AIBU to expect help from DH following cardiac event?

[amibeingunreasonableanon]

Hi all,

Bit of background. DH is the househusband for our 2yo DS. I earn significantly more than he would and we don’t want to put DS in nursery so it made sense. My DS from a previous relationship has autism and struggles socially so I homeschool.

DH however barely cleans up, unless it is putting the odd dishwasher load or running hoover round. He says it is due to having to look after DS (even though I manage to keep things going even when I have him). He doesn’t do washing, takes months to put away clothes, leaves his bags, dirty clothes and shoes laying round etc which let’s be honest, is typical of a man. He also does not contribute financially despite getting an income through his private rental and spends all his money on himself. I buy EVERYTHING, from nappies, to food, to days out etc. He usually goes out 2/3 nights a week for hobbies whereas I probably go out once every 6 weeks for a coffee with friends.

I work from home and also homeschool my older DS during my working hours too as DH says he can’t do it which I understand and was my choice.

I have my grumblings, but I take this on the chin as it was a joint decision to keep DS2 off nursery and we knew there would be slight uneven scales.

Recently however, I have had a cardiac event during the week which they believe is due to an underlying heart issue and have been put on beta blockers/statins whilst undergoing further investigations. I am still waking up with DS throughout the night, doing 90% of the household chores, homeschooling and working. He has to rock our DS to sleep (another issue, it takes about 30 mins each time!) for both their nap and bedtime. DH has done the last 3 days and just said it’s not fair he has to do it again tonight, to which I stated I have done everything else and he said “well I cut the grass today too and maybe you should rest instead of doing housework” to which I gently replied “I have to or no one would”. He’s then said “well you will have to rock him both days tomorrow as my arms hurt and I have tennis Sunday and I won’t be able to play properly otherwise”.

I understand it is hard work, and he has had to do it more than me over the last few weeks as I also had a MC so was in pain, but usually we split it. He is also out all day Sunday so I will have to do it then too.

AIBU to expect a bit of help during this time? Or does my DH sound unreasonable?

No. Not at all. Do you feel better now?

Op is with a selfish arsehole loser. I don't want her to make her life more difficult as this selfish arsehole’s life wont change at all. You do you though.

I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. It sounds really hard even without the additional pressure of work and homeschooling and general childcare. Your DH should absolutely be doing a lot more, but even more so now that you’re not well.

The division of labour isn’t fair and it’s also not fair that your money is spent on the household but his money is his to keep. I wouldn’t give him anymore money for his stupid hobby and he needs to start contributing properly. I would be thinking of a plan to leave him - the reasons you said you would stay are not worthy reasons to remain unhappy.

This is one of the biggest “you’re being an absolute mug” responses I’ve made. What on earth does he contribute to the family, barely anything.

This!!

Wow he’s really selfish, he doesn’t give a shit about you. The question is why you chose to live with someone who treats you so disrespectfully and with such lack of care. Abandomemnt issues doesn’t cover it.

This man is actually dangerous, he seems to have no care for you or your health.

I’m sorry but the biggest red flag here is him not getting on with your DS1. I couldn’t have someone in my house that didn’t get on with any of my children. They come first.

When you say DS1 and DH don't see eye to eye, could your poor DS1 be unhappy at home because of this man? Does his only safe space feel less so because of him?

I would ideally prefer to keep family together as I don’t want two failed relationships

This is the worst reason to stay together. It's based solely on a negative and it totally misses that the relationship has failed already.

He does not love you, he cares more about fucking tennis than your literal heart and health. The relationship is dead anyway even if you sit it on your lap and move its jaw. Is this going to help you recover your health and constitution?

Also… short term until you hopefully leave this piece of shit…. use any money you usually give for “hobbies” for a cleaner and tell him that’s why you can’t afford to give him money any more. Direct consequence.

Use money for counselling. 2 failed relationships is better than this “man” teaching your children to be pieces of crap and treat their mum like shit, like him.

This was my first thought…

You sound lovely and caring. I'm so so sorry your eldest child suffered abuse from a caregiver at nursery. How heartbreaking. It sounds like you are handling so much and really taking the best steps for your children. Leaving this useless parasite isn't a failed relationship. It's you caring about yourself. No wonder you are having health issues with the amount of responsibility you have, with no help. Honestly, you'd be better off without him.

I'm guessing he'll make every excuse under the sun to not go back to work when DS starts school?

Lots of parents work & home educate, so I see no issue with that, but obviously the fact your DH is doing nothing is what's putting massive strain on you. You're doing your best, working yourself into the ground to keep your babies safe, and your DH just takes advantage of it. Arms too tired to get his child to sleep as he needs to be on form for tennis? Oh do fuck off dear!

You've had a MC and some sort of upsetting event to have ds2..... Why are you still having sex with this waste of space?

Your husband is a cunt frankly! A selfish narcissistic cunt!!

.. and there are hints he is unpleasant to DS1

Sounds awful OP ...he sounds vile ..look what he is teaching your children

You can have as many talks with your husband as you want, but this sense of entitlement is deeply entrenched. So deeply that it is actually a fundamental part of his character now.
He may say he wouldn't cope with the children 50/50 or as a resident parent now, but the moment he gets wind that you won't be looking after him anymore, he will put up a fight for the children, even if only to make you pay.
You would make far more progress OP by getting some really good therapy and ending your relationship with this man.
You will regret sticking it out with him.

