AIBU to just block... or mention the unpaid debt first?

[neoneo]

I'll try to keep this concise but there's some context needed.

I have a distant relative on my father's side. We're not close, but her grandmother is the sweetest lady, so I try and keep on good terms with her extended family.

The relative and I connected on WhatsApp in the way you are with distant family... existing in the background, occasional happy birthdays... that sort of thing. Also, the relative is younger (more tech savvy whereas the grandmother is in her late 80s!)

Last year we visited her/her family. We gave her a small gift of around £50 during the visit, as you do. Looking back, I wonder if that visit was more of an assessment than a reunion.

Shortly after this - the messages started. Rapid fire.

'I need your help.' 'Some money.' 'You help me?' 'Pls reply.' 'Emergency problem.'

No amount. No reason. Just pressure.

I sent approximately £900. She promised faithfully to repay it last October. I gave her the money in July. October came and went. Nothing. No mention of it at all. (In truth, I'd written it off in my head at the time of sending it - so I wasn't waiting on it - and just moved on with my life).

Yesterday she was back. Same opening.

'Hii!' 'I need your help.' 'Some money.' "Pls last time help me 🙏🙏."

Again no amount, no explanation, no acknowledgement of the money she never repaid.

My uncle (who lives near me in London) - a pensioner in his late 60s has been going through exactly the same thing. She'd sent him a barrage of messages asking for large sums of money, then panicked and deleted them all thinking he hadn't seen them (he had - just on his home screen). She then pivoted to asking if there was 'a job in London for my husband.'

My uncle replied politely that the UK job market was difficult. That one reply was enough though... she immediately went back to asking for money. She also asked him not to tell other family members she'd asked.

My uncle and I have been comparing notes. It's been quite revealing.

A few details that stick with me:

• They recently sold their home
• Her WhatsApp photo shows her husband with a brand new car and both of them with Apple Watches
• When my uncle firmly said no, she said 'Ok, I'll ask someone else' within minutes. Not the response of someone in genuine crisis.

I've ignored her messages so far.

But I'm torn between:

Option A: Just blocking her silently. Clean, drama-free, no response ever.

Option B: (His advice). Sending one honest message first - something like: 'I gave you £900 less than a year ago which you promised to return in October and never did. I won't be helping again.'

I don't want to be cruel. But I also don't want to be taken advantage of. Her grandmother is the sweetest lady though - and this relative does help the grandmother from time to time - who I really love.

@WallaceinAnderland Without going into too much detail (which I made sure of in my OP) - it was always proposed (and accepted, mind you) as a loan. No ambiguity.

If she mentions to her relative in a message how she still owes her £900 that was agreed to be repaid in October and her relative replies acknowledging the debt, that’s proof enough that there was an agreement in place.
Plus all the other messages from the time the money was sent when she agreed to pay it back in October. If there was a text exchange, she can take legal action.

It's really not that clear cut and I would hate OP to throw away more good money trying to pursue it through the courts unless she has something really clear that sets out the terms of the loan instead of that nonsense above.

If it's a loan that has to be made clear at the time of loaning the money. Claiming it retrospectively does not mean that it was always a loan. Even if the other person later agrees it was, their legal adviser can easily throw doubt on that. Is there a language barrier, were there cultural expectations, did she feel pressure to pay back money she thought was a gift, etc.

@WallaceinAnderland "If it's a loan that has to be made clear at the time of loaning the money."

Again... it was. It was HER (at the time) that chose/named October as the repayment date, which I was fine with.

It wasn't like I then said: "No worries! Don't be silly, it's a gift!"

This doesn't make sense. First of all you tell us that the requests were 'I need your help.' 'Some money.' 'You help me?' 'Pls reply.' 'Emergency problem' with no amount stated.

And now you are saying you have clear proof with no ambiguity.

Which is it? Did you agree the amount and that it was a loan before giving the money as you now claim? If so, why did you leave that important point out of your OP and lead posters to believe otherwise?

I can’t believe you gave her £900!

I would say no to the loan, send her a screenshot of where she said she’d pay the previous loan back in October and say when that’s paid back, maybe we can talk more.

OP has said it was always understood to be a loan, and if the relative had agreed to pay it back by October at the time it was sent to her, then that obviously makes it a loan. There is no agreed date to pay back a gift.

