AIBU to feel uneasy about MIL wanting one-to-one time with baby?

[Mamibaba]

I only saw MIL twice in the three years before baby was born even though we live in the same town. Didn’t see her whilst pregnant but she expects to now have access to baby and one to one time. Is it right that I don’t feel comfortable with that as I don’t feel I know her wel enough.

Firstly - you are a new mum. You are programmed to care for and protect your baby. Leaving him with a virtual stranger is not sensible or likely to put you at your ease.

Secondly, you have no idea how she will care for your child, so you need to spend time all three of you together to build up some trust

Thirdly, your baby needs to be with the primary care giver, ie you. Your baby is not a toy for your MIL to play with. What MIL wants is irrelevant, she's done her parenting. What is best for your baby is the only thing that matters.

I felt the same and my midwife said that my MIL wouldn't go into Longleat and pick up a lion cub, because the mother would tear her limb from limb, so why did she expect to do that with a human baby? It shows a fundamental lack of respect. If you aren't happy, tell her no.

Well presumably your partner knows her well enough, even if she wasnt always an involved mum? He has a say too as to whether he's confortable with her being with the baby.

No-one should be expecting to be able to look after a baby not their own. Offering is fine. Mum's word goes, based on gut feeling.

I don't think either parent should be able to demand the baby be left alone with someone the other parent isn't comfortable with.

MIL spending time with the baby and one parent still being present is different.

That's not really answering the question of what he thinks about this.

In his position I'd be thinking absolutely not. She's not a generic abstract grandmother, she is the woman he didn't even want to live with himself .

Nope. Just nope. She’s a stranger to you. If she builds a solid relationship with you and your baby over time then as baby grows you may feel comfortable leaving them alone together. Don’t be pushed into doing something you’re not comfortable with.

It would be a no from me in this case.

QFT....

I would say your instincts are right OP. Invite her to spend time with you as a family, see if she's interested in that. Who asks for "one-to-one time" with someone else's baby?

No she can’t have your baby if you’re not comfortable with it. She can expect it and want it all she likes. “That doesn’t work for me,” should shut it down.

Don’t be bullied into this.

She doesn't need 1-to-1 time - you can all spend time together.

Normally I would say you are being precious, assuming MIL was a nice woman that brought up your decent DH however in this instance MIL sounds crazy to assume you will just hand your baby over to her purely based on her having birthed your husband!
I am guessing you wouldn't hand your baby over to anyone else that you had only seen a couple of times before so she should be no different.

18 years?! 25 surely? Some people just don't give a f* about their kids.

Because she has rarely met her = stranger

You aren't being unreasonable. You don't have a relationship with her and she was obviously a pretty shit mother if your partner moved out in his teens. Will your partner back you up in saying no to his mum spending time alone with your baby?

I mean obviously the answer is no but I'm interested to hear how she asked this?

I’d say no but she’s welcome to visit/ meet up.

Baby is now 8 months. Partner has never taken her to see his mother I have taken her a few times (with his blessing)

No. With your updates a harder ‘No’.

Do you have problems validating your own feelings / being assertive etc - can
you trust your gut rather than questioning it?

You've very kindly taken your baby to see your partner's mum but she is now over-stepping by expecting you to leave your baby with her. She is lucky that she has been able to see her grandchild despite being a shitty mum to your partner. It does speak volumes that he still doesn't want to visit his mum. You need to say a firm 'no' to her request.

"No sorry, he's not old enough."

You are hard-wired to be with him. Any time she has with the baby, she needs to accept that you're going to be there too.

I know it's really hard to say no to MILs. But you, as the parent, have to stand up for what you want and feel to be right when it comes to the baby.

Just say no. You’re not comfortable with this idea. That’s the only thing that matters here

No to time without you until you suggest it, which sounds unlikely. What’s she like with you and your baby when you see her? Is she respectful and interested in you as a person or just the baby incubator? If your partner isn’t interested in a relationship with her I’d trust his view of her which is based on a lot more info than you’ll ever have.

Massive red flag your partner doesn’t have a close relationship with her. If she failed as a parent she’ll fail as a grandma too.

You can’t just leave babies with someone because they share dna.

This.