AIBU to expect help from DH following cardiac event?

[amibeingunreasonableanon]

Hi all,

Bit of background. DH is the househusband for our 2yo DS. I earn significantly more than he would and we don’t want to put DS in nursery so it made sense. My DS from a previous relationship has autism and struggles socially so I homeschool.

DH however barely cleans up, unless it is putting the odd dishwasher load or running hoover round. He says it is due to having to look after DS (even though I manage to keep things going even when I have him). He doesn’t do washing, takes months to put away clothes, leaves his bags, dirty clothes and shoes laying round etc which let’s be honest, is typical of a man. He also does not contribute financially despite getting an income through his private rental and spends all his money on himself. I buy EVERYTHING, from nappies, to food, to days out etc. He usually goes out 2/3 nights a week for hobbies whereas I probably go out once every 6 weeks for a coffee with friends.

I work from home and also homeschool my older DS during my working hours too as DH says he can’t do it which I understand and was my choice.

I have my grumblings, but I take this on the chin as it was a joint decision to keep DS2 off nursery and we knew there would be slight uneven scales.

Recently however, I have had a cardiac event during the week which they believe is due to an underlying heart issue and have been put on beta blockers/statins whilst undergoing further investigations. I am still waking up with DS throughout the night, doing 90% of the household chores, homeschooling and working. He has to rock our DS to sleep (another issue, it takes about 30 mins each time!) for both their nap and bedtime. DH has done the last 3 days and just said it’s not fair he has to do it again tonight, to which I stated I have done everything else and he said “well I cut the grass today too and maybe you should rest instead of doing housework” to which I gently replied “I have to or no one would”. He’s then said “well you will have to rock him both days tomorrow as my arms hurt and I have tennis Sunday and I won’t be able to play properly otherwise”.

I understand it is hard work, and he has had to do it more than me over the last few weeks as I also had a MC so was in pain, but usually we split it. He is also out all day Sunday so I will have to do it then too.

AIBU to expect a bit of help during this time? Or does my DH sound unreasonable?

I’d leave him. A man who doesn’t put his money in the pot and leaves me to do all the childcare while he plays tennis after I’ve had a cardiac event because I’m the breadwinner, teacher for one child and do all of the housework? Nah. He’s taking you for a mug even before the heart.

Why you with him? What do you gain from being with him?

How old is eldest? How do you manage to wfh and homeschool?

First response nails it. What does he add to your life? He doesn’t sound like a particularly good dad or husband. Being a good parent includes making sure the child lives in a clean environment

He is not contributing anywhere near an even share of anything towards the family. He should be doing more all the time, never mind just while you’re unwell. This is the sort of thing that will breed resentment until you divorce and he wonders why it went wrong because he’s clueless.

For the love of God please explain to me what on earth you see in this man

He is useless op, he doesn't even pay towards the house expenses or do standard house work at a basic level, what on earth are you doing having a man like that around?

It strikes me as odd that he says he can’t rock DS as he needs to play tennis, rather than the other way around. That says a lot to me.

Our culture really does emphasise that men’s lives shouldn’t be impacted by having children, and it sounds like he’s taken that message to heart.

Yeah, he's taking you for a mug @amibeingunreasonableanon

What @ButterYellowHair said.

Seriously, you need to get a back bone!

This. If my dh is at home, and whenever he was at home with a sick child, I’d come home to a spotless house and dinner ready.

I’m sorry you had a MC but why on earth were you going to have another baby ??

Thank you all for your replies.

I understand the comments, and to be honest, I think more as time goes on the more I realise this is to be the case. It has got progressively worse since homeschooling DS1 but he gets so badly bullied at all 3 schools we have sent him too, he’s my priority. He is much happier and learning much better at home. I have 2 hour break during day to teach and then he has workbooks etc, I also pay for a tutor once a week.

I would ideally prefer to keep family together as I don’t want two failed relationships, and I want DS2 with his dad around. dS1 and DH do not see eye to eye a lot of the time which is another issue.

He does make dinners on occasion if easy or pasta bake as he isn’t great at most else, but there is definitely a notable difference in our lives. Mine is 95% housework or children, his isn’t. The finances aren’t too much of an issue as I can cover it but he often eats into my money too as he borrows so much off me during the month for hobbies.

I feel like I may need to do some serious thinking as perhaps you are right, I am being too soft! I’ve tried speaking about things before and he just gets defensive or says he will change and be better which lasts about a week. I do have abandonmebt issues though so the thought of us breaking up genuinely panics me, he also had a bit of a reputation prior to us so the idea of him being like that again and being with someone new round my DS2 is probably the biggest factor why I stay. Which is awful to admit.

Baby #3 was not planned, was on contraception and it failed following a bout of sickness/antibiotics but wasn’t meant to be x

Your reasons for staying are shit. Read them back to yourself.

First of all, neither of you should be rocking a 2 year old to sleep! He's not a baby and you need to break this habit.

Secondly, your DH isn't a house-husband, he's just a lazy fucker who doesn't work. When I was a SAHM, I did all the housework, shopping, cooking, laundry and childcare while DH was at work. Why on earth have you put up with this for so long?? And also, what you describe is NOT typical of a man - most of the men I know are capable of doing laundry and picking up after themselves. A grown man should not need tidying up after.

Thirdly, how on earth are you managing to work full time and home-school? Kindly, I really think you've taken on too much. Now you're having health issues, somethings got to give. You need to make your DH shape up or ship out - you need a partner, not a big man-baby to look after!

Your dc needs to get to nursery. Ltb and him being ds's primary carer could see him claiming cms from you and him taking the dc with him...

If you want to stay then that’s your choice. But don’t expect him to suddenly realise that he can cook if he just… follows a recipe. Can clean if he wanted to. Can do more laundry if he thought it was his job.

He’s using you as a cash cow to fund his life without actually taking any care in his role as a househusband. Like I said… he knows what he’s doing and he’s taking you for a mug on purpose.

This! Ltb for sure BUT
In a potential separation situation him being a ‘house husband’ would be a disaster for you.

That is some loser you have there.

Please wake up. This is the very last thing you should be modelling to your children. Both of you are equally setting a bad example. And the very last thing you should be doing is having another baby.

Forget divorce, he would have been buried under the patio a long time ago if I had to deal with him. What a lazy, useless sack of shite he is. No child deserves to grow up watching their mother run herself into the ground for such a waste of skin man.

Im fully aware they may be “shit” but I’m being honest.

My DS will not sleep otherwise and we have tried everything, including nearly £3000 on numerous sleep coaches. Trust me, I absolutely wish we could get him out of it lol!

I am working around my work hours with home schooling. I do agree though, perhaps I have taken on too much. Serious conversation will need to he had.

Also I will not put DS2 into nursery at least until they can talk. My DS1 faced abuse at hands of caregiver at their last nursery (was on video tape) so unfortunately I cannot bring myself to do it. I’d rather quit work and rinse my savings if I need to.

He won’t get custody, I am in UK so usually always falls to mother. He also wouldn’t be able to cope and he is aware of that. I don’t think that would ever be a concern but appreciate your advice thank you.

As stated, the baby wasn’t planned. Still quite a raw upsetting situation so would prefer not to talk about it please x

Get better contraception and seriously how do you find him attractive?

You need your "DH" as much as you need pimples.
Get rid.

How low must you be to make a comment regarding someone who has had a MC despite the fact they were on contraception, it just failed. you must be a very unhappy person.

Never mind anything else, the decision to prioritise tennis over your ill wife and two children with a high level of need is an absolute joke. My response to that would have been 'Are you fucking kidding me?'