AIBU to be baffled a mum had no idea the school fayre was happening?

[xAwaywiththefairiesx]

Today my daughter's primary school had a spring fayre after school on the school field. Ice cream van, face-painting, various stalls with games, the usual. All arranged by the PTA to raise money for the school.
There was a mufti day today, and the children were asked to bring a donation to the school as an exchange for the mufti, something like cakes to sell or a teddy for the tombola or a bottle of wine as a prize or something.
One mum wanders onto the field after school, with both of her kids in mufti, looking around bewildered saying "What's this? Is this a new thing they're doing? Will it be every week?"

And this is so weird to me because the spring fayre has been organised for months. We have lots of emails asking for donations, several more asking for volunteers, we've had at least three leaflets home about it, and she obviously got the memo about mufti, the whole point in which was for the school fayre!

My phone own child has been banging on about it for three weeks.

How can she get so unaware? I'm not judging, honestly, I'm just baffled how it got past her.

Is it just me? Could you miss something like this after all that communication?

That’s all very well. But when my son was at primary school we were basically told in an assembly that “school can fund £80 of the £180 residential trip but in order to make this happen we will be holding a series of events and dress up days”! So yes the parents contributed more to these events than they would have had to do if they had paid the full price of the trip.

Yes, I know, you said.

But that's your school. That's not all PTAs. I agree, that's ridiculous and you should feed that back to them.

But did you then pay out £100 at these events etc? We sell raffle tickets to lots of ‘non-school’ people and fairs are open to the public so it isn’t just parents paying for everything.

My point is you are angry at someone who didn’t know about an event at school. How the hell are they supposed to remember everything when schools are putting on events and dress up days every bloody week. We are all human and things do slip through the net when we get umpteen notifications from school every single day about this and that. It’s relentless!

I have also acknowledged the fact that some parents do seem to be on another planet and don’t seem to know what day their kids break up, what class their kids are in, when it’s inset day or anything. And these are the same couple of parents who are like this for absolutely everything. However, starting a thread without knowing what that person’s circumstances are and whether or not one out of the 100s of monthly messages from school may have just slipped through the net is rather cruel and nasty!

And regardless of who else helps fund the school, parents are having to fork out an awful lot at these events that they simply do not have money for or feel their money would be better spent elsewhere

Like I said £20 per costume for a dress up day all so the school can raise £1 per child for in contributions to fund a school trip! You re only seeing the £1 donation we make so that our child comes dressed up in these outfits. You’re not seeing the extra cost to the parents in having to buy these ridiculous outfits. And when it’s 3 or 4 dress up days all so the school can raise £1 per child is absolutely ridiculous! Like I said, parents might as well have paid the full price of the trips themselves

I am not angry at her. Not remotely. I was surprised/baffled/slightly amused.

Just because the information about mufti and the information about the fayre was given at the same time, on the same leaflet.

I appreciate people have busy lives. So do I.

The reality is, these events do raise money for the school that is needed. Our PTA tries it's level best not to pressure parents. We don't do dress up days. We don't force people to come to events. We are parents with limited time and budgets ourselves. We get it. But we're doing our best to do a good thing.

I would definitely feed back your frustrations though as they are valid and your school/PTA should listen. Ours would.

No you might not pressure parents but it is unfortunately secret guilt tripping all while claiming “we don’t put pressure on parents” because these events put parents under pressure to get involved somehow so their kid doesn’t feel left out or isn’t the only kid who’s parent doesn’t turn up to the spring fair or whatever.
The PTA’s might not be responsible for organising all events that happen at schools but the ones they do organise just add to the list of other relentless events that parents are getting absolutely sick and tired of. Even if it hasn’t all been organised by the PTA, the ones you have organised just contribute to the stress and draining of parent funds!!

