To consider quitting work over constant nursery illnesses

[Worrying34]

Currently writing this from bed having been sick all night and day with the latest bug DD has brought home and feel like I’m at the end of my tether.

DD started nursery 2 days a week from 6 months old when I went back to work part time. She also does a day with MIL. I know that’s earlier than most children but my plan was for us to have that structure and me work part time indefinitely rather than go back full time at 12 months. It’s been 2 months of nursery and she has honestly caught a new virus every week, including in the settling in sessions!

it’s awful for her. It’s awful for us. It’s having such a huge impact on our physical and mental health and lives generally. She’s missing 25-40% of the nursery days that obviously we’re still paying for. She’s unwell more than 50% of the time. We’re falling behind with weaning and things like that. We’re catching more than 50% of the illnesses. I’m having to try and do more than 25% of my work hours each month in the evenings and weekends to catch up. DP looks after her then so obviously he’s not getting a proper break either.

Everything I’ve ever bought tickets for I’ve been unable to go to. We left our first family holiday early over it. I’m regretting booking another break later in the summer. I’m pushing back our wedding because it feels like the chance of one of us being ill on the day is just too high (it’s a pretty low key wedding but still!)

I don’t know whether we need to seriously rethink this. Has anyone actually drastically changed their jobs or quit nursery over this? I don’t know how we’d make it work but I’m seriously thinking about sitting down with DP and going through the costs.

Im hearing a mixture of whether this is normal or we’ve been unlucky. If it was coughs and colds that would be ok but it’s been 3 sickness bugs, temperatures, the worst cough I’ve ever experienced in my life that turned into bronchitis for her.

I don’t know if I’m being dramatic or not. I just feel like we’re so close to burning out.

I will just reiterate what others have probably already said. It’s grim, so so soooo grim, and exhausting, for all involved. And honestly it does go on for about 6 months ime. We’ve just gone through it with our second, and while it’s been awful, I was more prepared for how awful it is. But it passes, and it’s worth riding the shitstorm now. I swear my eldest is like Teflon these days, nothing sticks for any length of time.

I feel like everyone goes through this with nursery. I did with both DC. You reach a point where you think you can't continue - it is completely unworkable, you will lose your job, they will never stop being ill.

But it does get better. Somewhere between four to six months you realise you have gone a full month without anyone vomiting, and you are through the worst.

It's dire, you have my sympathy, but it doesn't last, honestly.

Yep. I had to do this with one of my three. It was relentless. He had <50% attendance at nursery due to sickness. We both had to take unpaid leave from work. We had 6 hospital admissions with him in the first 9m of nursery.
same child has now had his first 2 years in primary school with no sick days. He’s just bigger and more robust now

It’s an awful time. A lot of people will tell you that it passes after 6 months or a year, but IME my DC were still sick pretty constantly while at nursery.

It’s also potentially a misnomer that their immunity is better for early exposure to loads of bugs and viruses. The jury is still out on that one - I have read studies that show opposite results. Also, while your DC may build immunity to things like chickenpox, regular colds and flus mutate every year, so they keep catching those all the time.

Sorry to be a downer, but that is my experience!

Yes this is what we experienced with both kids. Our second didn’t do well with infectious illness so we were constantly in hospital with him. I was just about to hire a nanny after a relentless 9 months or so and he turned a corner.
Our older child had more what you describe (unpleasant but not A&E level) and this lasted around a year but improved after 6 months.
I’m lucky in that my work was fairly flexible and I just about made it work. No family help and little flexibility in my DHs but we muddled through and it’s a distant memory now.

It seemed like DD2 was constantly ill at that age (well, from childminder onwards, really - her first illness was a cold, the second Measles due to being too young for the MMR at the time) - however, as soon as she got into Primary School, she was practically indestructible as a result and, other than Covid when she was at University, which most of her cohort were really, really ill with as it was right at the start of the pandemic, she never missed a day of school or work for anything other than physical injury.

I find this really strange. We never experienced this, but we’re quite lucky DS is rarely ill. Maybe he has a good immune system. But I can imagine being unwell all the time must be getting you down. I’d go to the GP if she’s ill 50% of the time, that does seem excessive.

Thank you everyone for your advice and solidarity.

I’ve been getting quite upset about it all today. I keep thinking it’s a ‘punishment’ for not breast feeding or going back to work part time at 6 months.

We chose a childminder. Fewer children and older children too who are less prone to bugs.

At 3 years we used a fully outdoor Kindergarten. They had very few illnesses being outdoors all day.

It's luck.
All of mine were breastfed, one of them is bullet proof never gets ill, I was back at work at 6 months. The other two get sick all the time. Hand foot and mouth, chicken pox, scarlet fever, covid - they've had it all.

We had the same as you and quit nursery and pay a grandparent instead. It’s horrible for everyone. We were constantly ill and we couldn’t tolerate it because we had an older child who was catching everything brought home too, everyone seemed to be vomiting all the time. If you have another option I would seriously explore it.

Definitely NOT a punishment for not breastfeeding. Both of mine were breastfed for a year, and they get sick all the time!!