If there was a way I could pursue it, it would be worth a small amount in court fees to me to try, and if all else fails, I’d at at least make her believe that if she doesn’t repay me, that’s what I’ll be doing. People like her take the piss with impunity.

Yes, all those points are completely correct. When we enquired as to what was going on/what the emergency (her phrasing) was - she divulged further. Hence the £900 figure. It wasn't like we just sent a random amount. She then AGREED that it was a loan - and of her own volition, said it would be paid back by October (the house was to be sold by then). We found out through relatives - that the house was indeed sold by October. The money was for the lawyers regarding the sale of the house, FYI.

Is there a reason why you are being so aggressive?

Agreed. In truth, it's not so much about the loan being paid back/suing etc... it's more about the NEW request. It's one thing to not pursue an old debt - but the person shouldn't endlessly feel free to ask for yet MORE money.

The options are to either reference the debt - and say because it was never paid - or to block altogether. (This person is closer to other members of my family (a different generation too). Her grandmother used to look after my father and uncle when they were young children, hence the soft spot I have for her grandmother.

Kindly jog on. Everyone else seems to get it just fine. At no point did I say I was 'scammed' etc... nor did I mention phoning up lawyers/suing etc...!

You keep saying the grandmother is sweet. What's the relevance? Do you not want her to be hurt by her grandchild?

Option B, but maybe take out

. I won't be helping again

to keep options open, and any possibility of being paid back.

I understand, but I’d still pursue the other debt. It’s £900! Not an insignificant amount, and the fact she’s got the audacity to ask you again after not paying you back the first loan proves she’s just taking the piss out of you and thinks you’re a pushover.

Tell her you won’t be lending her anymore money because she still owes you £900 which she hasn’t repaid and it’s overdue from October. You expect it back by X date before legal action to recoup it. Let her know you’ve warned other family members not to loan to her either because she doesn’t pay back.

Cheeky cow.

UPDATE: I just told her I wouldn’t be sending any money. I mentioned that they had failed to repay the debt from last year. In fairness, she replied immediately and she acknowledged this and said if I gave her more money, she would eventually pay back both amounts. I said no and that she would have to pay back what was outstanding. She said: ‘Ok’. Doubt we will hear from her again.

Ha! Posted at the same time! See update.

Option D

ignore the new request. Instead say “hey X, hope you’re well. I understand the house has now sold, great news. So please send me back the money you borrowed for the lawyers fees. Many thanks.”

50% chance she just blocks you.

This. She doesn't sound right in the head!

See update. I believe we posted a minute apart.

The way you wrote your original post was misleading. Other posters on this thread have thought the same.

Then let the family know that she asked and took money off you. Asked the same of your uncle and you just want everyone to be aware that they may be getting scammed by a relative.

The only way she’s going to stop scamming people is if someone actually insists on being repaid.

And yes do tell all of the rest of your family. She’s probably scammed all of them at some point.

How did you know it was even her and not a scam?

Wouldn't you at least speak to her to check it really is her, find out the nature of the problem and whether it actually would be sorted by sending money

Now you've clarified it makes more sense and I'm glad to hear you're not giving her any more money.

"Actually, I was going to ask you for a loan. I'm a bit short as I lent someone £900 last year and they still haven't paid me back..."

This sounds like an ultimatum OP:

said if I gave her more money, she would eventually pay back both amounts

I read that to mean only if you give her more money will she pay you back both amounts, so if you don’t loan her more, she won’t pay what she owes.

She sounds very manipulative and she does sound like one of those Nigerian online scammers with her tactics 😂

I'd take great joy in asking for the money back.
Can you have it autorespond for you?

Again, it was not me using terms like 'lawyers' and 'scamming'. I don't need to write about everyone's life story in the OP. I also clarified that I wanted to keep my OP short, but provide some context too.

My issue was always the request for yet MORE money (despite her original debt not being paid). I wrote what was relevant to the NEW ASK. I said there were two options I had. None involved lawyering up or pretending I had been scammed.

I also said from the outset it wasn't someone using her phone/cloning her number. Nor was it a deepfake etc...

You sound like a dog with a bone... and even more so after I provided the update...?! Bizarre. I know there are some liars on here and nutters - but sadly, every part of the story is true.

Same takeaway!😂