To consider quitting work over constant nursery illnesses

[Worrying34]

Currently writing this from bed having been sick all night and day with the latest bug DD has brought home and feel like I’m at the end of my tether.

DD started nursery 2 days a week from 6 months old when I went back to work part time. She also does a day with MIL. I know that’s earlier than most children but my plan was for us to have that structure and me work part time indefinitely rather than go back full time at 12 months. It’s been 2 months of nursery and she has honestly caught a new virus every week, including in the settling in sessions!

it’s awful for her. It’s awful for us. It’s having such a huge impact on our physical and mental health and lives generally. She’s missing 25-40% of the nursery days that obviously we’re still paying for. She’s unwell more than 50% of the time. We’re falling behind with weaning and things like that. We’re catching more than 50% of the illnesses. I’m having to try and do more than 25% of my work hours each month in the evenings and weekends to catch up. DP looks after her then so obviously he’s not getting a proper break either.

Everything I’ve ever bought tickets for I’ve been unable to go to. We left our first family holiday early over it. I’m regretting booking another break later in the summer. I’m pushing back our wedding because it feels like the chance of one of us being ill on the day is just too high (it’s a pretty low key wedding but still!)

I don’t know whether we need to seriously rethink this. Has anyone actually drastically changed their jobs or quit nursery over this? I don’t know how we’d make it work but I’m seriously thinking about sitting down with DP and going through the costs.

Im hearing a mixture of whether this is normal or we’ve been unlucky. If it was coughs and colds that would be ok but it’s been 3 sickness bugs, temperatures, the worst cough I’ve ever experienced in my life that turned into bronchitis for her.

I don’t know if I’m being dramatic or not. I just feel like we’re so close to burning out.

2bh when I I worked in a baby room at nursery it was quite standard for the really young babies to be sick the first 3/4months especially if they started in winter. Their immune systems are really immature at this stage and literally everything goes in their mouth and they clamber all over each other as well as the numerous adults holding them.
I would trial a childminder, or take baby out of all childcare till 14months when they're a bit hardier. They'll still catch colds but shouldn't totally knock them off their feet.

Absolutely not, on neither count!

DS26 went to nursery three days a week from 7 months and my friend who is a childminder had him the other two days, with her DD, my goddaughter.

He started in January. By Easter he had had four colds, three stomach bugs, two bouts of conjunctivitis and one virus that started like chickenpox but wasn’t. I was in despair by Easter. He hadn’t done a full fortnight at childcare in three months. He put no weight on for several weeks. HV delayed his first MMR because of it. DH and I staggered through it and I decided to go part time. That was the right decision but it had a long term impact on my career.

And after that Easter he was scarcely ever ill.

DS2 was also not bf and also went to nursery at 7 months. He was hardly ill at all - but he started in September. When he started school he picked up more bugs than his older brother had done.

So I think it’s possibly more likely that it’s a winter/early spring problem and it does get better.

@Worrying34 both my DC started nursery at 7 months. They caught something every week for at least a year, then moved to just winters. It’s horrendous but it does build their immune system.

By the time they went to primary school they were as strong as oxes. Neither one had a single day off sick in the 7 years they were there. In fact it was until year 8/9 when they started getting winter colds again.

It will improve. Hang-on in there!

It is totally normal

The average is 12 respiratory viruses, 3 vomiting bugs and 1x rash type (i.e chicken pox) in the first 12 months ish but mainly all consolidated to the winter months. When you take into account the fact that all of these last a few weeks to get over, then the next one hits, it seems like your child is never well

there are lots of well know and well respected paediatricians on social media who talk about this

We have been there done that and it was bloody tough let me tell you but it calms down and unless you’re going to decline play dates with friends, days out and play groups as a stay at home mum then I wouldn’t take them out of nursery

and to those blaming the nursery. Kids lick toys, cough on each other. No amount of daily cleaning can stop bugs from being passed around

This is genuinely one of the many reasons why neither of mine set foot in a nursery until term after third birthday.

It is not the optimal environment for an immature, developing immune system. This is surely obvious given how often babies get ill, this is not the norm. Neither of mine were ill that often or to that severity at that age, and we did socialise and attend baby groups. There are links with cortisol too- it is stressful for a baby to be away from mum for long periods of time, and increased cortisol weakens immunity. This is inconvenient for parents to hear, but true.

People on here underestimate the benefits of keeping babies/toddlers at home. We experienced minimal illness, more rest/sleep for the whole household, less stress and zero panicking about juggling illness with a job. Honestly, if you are in a position to make changes, do it!

I have to be honest and say one of my previous managers came back to work after 6 months and she was then hardly ever around because her baby was so ill all the time from nursery.

I don’t know what the answer is tbh. Maybe see if things improve over the summer.

I could not put up with this. I'd look into a childminder.

I also do not believe kids have to go through all the illnesses whilst young and then theyre ok at school - its a complete myth.

Just to do say your baby is not a toddler. If you could have afforded to stay off on maternity leave longer then Im not sure why that wasn’t an option ? If you couldnt then of course that’s completely understandable. My
DD went to a childminder and I only really remember her getting chicken pox when she was 3. I had a really great experience with her and grateful that we did not encounter this because it sounds really stressful.

Hang in there. I’m convinced that returning to work, settling your baby into nursery, and coping with the inevitable months of illness is one of the toughest stages of parenting.
My two were exactly the same, you’re in the thick of it right now, and it’s exhausting but it does get better, I promise. For me, the hardest part was dealing with the repeated bouts of sickness bugs that seemed to sweep through the whole family time and time again.

It does seem bad. Are you giving her vitamins C&D? Mine went to nursery at 5 months. He seems to have a cast iron constitution because he's only had 3 colds since, and he's now 13 months. Other friends (who also breastfeed, so I don't think that's the key factor) seem to average about once a month. Most have been unlucky and had chicken pox as babies. We've got the jab booked in for next week.

