Husband, our Saturday together - aibu for improvising our day together instead of planning more?

[Happywhen]

I’ve previously posted about my husband, his activities and trying to keep one Saturday a month spending time together, as he has his daughter every weekend day bar this Saturday, as well as time in the week, and has multiple hobbies on weekdays.

So yesterday was the Saturday. In the morning we took his elderly mother to the airport as she was going to visit her family. She was nervous and wanted help at the airport so my husband agreed to take her. I get on really well with his mother so I also went. We got back at 2pm.

He then asked me what I had planned. I said I was going to look for something for us to do, as I’d originally planned a day trip somewhere but was too late when we got back. I was looking on my phone and suggesting things to do, everything I said he said “I don’t mind”. Eventually we went somewhere and then got food. Got the impression all day he was tired/in a mood but didn’t say anything.

During the meal his brother called and said he’d felt left out of the airport trip and they needed to talk. Husband left me at the restaurant and went to his brothers for around 2 hours. I explicitly said to him “it’s not ideal but you’re being put in a difficult situation”. His brother and I don’t get along, and he’s been vile towards his mother, so I said along the lines of, he’s positioning himself as badly done to, but he’s created this situation himself.

husband got home around 7. We needed a weekly shop so we went to get it. We were laughing around the shop, all fine.

Around midnight after watching a series together, he snapped and said “you went on and on about this Saturday together, and what did we do? Went to a museum and had food?”

I said I didn’t want a grand plan, just time together. He said I asked you to plan something, that would have been nice for me. He got irritate, shouting and hitting his head. He said I should’ve planned something he’d enjoy, and I was in a mood because he had to go to his brothers, he said “I have to spend time with you in the week, at the weekend, all the time”

He was so angry. I said I didn’t plan anything as we were planning on going the airport, he said you’ve had weeks.

I left the room as the shouting came from nowhere and eventually cried myself to sleep.

Aibu? I was quieter after his brother rang because I think his brother creates drama and the family have to placate him. But I wasn’t moody with him, the evening carried on as usual when he came home. Aibu to not have planned a big elaborate day, and improvised on the day?

“I have to spend time with you in the week, at the weekend, all the time”

He HAS to? What an utter dick.

You’ve started multiple threads about your relationship.

I think it’s time to realise that it’s just not working.

In that case he’s just being an absolute twat and should have organised something himself!
You obviously know your husband best but is it worth a chat about his attitude and if anything is stressing him out? Hubs and I had a row the other week and after I’d told him to shove the frying pan, pancake batter and glass hob up his arse and stomped off to put the washing away I calmed we both apologised and kissed and made up and I asked what was wrong and he’d had a stressful week at work he hadn’t wanted to tell me about as I was so tired with work!!!

But you don't have to play happy families.
I'd certainly not be in the house today. I'd have been gone early for the whole day.

I wouldn't call living with someone who doesn't even like me a HOME. Assuming you don't have equity in the house, I'd spend today looking for new accommodation.

@Happywhen
Start a new thread asking for advice on how to leave him, including relevant details like this.

What a strange man! ‘Shouting and hitting his head’!!! I could not stay with someone like this, I would have no respect for him. Why do you have to plan non stop treats for your own husband to get him to spend time with you instead of just living your life together? Bizarre.

He started it again this morning. He said I was pathetic, deluded and twisting things in my mind. He said he wanted a “bit of fucking romance” not just drifting through the day. He said “you need to be carried through life to make any plans or decisions”. He said I was deluded for thinking he didn’t want to spend time with me.

he then said “family time is us spending time together. If dsd is eating her dinner we can talk then. If dsd runs off to play we have time together”. I said I mentioned the Saturday thing because we didn’t do anything “adult” when his dsd is her (understandably), he said why not? She can come with us for a meal or the cinema. I said well you don’t take her to golf, he said “yeah cus there’s someone else to look after her”

he said I should be “fucking excited for his hobbies” and maybe I should try getting some.

When I said please don’t talk to me like that, he laughed and threw his phone over the room.

ive packed a bag and im going to stay with my friend.

Well done for leaving now make sure you follow through and divorce him.

You can make another house a home but that is no way to live.

Good luck

He's hitting himself, he's throwing his phone - next it will be punching a wall or you. Get out.

