Husband, our Saturday together - aibu for improvising our day together instead of planning more?

[Happywhen]

I’ve previously posted about my husband, his activities and trying to keep one Saturday a month spending time together, as he has his daughter every weekend day bar this Saturday, as well as time in the week, and has multiple hobbies on weekdays.

So yesterday was the Saturday. In the morning we took his elderly mother to the airport as she was going to visit her family. She was nervous and wanted help at the airport so my husband agreed to take her. I get on really well with his mother so I also went. We got back at 2pm.

He then asked me what I had planned. I said I was going to look for something for us to do, as I’d originally planned a day trip somewhere but was too late when we got back. I was looking on my phone and suggesting things to do, everything I said he said “I don’t mind”. Eventually we went somewhere and then got food. Got the impression all day he was tired/in a mood but didn’t say anything.

During the meal his brother called and said he’d felt left out of the airport trip and they needed to talk. Husband left me at the restaurant and went to his brothers for around 2 hours. I explicitly said to him “it’s not ideal but you’re being put in a difficult situation”. His brother and I don’t get along, and he’s been vile towards his mother, so I said along the lines of, he’s positioning himself as badly done to, but he’s created this situation himself.

husband got home around 7. We needed a weekly shop so we went to get it. We were laughing around the shop, all fine.

Around midnight after watching a series together, he snapped and said “you went on and on about this Saturday together, and what did we do? Went to a museum and had food?”

I said I didn’t want a grand plan, just time together. He said I asked you to plan something, that would have been nice for me. He got irritate, shouting and hitting his head. He said I should’ve planned something he’d enjoy, and I was in a mood because he had to go to his brothers, he said “I have to spend time with you in the week, at the weekend, all the time”

He was so angry. I said I didn’t plan anything as we were planning on going the airport, he said you’ve had weeks.

I left the room as the shouting came from nowhere and eventually cried myself to sleep.

Aibu? I was quieter after his brother rang because I think his brother creates drama and the family have to placate him. But I wasn’t moody with him, the evening carried on as usual when he came home. Aibu to not have planned a big elaborate day, and improvised on the day?

What are you expecting from this thread, different to your thread 2 weeks ago?

You were told then he's a prick, using you and you should leave... you chose to stay? How many people need to explain to you this relationship will NEVER work before you act?

He is quite capable of planning an activity for you both to enjoy - why isn't he doing so? Rather than berating you. What a twat!

This guy is an arsehole who doesn't like you. Walk away.

Also, what kind of adult gets upset about not driving someone to the airport? That's fucking weird.

How long have you been with him? How old is his daughter? Are you married?

Oh OP I had one of these. Thought getting stoned and gaming with his back to me wearing headphones was spending time with me.

Also had one moan about how busy his life was and described our relationship as 'having to come here and do this'.

Took too long with both of them to realise I deserved better.

This will never change. He clearly resents the time he already 'has' to be with you. Scrape up what's left of your dignity and stop begging for attention.

He didn’t want a relaxing day, he said to me when he was shouting that I should have planned an activity he enjoyed

If you had, you should have known he would just want to relax.

Whatever you did here would have been wrong- that’s why he never committed to any of the suggestions.

Agree.
Also, what he actually wanted was to go golfing. He was hoping you would eventually give up and say oh just forget it and do what you want. Then it would be your fault and he could go for a run with a clear conscience.

He doesn't like you. He doesn't want to spend time with you. You are the least interesting thing in his world. This does NOT mean that you are unlikable and not a joy to be around, this means HE is a knob head. He is using you, and I really can't see what you are getting out of the relationship.Do you have options at all to just walk away?

He doesn’t value you or your time together, that much is plainly obvious.
How crap.
Not what I would want out of a relationship.
Dh and I are both quite busy but when we can we will nip out and get lunch out together or just spend an hour on a Sunday afternoon out for a walk just the two of us. He’s aware that I don’t see him most Saturdays because of his additional hobby (that he shares with ds), the reality is that I bloody love my Saturdays to myself 😂 but we are at the mercy of his timetable so I know Saturdays are mine to do what I want with.
Now it’s winding down for the summer so he said to me on Friday that he’s aware we don’t get to spend much time together because Saturdays are wiped out and shall we have a little holiday away together just the two of us for some quality time. It was lovely of him to think of doing it and I appreciate that gesture a lot. He’s found some option and so have I, we’ve approached it as a team.
relationships work both ways with each person putting effort in, I’d be so unhappy in your situation op, you deserve happiness as much as the next person. Please prioritise your own happiness.