I too have never heard of mufti day in my life! I work in a school and this doesn’t surprise me at all obviously the kids have told her it’s non uniform day but can I ask and I hope this doesn’t offend anyone are the family British as maybe she doesn’t know what a school fayre is? We have multiple parents every day that forget to send their kids in with lunch or order one( and I’m not talking parents on benefits),no water bottle ever,no coat in December despite kids being outside for at least one hour a day.They forget that their kids have gone on a trip until 9pm and come to collect them at 3! But life happens and you don’t know what’s going on in someone else’s head.Also not everyone prioritises stuff like this,she probably just skimmed over the emails and maybe the paper stuff went in the bin.I know,it’s exasperating and I deal with it every.single.day

As I said previously, this is completely the wrong approach from your PTA and there should be no obligation to buy new costumes for every time. DIY, reuse, find a simple option or just send them in non-uniform instead. You chose to spend £20 per outfit, this is not necessary.

We don’t have the time to ‘make’ costumes either. We would rather not have any of this fucking pressure at all. I bet it was great for my parents back in the 80s and 90s when they never used to have to do all this shit apart from maybe only once a year where school did have a dress up day… but it wasn’t every bloody week! Like I said, it’s about the pressure, if you send your child in their uniform they will get sneered at by other kids and feel left out

But they don't "just contribute to stress"

They raise a fuckton for the school!!

I'm not just talking a few quid by selling some cakes. These events raise thousands. And that directly benefits the school your children attend

We don't mean to stress out the parents. We are also all parents. We do our best to not put pressure on.

But the school needs the money. The headteacher has said she doesn't know where the school would be without it.

So what do you suggest happens?!

Do you think it may be the attitude of the PTA members that could be the issue?

There’s always one poor child in uniform on mufti day! Our school has a stash of normal clothes/costumes children can have if they want so they don’t feel left out.

In what way?

please don’t tell me how I feel and that they don’t contribute to stress!

Yes they might raise a ‘fuckton’ for the school but you are placing the pressure and expectation on the parents to have to juggle their work to attend these events and spend money on tat, raffles and other shite that we would probably choose not to buy. If we don’t turn up we are scared our child will be the only one without a parent there. I’ve been guilt tripped by both my kids for having to work when such events have been on because my child was left out. It does put pressure and stress on parents and your lack of awareness on this matter is quite astounding! Like I said, one or two events fine. But a different event every bloody week (I acknowledge not all are organised by the PTA) is quite simply draining!

I'm not telling you how you feel.

You said they "just" contribute to stress.

I was saying they don't "just" contribute to stress.

I agree. Whilst parents don’t mind contributing sometimes, the constant events are a drain on parent’s funds. I’m pretty sure my parents weren’t expected to keep the school afloat with funds. So something has gone awfully wrong somewhere and whilst I get the school’s point, this financial burden shouldn’t be placed on parents.

Yes they do. If they “just” didn’t have all these events, we wouldn’t be so bloody stressed!!

Did I say making costumes was the only option? If you are buying all these costumes so often, then you should have a great stash to reuse, or wear other ‘ordinary’ clothing. Swap costumes with other families, get them second hand from a charity shop, Vinted etc.
And as I have said a few times now, this is a bad way for the PTA to raise funds anyway.

And why should parents have to go to all this effort! We are sick and tired of these events full stop! Why should we have to find other parents to swap with or buy second hand! It all takes time and causes pressure. Just don’t hold so many fucking dress up days full stop. It’s bloody relentless!

I bet you had a lot of joy sending that email 😁

A lot of dads probably have no idea and no one raises an eyebrow!

I’m more baffled by those who don’t know it’s called a mufti day!

They don't "just" contribute to stress though. They also raise much needed funds. That's their whole purpose.

I acknowledge they stress you out. It was the "just" I am disputing. Like they have no other function.

We don't sit around at our meetings and say "right nasty PTA ladies, that's another event down, let's start planning our next event to stress out parents!"

No, it's more like "What's the best way to raise the maximum amount of money for the school, causing the least stress possible and hopefully having some fun".

The resentment dressed up as faux bafflement that you work so hard but that you aren’t getting the credit you deserve, for a start

I do think we should be participating in our children’s education though. We should expect to just drop them at school and that be it.