Husband, our Saturday together - aibu for improvising our day together instead of planning more?

[Happywhen]

I’ve previously posted about my husband, his activities and trying to keep one Saturday a month spending time together, as he has his daughter every weekend day bar this Saturday, as well as time in the week, and has multiple hobbies on weekdays.

So yesterday was the Saturday. In the morning we took his elderly mother to the airport as she was going to visit her family. She was nervous and wanted help at the airport so my husband agreed to take her. I get on really well with his mother so I also went. We got back at 2pm.

He then asked me what I had planned. I said I was going to look for something for us to do, as I’d originally planned a day trip somewhere but was too late when we got back. I was looking on my phone and suggesting things to do, everything I said he said “I don’t mind”. Eventually we went somewhere and then got food. Got the impression all day he was tired/in a mood but didn’t say anything.

During the meal his brother called and said he’d felt left out of the airport trip and they needed to talk. Husband left me at the restaurant and went to his brothers for around 2 hours. I explicitly said to him “it’s not ideal but you’re being put in a difficult situation”. His brother and I don’t get along, and he’s been vile towards his mother, so I said along the lines of, he’s positioning himself as badly done to, but he’s created this situation himself.

husband got home around 7. We needed a weekly shop so we went to get it. We were laughing around the shop, all fine.

Around midnight after watching a series together, he snapped and said “you went on and on about this Saturday together, and what did we do? Went to a museum and had food?”

I said I didn’t want a grand plan, just time together. He said I asked you to plan something, that would have been nice for me. He got irritate, shouting and hitting his head. He said I should’ve planned something he’d enjoy, and I was in a mood because he had to go to his brothers, he said “I have to spend time with you in the week, at the weekend, all the time”

He was so angry. I said I didn’t plan anything as we were planning on going the airport, he said you’ve had weeks.

I left the room as the shouting came from nowhere and eventually cried myself to sleep.

Aibu? I was quieter after his brother rang because I think his brother creates drama and the family have to placate him. But I wasn’t moody with him, the evening carried on as usual when he came home. Aibu to not have planned a big elaborate day, and improvised on the day?

I’m so sorry but this man doesn’t even like you.

Why are you dragging this out?

Why is it your responsibility to plan the day? He could have suggested things to do? And even if you had, wouldn't you have had to cancel it all because you spent most of it on the airport trip? He is the one who has his daughter and his hobbies. He can't just expect you to drop everything on the one day he's free and make it special and all about him as if you should be grateful for his being available - this just isn't a grown-up way of looking at the world. Maybe you (both) need to stop putting so much pressure on the free Saturday to be special.
Adulting is about having responsibilities and fitting in lunch together amidst a day of errands is what a grown-up weekend looks like. He'd be horrified at my bank holiday plans! It sounds like the bigger issue is that you don't feel like he prioritises you over his other commitments, and he expects you to be the perfect, hostess wife when he finally makes time for you.

You know what you should do but you won't you are not his PA

Jesus Christ. Please please please just leave him. Every thread he gets worse and his utter lack of giving a shit about you more apparent. You deserve much better than one day a month in which you are expected to provide this manchild with some sort of perfect day. You deserve someone who wants to spend time with you.

Your relationship is dead - why are you clinging on to it ? Why are you clinging on to him when he obviously doesn’t want to be with you ?!

as an aside - I wouldn’t want to spending my date day doing a weekly shop - it’s very boring . You could’ve planned something nice !

So on your one day per month, he took his
mother to the airport and it’s YOUR fault it wasn’t an enjoyable day?
Reading this and some of your previous post, it sounds like your purpose is babysitting - both with him on days out and to enable him to do his hobbies outside the home when she sleeps
over - and (presumably) regular sex. I suspect you also do an unfair share of housework if he is out so often. I do not see currently what you get out of this relationship at all. How do you see the relationship working if you have children (if you are planning to)? It sounds to me like he resents the limits on his lifestyle of his child and because he can only deprioritise her to some extent, he resents any further time you take him away from his sports. Over time I suspect he will try to handover more and more childcare to you - particularly if you have your own ‘well you need to look after little Johnny anyway’. I’d consider seriously what is in this relationship for you.

What was his response to that? It sounds almost like an ultimatum ie if you don't like it you can go.

Be careful as he may well take you up on it. Is that a result you'd be happy with?

This is not a healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship, you don’t have to cajole your partner into spending time with you!

Are you happy?

Have you thought about leaving him?