Also - don’t feel guilty about doing whatever you need to do for your sanity, whether that’s changing childcare arrangements, leaving work, sticking with current work & childcare but needing to let other things drop for awhile (like holidays and socialising) etc etc.

Normal for nurseries. I would look at cm as less children and usually better hygiene

it will get better

We’re currently in the trenches with this on our second. It’s just horrible isn’t it. I would say the only improvement second time round is that I haven’t caught as many of the bugs myself - maybe my immune system got a reboot too with my 1st?
The only option is to just not make too many plans and roll with it as best you can until it gets better. Which for us was definitely after a year, but improved after 6 months. My eldest is in reception now and genuinely gets ill very rarely, even with all the stuff my younger DD is bringing home from nursery.

I would say my hygiene standards have improved second time round though too - hand washing as soon as she comes home from nursery, Clinell wipes every where (especially after sickness bugs). Doesn’t stop her getting ill but might be helping the rest of us.

I would ignore all the people saying talk to the GP about it - this really is a standard first two months at nursery. The only friend of mine whose DD has needed testing for immune conditions was because she was ending up repeatedly in ICU every time she caught a cold. If it’s just a series of normal bugs one after another, that’s pretty standard.

ETA both mine were breastfed for the first year. I don’t believe it made any difference particularly.

Yep it’s grim but you’ll get through it.

It should calm down a bit in the summer months and then once it stats in the winter again it won’t be so bad.

Our daughter gets really badly affected with respiratory stuff and was admitted to hospital 9 times during her first year at nursery, the longest being 2 weeks for RSV. I was completely pulling my hair out and thought I was going to loose my job. I asked the doctors about taking her out of nursery and they all (from junior doctors to a paediatric respiratory consultant) said that she was building her immune system.

It has gotten so much better, and now a lot of my friends kids are starting nursery at 3 rather than 1 which my daughter was im seeing a lot of them suffering like we did. Even if you pro long it they will likely experience a lot of it when starting school and that’s arguably more problematic with questions about attendance etc.

It tends to get better in the summer when they are outside more so you might have just got through the worst of it

The first six months are ridiculously hard. DD started nursery during covid so barely caught anything. When she gets any bug now (she's 7) her temperature goes to 40 degrees and it takes her ages to fight it off. DS in the first three months caught hand, foot and mouth (passed it to me) and chicken pox which put DH in hospital and made his sibling quite ill.

My children went to nursery at 6 months. Honestly spent more time sick and me trying to juggle work in the first 6 months than actually attending nursery ! But it did get better and it’s like a big bang approach to bigs and immunity

anecdotally my kids spent way less time sick and off school in primary years than peers not attending nursery

id personally say try to preservere for a bit . But it is awful at the start

What is she getting ill with? Why did you cancel?

This sounds totally normal to me, the first year of nursery was a nightmare - especially when my twins got chicken pox, of course not at the same time, so essentially sharing a month off between us that we still had to pay for.

No don't quit. You'd be giving up so much in terms of contributions and progression in your role. And it will be much harder to get back in.

For reference, my third child never went to nursery at all, so he wasn't nearly as unwell in that first year. None of them are ever ill though. Youngest had two days off this year, his first since I don't know when - he's in Y9. Twins are college age and one of them had a day off this year, the other one I don't remember last time.

Aw, I really don't think it's this. To me, life is just more complicated than that.

Starting nursery was a hard time for us. We didn't have a lot of choice, DS had to go, four days from 1 year old and the first three winters were hard. Work we muddled through, my boss was understanding which helped.

But there were multiple A&E trips with DS (croup), and memorably one winter I had pneumonia, followed by D&V, followed by a uti, followed by another chest infection. I'm asthmatic which didn't help. It was miserable, I can't recommend it! Also, I think, not that unusual.

Fast forward a couple of years and he's in school now. So far, he's not had a day off sick, but honestly I think 5 years old for the barrage of illnesses would have been better. For two reasons: 1. because his airways are bigger and 2. because we all sleep more than when he was a toddler.

On the other hand, I kept my job, and my comfortable part time, hybrid arrangement might have been difficult to organise otherwise.

So, the questions I would ask are:

Can you afford not to work? If no - then don't beat yourself up - there's your answer.

Do you like your job? Could you go back fairly easily?

Is a childminder a possibility?

Does dd like nursery?

Good luck with it. It honestly does get easier!

Wow I never had anything close to this. I think DD was ill two times at nursery and I didn't catch either of those. I don't think this is normal.

My DD is never poorly and she was hardly breastfed at all. I couldn't tell you what it is but it sounds a very miserable way to live. What are you diets like and supplements that you take?

Don’t give up your job if you’re not married!

Comes with the territory, regardless of age. You get another go at it when they start school, then change schools, then uni. Yay!

Babies are low on iron stores by six months although most follow on formula has extra iron I think. Weaning with meat fish some pulses etc is meant to help with the extra iron ...and you mentioning weaning is hit and miss would it be worth checking your baby's iron levels as they are more susceptible to infection with low iron