Ooohhh please, please stay wherever you are now. What a prick. What a self inflated idea of how your supposed to accommodate your life to his enjoyment. He definitely will tell you he's changed, but it's to get you back to watch his kid whilst he goes out. Maybe it's true, but let that evidence show whilst your not there, let him give up his activities to watch his kid. Don't ever step in to "help" and tell him to arrange exciting date days to whoo you back, see how much passion he has for that before going back

he said “yeah cus there’s someone else to look after her”
Have a guess why this man was thrown out by the child's mother. He's an arsehole.

He said he wanted a “bit of fucking romance” not just drifting through the day.
It's all one-way. Taking his mum to the airport took up all morning, then he went to his brother's. How romantic of him.

Throwing his phone in a tantrum. He'll be throwing his fists next.

Take up a hobby. 🏃

He's not a prick, he's a selfish abusive cunt.

I remember your last post. Golf and marathons and he finally commits a Saturday to you BUT it has a trip to the airport right in the middle and then he’s mad you didn’t plan a day trip you’d have had to cancel.
Leave leave leave leave. While you’re at your friends think, plan and see a lawyer. He’s not your partner he’s not even your friend. He can manage his hobbies around his dd now his live in childcare is gone.

Ah, his solution to you not spending enough time together is to spend even less time together. You get a hobby. On your own I assume? Not a shared hobby you can do together.

Please don't go back. If you do, remember how easy it was to pack a bag and walk this time.

He won't like it that you did this. He's very comfy being a c*nt to you as he doesn't think you'll do anything.

Hitting his head, throwing his phone..... He's unhinged. Someone else said it might be you he hits next time. You don't have to wait for that to happen.

People will support you to leave. Posters here. People in your life. Professionals, organisations etc. It's out there. You can create whatever you want for yourself because this isn't it x

You're just a nanny with a fanny. He treats with you with contempt.

He'll say he'll change but he won't. He's shown you who he is.

Rebuild your life without him.
🏃🏃🏃

Well done for leaving, @Happywhen
It's never easy...!

I would recommend taking some.time.at your friends to try to sort alternate accommodation (depending how long she'll let you stay).

Don't go back to the house without a friend. Go back.and get your essentials.

Then sort your finances over the rest of the week.

He sounds a complete twat. Good on you for moving out. Now make it permanent.

You deserve better.

Just started reading the thread and I was so glad to see your last update. There is no way you should be staying with this man. Please don’t falter and go back when he starts to realise what he’s missing and starts to make empty promises.

You can do so much better. I don’t know you obviously, but it’s not an empty platitude. Anyone can do better than living with someone who treats them that way. Being on your own is preferable.

I hope that you get time to evaluate this relationship when you are at your friend’s house . I think a breathing space will be good for you to see what it is that you want and what you are getting out of the relationship .

it seems like your H is prioritising everyone / everything else over you .
i understand that with his mother and brother he was stressed out . However that does not justify him taking all this out on you . He may have been stressed at the time , but he continued to be horrible to you .
Very true , but the saying - when people show you who they are - believe them .
Are you happy with him , do you find that you are bending yourself every which way to try and accommodate him , his family and his hobbies .
He seems to see you as a one way support for him , to look after his daughter when he is pursuing his hobbies . He doesn’t want you to bring any stresses / your own needs to this relationship . You are there to facilitate him leading a less stressful life .
Think about , is there any time when you needed support , was he able to provide it ?
Relationships can “function “ when one person is doing all the heavy lifting . There may be reasons why one person is dealing with the heavy load eg illness of their partner . This is not the case here .
It is difficult to know if couples counselling might help . It does seem that your H is selfish and is putting his needs first all the time . It will be difficult / impossible to change an entrenched personality .

Yes it isn’t ideal when relationships fail and you have invested time / money/ your feelings in this / but that is no reason to continue in a relationship which isn’t making you happy .
Good luck with whatever you do .

You need Women's aid and legal advice.
Can you prove how much you have put into the house?
It needs to be sold.

Are you free skivvy aupair for HIS child?
If so stop.

Is this why he married you?

Your dh sounds like a psycho.

This.

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Should be on the GCSE syllabus IMO.

Well done for having your own back, stay strong now- he won’t change, though he may promise to.

This!