What's the nursery like? I'm not UK, and it's not uncommon to start at 10 weeks (!) here. That means nurseries are good at babies. They have well ventilated sleep spaces and the tiny ones are kept out of reach of the toddlers. The room is spotless and they remove all the furniture to deep clean every 3 months. Mine could already commando crawl so he could lick the toddlers and the floor himself. Is the room big and well ventilated enough for the number of kids, and does the hygiene look OK? The staff at mine are off relatively often which is frustrating because there is cover that DS doesn't know, but better than staff coming in sick and spreading it.

At least getting the bugs now should make starting school easier, otherwise you'll have to go through this all again at 4.

Tbh I really love my work and in general I was so happy at having the mix of days working and with my DD. I didn’t want the all or nothing of working full time or being off completely. It felt really right for me until the constant illnesses started and made it feel completely overwhelming.

My job really relies on connections and me being available and it will be very hard, but hopefully not impossible, to get back into after a long break. Tbh I was worried about even a full year’s break which I was why I didn’t take one. That as well as I was only getting statutory until 9 months and then money would stop completely.

Thinking about it slightly less emotional today, I think we’d still be able to feed everyone, pay the mortgage and what not with me not working. But we’d have to make very significant lifestyle changes. And knowing DP I think deep down he’d find the pressure of all of us relying solely on his salary overwhelming. I’d be passing the stress onto him in a sense.

It just seems a lot OP. Im not suggesting you stop your life when you have a baby but a two holidays and three theatre trips booked and the baby is in nursery at 6 months old. Doesn’t it seem a bit hectic? It feels like our lives have seasons and the period for me post baby was a bit more chill - finding a rythym. I don’t really remember visiting the Doctors other than for vaccinations so do you think the baby already has a propensity for bugs / illnesses before you even started with the childcare? I probably would have waited for the 9 months and given her a bit more time but maybe a different setting would help

My oldest went to nursery at 6 months. Mat pay ended then so completely normal. She had dreadful reflux which eased when she started weaning. We had very little illness with her. Baby 2 went back at 9 months as mat pay was extended between DC1 and 2. She was ill all the time. Caught every thing going. Both breastfed but one was constantly ill and at 15 is still prone to infections. I couldn’t afford to give up work but I was lucky that my parents would help when she wasn’t too severely ill.

We were quite broke when we had out two as DH had gone back to uni and was then starting a new career. We couldn’t afford holidays or theatre trips but actually that wasn’t a bad thing as there was no pressure and we had really chilled weekends and annual leave hanging out with other families and their DC.

I think maybe the holidays and theatre sounds more full on than they actually are.

The two holidays are 6 months apart and just cottages an hour’s drive from home.

Excluding 1 wedding me and DP went to, the 3 theatre trips would have been the only evenings I went out and left the baby since she was born. I think that’s why missing them hit so hard tbh.

She may be a particularly sensitive baby physically. In general she seems to recover quickly from all the nursery illnesses but before she started nursery she had a bad and prolonged reaction to one of the vaccinations and that’s why we were back to the GP quite a few times.

Even at age 7, we have bad runs of illnesses sometimes. The intervals between them are longer now, but for example we all caught two viruses back to back in March and I really struggled to maintain my working hours that month (and I only do about 24 per week); I was working from my bed feeling really ill just to try and keep on top of things. I too didn’t realise how much of being a parent involved being ill so regularly.

It’s still early days. She’ll pick up more in the first few months then as her immune system develops it will happen less.
It’s the same for everyone and you just need to get through this tough temporary period.
Either that or change to a child minder.

It’s pretty standard when children start nursery at any age. We get children who start school nursery having not been anywhere before and they go down with everything whereas those who have been to settings before have a more robust immune system. In the long term I think you’re better trying to ride it out as DD immune system will be up to speed quicker than if she stays home all the time. Better for the sickness days off to happen now than once she starts school.

Where is you husband/partner in all of this? Why can’t he share the load when she’s ill.

I went back to work 3 days pw and when they were ill we’d make call about whose work was most crucial that particular day/whose turn it was.
The fact that you’re part time is a bonus for him as it means that he doesn’t need to worry if she’s ill on the days you don’t work, so the least he can do is take his turn on the 2 days that you work.

It's tough. Mine went to nursery part time at six months and for the first few years every bit of my annual leave was taken with sick children, this was nearly 30 years ago so I don't know if parents get parental leave now. On top of that I got ill a lot, DS1 was in hospital twice with nasty infections.
It wasn't as if I really had to go back to work, it was just the done thing. It was miserable and in hindsight I wish I hadn't gone back to work and had stayed at home for those early years.
Don't feel guilty whatever you decide, choose what's best for the baby and you.

Havent rtft

Have you.looked at CMs?
Mine are with a childminder and barely get sick relative to al ot of my friends kids... def less than average I'd say. CM will also take them when a bit unwell (eg calpol level) and they will potter around at home and watch a Disney movie.
One of the other children who joined moved from a nursery setting due to repeated illness and is much better now.
That might be age exposure / whatever though...

But anyway id try that before jacking in the job.

It is SO hard though 💐

Just to add similar to others my twins started nursery at 10 months and were very similar although it was mainly chesty coughs etc with the odd but of sickness thrown in but after a rough 4-6 months they have had amazing immunity in school and misses very little of reception 1 had 100 percent attendance for the whole of KS2

After about 6 months there (so 4 more) DD and you should start to have built up resistance to most of the bug strains. I know it’s awful during those first 6 months, and you will still keep getting the odd bug. I take Samucol gummies, they seem to help my immune system.

This is normal but YNBU for feeling at the end of your tether. Hang in there and it will get better.