AIBU to expect help from DH following cardiac event?

[amibeingunreasonableanon]

Hi all,

Bit of background. DH is the househusband for our 2yo DS. I earn significantly more than he would and we don’t want to put DS in nursery so it made sense. My DS from a previous relationship has autism and struggles socially so I homeschool.

DH however barely cleans up, unless it is putting the odd dishwasher load or running hoover round. He says it is due to having to look after DS (even though I manage to keep things going even when I have him). He doesn’t do washing, takes months to put away clothes, leaves his bags, dirty clothes and shoes laying round etc which let’s be honest, is typical of a man. He also does not contribute financially despite getting an income through his private rental and spends all his money on himself. I buy EVERYTHING, from nappies, to food, to days out etc. He usually goes out 2/3 nights a week for hobbies whereas I probably go out once every 6 weeks for a coffee with friends.

I work from home and also homeschool my older DS during my working hours too as DH says he can’t do it which I understand and was my choice.

I have my grumblings, but I take this on the chin as it was a joint decision to keep DS2 off nursery and we knew there would be slight uneven scales.

Recently however, I have had a cardiac event during the week which they believe is due to an underlying heart issue and have been put on beta blockers/statins whilst undergoing further investigations. I am still waking up with DS throughout the night, doing 90% of the household chores, homeschooling and working. He has to rock our DS to sleep (another issue, it takes about 30 mins each time!) for both their nap and bedtime. DH has done the last 3 days and just said it’s not fair he has to do it again tonight, to which I stated I have done everything else and he said “well I cut the grass today too and maybe you should rest instead of doing housework” to which I gently replied “I have to or no one would”. He’s then said “well you will have to rock him both days tomorrow as my arms hurt and I have tennis Sunday and I won’t be able to play properly otherwise”.

I understand it is hard work, and he has had to do it more than me over the last few weeks as I also had a MC so was in pain, but usually we split it. He is also out all day Sunday so I will have to do it then too.

AIBU to expect a bit of help during this time? Or does my DH sound unreasonable?

Wow! Like, what the fuck do you mean you basically had a heart attack, but he’s berating you because he needs his househusband arms to be rested so he can bring his A game to his undoubtedly very unimportant tennis game?!?

This is an excellent example of sunken costs OP. Time to sack him off, and if you’re embarrassed to have another failed relationship as you put it, I’d be perfectly open with everyone that he surprised you by being a total dead weight. Which is true. It seems obvious to me all of your lives would be exponentially better after excising this useless, lazy, using article.

Sure, it’ll be hard, and tiring, but he won’t change, he doesn’t have the depth. He’ll say he will as soon as you get serious about punting him, but it’s just a delaying tactic, and him panicking because he’s fucked without you.

Choose a more satisfying hard, because life is so short - you literally just had a sharp reminder of that. (Hope you’re ok btw! 🙏)

I think you're allowed a year of parental leave (unpaid). I'd wait a few months, then arrange this, and then put your child in nursery when the year is up. Please don't quit your well paying successful flexible job as will be much harder for you in the long term

I hope by writing all of this out that you realise your DH is borderline abusive. He does nothing, except care for a two year old. Most stay at home MOTHERS do this, plus housework, and taking on most of the mental load of the family.

Your DH is selfish lazy prick.

I’d run the numbers on this one first op.

financially if you and your dh split, then if you are not married you could wind up in a very difficult situation.

benefits expect you to start looking for work when the youngest is 3 and won’t accept homeschooling as a reason not to take a job.

there are some contributory benefits where this isn’t the case.

he doesn’t sound like a nice person at all but check the numbers before you make any choices.

and don’t rely on what he has said in the past as a guidance to his behaviour during separation/divorce.

Put your son in school. Hire a nanny for your toddler and put your useless husband on child support.

Also, who is being rocked? Your eldest DS or your youngest? Because you need to stop both.

Wow! This all sounds so tough OP!

@SpidersAreShitheads gave the best advice I think!

I also recommend reaching out to some support groups/professional support if you can! E.g. parenting advice groups, autism support groups, relationship counselling, NHS talking therapies. This is not to say there's anything you're doing wrong - sounds like you are doing incredibly well in a very difficult situation - but support from a professional or experienced person could really help!