I’ve read both your threads. This reminds me a lot of some of the interactions between myself and my EXH. In our last ever couples counselling session, when we made the decision to divorce, I said, “At least I won’t be with someone who acts like they are doing me some kind of favour by spending time with me”. That’s not a good, healthy relationship. Life really is too bloody short for that. It shouldn’t be like that. I’m now a lot happier, calmer, more relaxed on my own. And I’ve realised that many of the things he made out were somehow my fault, were actually of his making. So please do yourself a favour and let go of tying yourself up in knots over this relationship and move on. It won’t be easy at first but it will be a damn sight better in the long term.

Is he 5 years old? He shouts and hits his head because he didn't get to do what he wanted? And who goes to see their brother to talk about the fact the brother is upset about not being involved in a trip to the airport?! They all sound completely insane. I'd be living on pins in your situation. I won't do a 'LTB', but it would be under very strong consideration

Hi OP

Having read your previous threads, at this point you'd be unreasonable if you stayed in this relationship.

Planned or not, a museum and food in an afternoon / evening is fine.

It was incredibly rude of him to leave you in the restaurant because of a phone call about being left out of dropping someone off at an airport.

You are in relationship with someone who doesn't want to spend any time with you. He has literally said that he 'has to' spend time with you in the evenings, and he will only spend time with you on the weekend if it's a full exciting day out filled with activities.

He yelled at you for not organising more, when he could have organised something himself

At this point, what are you getting out of this relationship? Most people would consider it a nice day if their partner came with them on a boring airport trip to keep them company, and later had an afternoon out and dinner. But he yells.

Please leave him, this isn't a one off.

Your husband sounded like a dick in your first thread, and still sounds like a dick. Remind us why you're with him?

OP, he sounds unhinged. You do not have to put up with this.

Shouting and hitting his head. He sounds like a nutter. Is that normal behaviour when he is irritated? He has a lot on that he chooses to do and you sound like you keep the house running. You happy with that OP? Because it’s not going to change is it? You’re not his priority.

Me and our DD are my DH’s priority, and I feel that. Do you?

My ex used to blame me for his bad days. Even if it was nothing to do with me- if someone else had said something or he hadn’t enjoyed an event, it was my fault. And whenever he did something “for me” because I had mentioned it or asked for it or whatever, that was then used as a stick to beat me with- either to show how much he sacrificed “for me” or how much he did “for me” and never got time for himself. I lived on eggshells and was made really quite ill by the time I left him.

Please leave this man. He isn’t good to you.

@Happywhen C'mon OP. You know this is dreadful. Everything about your relationship is wrong and awful. Are you afraid to leave because of finances or kids? I can tell you through bitter personal experience that one day when you're much older you'll wake up and wonder why you spent so many years trying to make this man happy. You'll feel as if you've been sleep walking through life, with nothing but sadness and anger to show for it. That's if he doesn't have an affair and leave you first.

Him storming off permanently would be a great result - read the previous thread….

Oh he sounds a prince amongst men OP. What a catch you have there.

Seriously, cut yourself loose, go and enjoy your life.

How did dating happen? When did things change? You are in a relationship, yet a simple dinner out, once a week is beyond him. You were even thinking of going on holiday alone. You are wasting your life with him. He wants a live in housekeeper and nanny, not a partner.

His brother felt left out of an airport trip then had to get your husband round to discuss it for 2hrs? Wtaf. How old is he?

Then husband comes home, bitches to you incessantly, has a massive tantrum and starts hitting his head! He has anger issues and sounds like an absolute dick. Chuck him out...preferably from a high window.

I’m going to stick my neck out here and probably get flayed alive! But it sounds as though your husband is stressed out! Much of it of his own making admittedly with the hobbies But that’s quite a lot he’s juggling with taking his mother to the airport dealing with a stroppy brother etc! Sounds like you’re both dealing with a lot and actually is a planned day out conducive to relaxing? Hubs and i’s idea of a relaxing day together is chilling on the sofa watching crap on TV, snuggling, chatting and just being together!

I don’t get why you wouldn’t plan the day out around wherever the airport was? Something that benefits from the drive already done. Rather than return home then try abs plan another trip out?

I "have to" spend time with you.

Get out now.

Just leave and your life will feel instantly happier. He clearly does not like you.

Your husband just doesn't like you very much. And honestly, the thought of having an argument with my DH and him shouting and hitting his head is just ludicrous.

I remember reading your previous thread but can't remember what your housing situation is, are you renting, do you own?When you do decide to leave him, how would you manage that? Would you have to move out or would he?