I have recently been diagnosed with a heart condition, I am at a very different stage of life as retired but my DH couldn’t do enough for me.

You have an awful man there.

This is purely about your heart but if you have questions especially after an appointment as it is all a bit overwhelming then ring the British heart foundation helpline, they have it staffed by cardiac nurses. As you have been put on a statin as much as they can sort people out the two best things for your diet are Olive oil only and eat porridge. Excess Cholesterol can stick to oats as they are being digested and out they go naturally. I have reduced my cholesterol by a point in 8 weeks, also gave up cheese and red meat, it’s just once every 2 to 3 weeks in small amounts.

Even without the cardiac issue, I’d bin him. You’re being taken for a mug and he is happy to see you suffer physically. Get rid.

”He won’t get custody, I am in UK so usually always falls to mother. He also wouldn’t be able to cope and he is aware of that. I don’t think that would ever be a concern but appreciate your advice thank you.”

Just a word of warning OP: while you’re correct that mums usually get custody, that’s not the case if the father can demonstrate he’s the primary carer. With him at home with your DS, you’re on shaky ground here as he is technically the primary carer. I really don’t think you can rely on getting custody if you split.

Also, I understand your reluctance to split but why are your DS1 and DH “not seeing eye-to-eye”? I’d be extremely concerned about the environment your DS1 is having to endure. I know this is hard to hear but from what you e said it would be better for both you and DS1 - and probably DS2 - if you were to split. But you need to get DS1 in nursery first.

For you my main concern would be you end up paying him maintenance (obviously you need to LTB).

I’d suggest getting DS2 into nursery asap and ensuring you do 50% of drop offs & pick ups. Endure this for a while so it’s considered normal once you file for divorce. Even if he went 3 days per week and you do all drop offs and pick ups I think that would cover it. Ask a solicitor.

Hope you have friends and family around you who can give you some tlc x

Added to say @amibeingunreasonableanon read all your posts now.

50:50 is standard. Been through it, I know. You’ll pay thousands to find this out yourself. And if he’s primary care giver he’ll almost certainly be awarded at least that and you’ll be paying him maintenance.

Consider a childminder or nanny for your Ds if nursery is a no go. A nanny could support your older son too.

Find our what exactly primary care giver means and ensure you’re picking up at least that - dropping to & collecting from childminder or meeting & dismissing and communicating with nanny.

If you can hack it for the short term could sell it to your husband as giving him some time to rest / reset as things aren’t right.

Would you consider sending him back to work and hiring a nanny and cleaner? You shouldn’t have to but if you won’t leave and won’t send your son to nursery I’m trying to think what else you can do to change your current situation. I also think that having a non parent putting him down for naps might break the rocking to sleep cycle which could then help at night.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot overnight and I have decided I will be asking him to leave today. This does mean I will have to leave a very successful career to take care of the children as I can’t have DS2 there whilst working (DS1 is fine as older).

I may end up on benefits for a few years but I’ve also paid tax for a very long time so I’m sure until DS2 starts school it wouldn’t be completely frowned upon. Hopefully? I know others will say find a nanny etc but until little one can speak, I refuse to trust anyone bar family. When he speaks properly it may be different but my child’s safety is paramount and whilst I acknowledge the risk is low, any risk is not worth it. I also love being around my children and maybe it is time for him to go to work and pay me money to help his child, for once!

My DH would not want 50/50 custody, he’s already stated before if we split he would have DS2 every other weekend as he would have to go back to work and he “would deserve a life too” so it’s really not a concern for me.

Thank you all for your advice and helping me see that I am being taken advantage of. I just hope it goes down well! 💪 💐

I think you should do some research first OP.

While I completely agree that your H is a shit, these are big decisions that you shouldn’t jump into.

Your H may have said he doesn’t want 50/50 or even main custody, but that may change if he can’t find a job. It’s hard out there at the moment. If he can’t find work he may claim 50/50 and then you’ll be getting no maintenance. Even if he doesn’t claim 50/50, if he doesn’t have a job you’ll get a pittance.

Same goes for you - you’re in a well-paid job at the moment but you might not find it so easy to get back if you take a long break. People always think that they’ll have no problem but it’s rarely the case and it can come as a shock. That has ramifications for your finances while you raise your DC but also for your long-term security.

Life on benefits isn’t much fun. They’re not interested in you finding a job that works around home educating as they consider that a life choice. Once your youngest is at school you’ll have to justify not being in work and will be under pressure to take any job. From experience, they’re uninterested in any concerns you may have regarding childcare for SEN. And given the current climate where everyone is pressuring the government to slash benefits - it’s a precarious position to be in.

I have autistic DC who I home-educate now - and my DS was non-verbal for a very long time too - so believe me when I say I understand your concerns.

You work from home so having a nanny in the house presents virtually zero risk. Your elder DS will be floating around too. You could even install cameras for extra assurance (and make it clear that they’re there).

I think you should take some time to talk through your options. Absolutely you should get rid of him, but things can and do get nasty in ways that you don’t expect.