keep quite about how I feel which does his head in

To be honest he doesn't go on about his ex's and he always tell me that he loves me etc but because I'm the 6th one in 8 years I still feel pretty shit.

And they all are from a certain part of town where he grew up and therefore am excluded a lot when they get together. (not all the exes though although my kids cousin knows every single one of them as they all live within a few streets lol

God I sound barmy

littlewoman-Can see what you mean about it bringing back bad memories rather than good.
Had'nt thought of it that way.

Mothers day makes me feel sad cos I found out exp was cheating on me on that day..don't feel like going out and getting drunk though

a think a lot of it is my self esteem and its do with my vitiligo. I look and feel like a freakshow

sheepgomeep-I can unnderstand exactly what are you saying.

In the early days with DH I would mention his ex all the time and everytime we went somewhere I would ask if he had taken her there.

He did'nt have any children with her and respect anyone who has to deal with that situation,I totally could'nt do it.

I used to look at pictures of her before he threw them out and compare myself but realised I was just torturing myself.

Please don't feel bad about yourself ,he is with you now.

Should listen to my own advice.

how are things this morning ishouldknow.

I mention his exes all the time ans fling things about her when we argue.

His children are lovely but sometimes I'm made to feel as they are the golden kids and my kids are not up to scratch. completely and utterly barmy. He treats them all the same even our dd that we have together but sometimes he will come out and say oh my kids slept through at 6 weeks why doesn't our dd and little things like that.

you are right I'm torturing myself. I need to change.

I hope you and your DH get things sorted.

Sorry I did'nt get back to this thread have'nt been on mumsnet at all.

sheepgomeep-hope things are
OK your end.

Well after a week of him making a reasonable effort to come straight home from work he has played another blinder today.

He came home early today to come to DD's school play and as soon as we got home he said he was just nipping out to get his dry cleaning and would be half an hour.

I asked if he could leave it an dpick it up tomorrow as was quite a novelty to have him home so early.

But he nipped out the back and went anyway.

This was at 3.40

I rang him at 5.20 and he already sounded quite merry.

Hesaid he was having a few beers and would get a taxi home and to go ahead with dinner for the children.

As if we are going to wait for him

I told him he promised after last weeks performance that I did'nt want him coming home staggering drunk and not to bother coming home at all.

He just kept saying ok as I could hear people talking in the background and birds tweeting so he was obviously sitting outside in a beer garden sonmewhere.

Which got more even more angry that he completly had no respect for us and was just enjoying himself.

Still no sign and know from experience he will be so pissed and am dreading him coming home in a taxi and staggering to the front door as don't want the neighbours to se,feel so embarassed as live next to lots of mothers from the school and a lady that works at the school.

God I hate him sometimes,he just sounds so matter of fact on the phone like it is his right to stay out.

Now all I have to look forward to is a hungover DH on saturday ruining the weekend before it has started.

Call him back now and say that if he isnt home in half an hour the door will be double locked and you will see him in the morning when he is sober!

He has just arrived home in a taxi ,talking a load of rubbish.

Great timing ,just as I was getting the children to bed and know the children are in the kitchen and he is getting them all excited and of course they want to see daddy.
I went in to ask them to come to bed and DH just said "huh,you are giving them the wrong impression"

What trying to get them away from your drunken rantings.

He is just so annoying when he is like this and keeps repeating the same thing and talks in a loud voice and if I intervene he will get funny with me saying he is just talking to HIS children.

Hate to say it but he sounds pathetic and I have had enough.