To consider quitting work over constant nursery illnesses

[Worrying34]

Currently writing this from bed having been sick all night and day with the latest bug DD has brought home and feel like I’m at the end of my tether.

DD started nursery 2 days a week from 6 months old when I went back to work part time. She also does a day with MIL. I know that’s earlier than most children but my plan was for us to have that structure and me work part time indefinitely rather than go back full time at 12 months. It’s been 2 months of nursery and she has honestly caught a new virus every week, including in the settling in sessions!

it’s awful for her. It’s awful for us. It’s having such a huge impact on our physical and mental health and lives generally. She’s missing 25-40% of the nursery days that obviously we’re still paying for. She’s unwell more than 50% of the time. We’re falling behind with weaning and things like that. We’re catching more than 50% of the illnesses. I’m having to try and do more than 25% of my work hours each month in the evenings and weekends to catch up. DP looks after her then so obviously he’s not getting a proper break either.

Everything I’ve ever bought tickets for I’ve been unable to go to. We left our first family holiday early over it. I’m regretting booking another break later in the summer. I’m pushing back our wedding because it feels like the chance of one of us being ill on the day is just too high (it’s a pretty low key wedding but still!)

I don’t know whether we need to seriously rethink this. Has anyone actually drastically changed their jobs or quit nursery over this? I don’t know how we’d make it work but I’m seriously thinking about sitting down with DP and going through the costs.

Im hearing a mixture of whether this is normal or we’ve been unlucky. If it was coughs and colds that would be ok but it’s been 3 sickness bugs, temperatures, the worst cough I’ve ever experienced in my life that turned into bronchitis for her.

I don’t know if I’m being dramatic or not. I just feel like we’re so close to burning out.

Is it a big nursery? Maybe they're a bit slack with their sickness policy or cleaning schedule - do they have a dedicated cleaner or are staff supposed to clean around the children at the end of their shifts?

I'd see if you can find a childminder, at least then your baby will only be exposed to a few other children and likely in a much cleaner environment.

I think it’s worth costing it out if being a SAHM is something you would like to do. Also think about how easy it would be for you to get another job after a few years career break.

An alternative could be a childminder, she’d be mixing with fewer children so less likely to catch things

Honestly this was what we experienced with my DD. She came with me to view the nursery two days before her 1st birthday and spent her birthday with D&V...! We were there 20 minutes..

I did speak to a few GP's wondering if it would ever end. I'm immunosuppressed so we both suffered hugely. Essentially children aren't born with immune systems. They develop them as they grow, by getting all the bugs! It really truly does get better.

The alternative is to keep LO home, not leave the house (because they will get sick!) And have an okay time of it. But this has to happen to a degree. And come school time, they'll still not have built up any immune system so rather than miss playing, they'll start missing schooling.

It's beyond tough but it does get better as they learn to fight these bugs. It's very typical to have times like this.
I used to feel like she's just recover from one, only to get another!

Getting sick this often seems unusual. I’ve got 2 in nursery / preschool and have been going for a few years and they’re rarely sick (touching wood right now). Maybe 3 times a year. The nursery are pretty strict on infection control I believe and regularly send messages out regarding 48hr rule etc.

I will say that nowadays, all sorts of stuff goes around the nursery and, touch wood, she rarely gets anything!

If she’s getting that sick and that often I think it would be worth getting her checked out by the GP. It sounds above the standard nursery lurgy!

Two months in is still early days but hopefully it will improve over the summer.

The issue is that she's mixing with so many other kids, and you can bet that several of those kids shouldn't be there due to illness. It's a constant cycle as her immune system is so immature - I would agree with the childminder, as they will have less children there but 4 days is a lot for such a young baby. When ours were little I got evening/weekend jobs as DH would then be home. It was shit not having family time but far better as we had no childcare costs.

Do you know what kind of thing I would want them to check? Took her to the GP a few times pre nursery and didn’t find them very helpful or knowledgeable about babies. So now if she seems very unwell we call 111 and are usually sent to the children’s A&E. Have been there 3 times in the 2 months since she started nursery and we genuinely don’t even go for most of the illnesses.

She just goes to nursery 2 days a week. I thought it being th summer when she started rather than at 12 months when it was winter might help but doesn’t seem to.. or worse times could be coming!

Pretty standard with nursery. I was lucky dc were 1 year old but it was 6 months of constant bugs until it all settled down.