Silence this morning whilst he both have to be cheerful around dsd. It grates on me when he’s silent after an argument but I csnt just pretend it never happened. Which is what he usually wants to do. But not the time to talk obviously because dsd is here

I know he doesn’t like me, and I know he doesn’t want time with me.

I know I need to leave but I don’t know how to. I moved here to be with him. I contributed so much to this house and it feels like my home.

@Happywhen , How long have you been with him? How old is his daughter? Are you married? How old are you? Do you want children of your own?

Do you rent your home? Is it mortgaged and if so in who's name?

Why are you staying at home taking care of his child today? Can't you go out and leave him to it whilst you do some thinking about why you accept this behaviour?

Ah, sweetheart. I’m so sorry.

I suggest you start a new thread asking for advice on the practicalities of leaving. Set out the issues and people will be able to help. MN is genuinely fantastic at helping people get their proverbial ducks in a row. Logistics, assets, what you need legal advice on, even the finer points on packing.

You can do this.

The hills are that way. He sounds insane.
shouting and hitting his head, apropo of nothing because you didn’t plan a day for the two of you in minute detail, around a plan to drive his mother to the airport that fell right in the middle of it anyway?
spending two hours with his brother because the brother felt left out of dropping his mum off at the airport? WTF? I mean…. I think you can do better mate.

This is not normal at all and sounds a really full day to me. I do tend to check what on locally mid week so I have ideas but we very rarely decide what to in advance. He is acting very odd generally, I’d seriously consider leaving!

He married you to get a bangmaidnanny so he could go do his hobbies. He doesn't really want to spend that day with you, he was pissed off this time because he would rather be golfing.

Just like being the bangmaidnanny, you're expected to do all the work of you twospending that one child free day together. You make the plans and do everything. He's just there and he really doesn't want to be. He seems to actually resent you and having to spend time with you. He sounds angry and immature.

What you contributed to his home or whatever and moving, that's your sunk cost. It's time to go. You're not loved or your work appreciated in this situation.

Start small, go out for the day and leave him to it. Gym? Museum? The world is your oyster. She is HIS daughter not yours. No need to hang around with misery guts.

I'd be out the door. No way would I be providing childcare.

I have to say though ... away from Mumsnet, you can get a lot of shit for that. It's very much expected by many. I was looked upon badly for daring to conduct my own life (spend time with aging parents) for a few hours the weekends his child was there.

I chose those weekends as we were long distance. Partner, his child and my parents lived in the same city. I lived 60 miles away. He came to me on his child free weekends. Of course I was going to see them while I was there. Still unreasonable apparently as he had his kid.... soooo I couldn't win

Your husband and his brother sound like total wierdos!

The airport story is just utterly insane.

Run as far and fast as you can.

I know he doesn’t like me, and I know he doesn’t want time with me.

So why are you here even questioning all of this?

100%. Being with you is a chore for him. I disagree with PPs who profess bewilderment that you hadn’t planned or discussed anything before the day. You don’t need to add this day and your relationship as something else that you have to keep in your head that has to be thought about in advance.

You had a day to yourselves and it turned out that he can’t bear your company without the distraction of an activity planned by you and he was vacant of ideas himself. That’s really telling: as a couple you have no interests in common and no interest in what’s going on in your area.

To quote a PP, I “don’t get” why on the day neither of you could think of things you would like to see, visit or do together. It really shouldn’t be hard work.

Sorry but he’s furious that you didn’t plan more - a museum and food out is a lovely day plan - but he spent the majority of the day helping his mum and brother?

Sorry OP but he is being abusive towards you.

I couldn’t live like this. I would stop trying to coax him into spending time with you and just try and do other stuff. Maybe do some nice volunteer work like in a museum or NT place and try and build up connections or take up a hobby. Do not ever go out of your way to do stuff for him and that includes looking after his kids. If my DH left me at a restaurant there would be serious consequences.

You are all very bizarre and hard work.