Mine both had this when they started nursery, though they were 9 months and 12 months. Quitting work wasn’t an option and GP informed me it was normal, and they wouldn’t be off school as they’d have great immunity (someone didn’t tell DS that in reception when he had 5wks off school on public health grounds as both caught e-coli from a farm). But they did seem to have good immunity later on, but it was a terrible time. If you can afford to quit, maybe do that until she is a bit older.

We had a covid baby who started at nursery full time in winter... DC was so sick all the time, as we're DH and i.. But now, she is so rarely sick. Our second DC was never as bad as they had been exposed to all the germs from DC1! Just keep going, and then it gets slowly better and better until you suddenly realise you cant actually remeber the last time they were sick. It really does pass!

If you're only 2 months in then this is very standard. I'd say the first 3-6 months are pretty grim because their immune system is just getting set up, if you don't do it now then this will happen when she goes to school. I can totally understand why it's getting you down, I remember feeling the same and wondering if there was something underlying causing it but it did settle down after a few months.

It's fairly normal when starting nursery to be constantly ill for about a year. The good news is you won't go through this in reception.

It’s only 8 weeks in, how have you had so much to cancel in that time?! A holiday and numerous tickets?

it will get better. The thing is it has to happen at some point, it’s either now or when they start school, if you pull them out. My kids had the first year of bugs, but after that they’ve had pretty robust immune systems and rarely missed school, where kids with sahm had a rough year in reception.

i would not give up work. It isn’t worth it in the long term. Pensions, earning potential, financial stability and independence. Unless your dh has a very stable job and is also a high enough earner to compensate your pension and loss of earnings, it’s very rarely affordable.

It will get better. Mine started nursery at 3 months and I don't feel like it was as bad but I know some babies really do seem to get everything when they first start. It does get better after the first 3-6 months or so.

The holiday was before she started nursery but a few days after the settling in sessions.

The tickets were just 3 theatre shows. They were the only tickets to things that I’d booked since having a baby, just happened to be within an 8 week period.

Yes that’s the main thing that scares me about giving up work tbh

As she’s getting sick so often, it might be worth taking another 12 months off to give her more time without having to be around other babies all the time to help her immune system build up more slowly.

In a fairly large group of friends all with babies only two of us had babies who were not sick very often and the main thing we had in common was our children didn’t go into childcare until 2 or 3 years old. They still don’t get sick much.

If it is possible to take that extra time then it is worth considering.

In a couple of months it’ll be done - we had 4 months of really rough illnesses, off every other week, and then a month or so with minor bugs, and then it was done. The winter after was so much easier! It’s so rough, but once it’s done it’s done, and it also means they’ll have better immunity when they start school and they’ll also have a period of getting sick alot. It will pass! Major solidarity though, it’s an awful period xxx

I’m afraid this is par for the course with toddlers at nursery. At this age their immune systems are undeveloped so they pick up everything that goes around. I remember being at my wits’ end with it.

I understand how frustrating it is but you have to stay focused on the end game. Giving up your job would be a rash and short term solution.

It will get better eventually and if you keep her at home you’re basically delaying the point where her immune system toughens up. Sorry because its hideous but don’t do something which could have an impact on your long term wellbeing as a short term fix.

I vividly remember thinking the same thing. At 2 months into starting nursery, I thought it is just not possible to work, and was waiting to get spoken to. She was ill so I needed time off to look after her. By the time she was well enough to go in, I'd have caught it and needed time off sick. By the time I was better she'd come down with something else. Honestly felt like it was impossible. But then...it just passed... some point soon after that it eased up. And so far almost 3 years into school she has only had 1 day off sick, which tbh she probably didn't really need and is generally pretty healthy.

Word of warning though, I thought it wouldn't be as bad with our 2nd, as he was exposed to her and I figured she must bring stuff in and I took him to more groups as our eldest was a covid baby. But no...it was just as bad when he started nursery. I did ask the GP about it and they said ut was totally normal for the first few months.

If she’s falling ill this often/severely, it might be worth asking for her immune system to be checked (you may need to be very insistent). The granddaughter of a friend of mine had a never-ending series of quite nasty illnesses -constantly given antibiotics by GP and was eventually referred and diagnosed with neutropenia, a lack of neutrophils which are a type of white blood cell the body produces to fight infection (but sometimes doesn’t) It’s not uncommon, and children often grow out of the condition, apparently, but it needs to be managed.

Thank you for commenting. I feel like this is exactly what’s happening with us.

I really pray this passes soon. I was completely unprepared for how bad this would be.

Are there any local childminders? Less children so less of a risk and smaller setting usually in people’s homes. This could be a way forward.