AIBU to just block... or mention the unpaid debt first?

[neoneo]

I'll try to keep this concise but there's some context needed.

I have a distant relative on my father's side. We're not close, but her grandmother is the sweetest lady, so I try and keep on good terms with her extended family.

The relative and I connected on WhatsApp in the way you are with distant family... existing in the background, occasional happy birthdays... that sort of thing. Also, the relative is younger (more tech savvy whereas the grandmother is in her late 80s!)

Last year we visited her/her family. We gave her a small gift of around £50 during the visit, as you do. Looking back, I wonder if that visit was more of an assessment than a reunion.

Shortly after this - the messages started. Rapid fire.

'I need your help.' 'Some money.' 'You help me?' 'Pls reply.' 'Emergency problem.'

No amount. No reason. Just pressure.

I sent approximately £900. She promised faithfully to repay it last October. I gave her the money in July. October came and went. Nothing. No mention of it at all. (In truth, I'd written it off in my head at the time of sending it - so I wasn't waiting on it - and just moved on with my life).

Yesterday she was back. Same opening.

'Hii!' 'I need your help.' 'Some money.' "Pls last time help me 🙏🙏."

Again no amount, no explanation, no acknowledgement of the money she never repaid.

My uncle (who lives near me in London) - a pensioner in his late 60s has been going through exactly the same thing. She'd sent him a barrage of messages asking for large sums of money, then panicked and deleted them all thinking he hadn't seen them (he had - just on his home screen). She then pivoted to asking if there was 'a job in London for my husband.'

My uncle replied politely that the UK job market was difficult. That one reply was enough though... she immediately went back to asking for money. She also asked him not to tell other family members she'd asked.

My uncle and I have been comparing notes. It's been quite revealing.

A few details that stick with me:

• They recently sold their home
• Her WhatsApp photo shows her husband with a brand new car and both of them with Apple Watches
• When my uncle firmly said no, she said 'Ok, I'll ask someone else' within minutes. Not the response of someone in genuine crisis.

I've ignored her messages so far.

But I'm torn between:

Option A: Just blocking her silently. Clean, drama-free, no response ever.

Option B: (His advice). Sending one honest message first - something like: 'I gave you £900 less than a year ago which you promised to return in October and never did. I won't be helping again.'

I don't want to be cruel. But I also don't want to be taken advantage of. Her grandmother is the sweetest lady though - and this relative does help the grandmother from time to time - who I really love.

I'm not convinced that OP has a case. What would she sue for, breach of contract? There was no contract.

People are allowed to give their money away. Even your bank will double check with you, do you know this person, are you sure you want to make the payment. If OP ticks yes, then she's willingly giving her money to someone else.

Is this girl & grandmother in another country?

are you absolutely sure that the grandma is not being taken for a ride too? The ‘she is more tech savvy’ approach could work on grandma, let me do your banking on the app on my phone etc..

Option C.

Frankly, she might be fleecing the whole family including grandma and your discretion may be enabling her.

I would just ignoring the same ages and start comparing notes with other relatives. No need to be bitchy, a simple question like “Niece has been asking
me for money over the year, would you know if she is ok what is going on? I gave her £900 but appears to need more. Is something serious going on?

We had someone in the family doing similar, by the time we started talking he had fleeced all the elderly already so… don’t enforce her fleecing the family with your misplaced “discretion” you are not avoiding being “cruel”, you know it is not at all about “cruelty”, you are just chickening out of a possible confrontation.

I’d tell her you gave her all your spare money you had last year and ask her when she is going to pay it back.

There is an option D - reverse it.

'Im actually in a bit of a tight spot financially too right now. Please can I have the £900 you owe me, plus a few extra £££ so I can feed my children? 😥"

Then she'll block you.

How can you ask her to repay the money and then block her? If you block her, you’ve no chance of getting any money from her at all (arguably, you have no chance as it is) but personally I can’t believe you haven’t mentioned this or chased this up before now.

I would have asked in October when it was due, and I’d consider telling her that you’ll take her to court for it. It’s the principle.

‘I will not be lending you anymore money because you still owe me £900 which should have been paid back in October. Please do not ask the family for money again until your debt is paid as none of us have the means to give you money. If the £900 is not paid back by X date, then I’ll consider legal action to recoup it from you. Thanks’

She’s a cheeky fucker and she’ll continue to take the piss if you don’t mention it.

Why wouldn't you want the £900 back?

I wouldn't be giving her another penny and I would be asking for the money back.
I would be warning all mutual family and friends too.

I'd be taking screenshots of her begging messages and the fact that you gave her money and share them with the family. Who knows who else she's trying this with. She has zero scruples and lots of neck. I'd be trying to warn others as a priority. It's not going to stop anyone liking her grandmother.

We had a similar situation at work, where we finally realised that one person was continually borrowing money and often borrowing from one person to pay back another.

She did have three children, but both she and her husband had decent jobs. I did get my money back, but each time she'd later come back and ask for more.

I finally stopped it by writing off the debt, after she'd let me down quite badly over something. (She'd promised to take me to and from hospital for a procedure but then came up with a reason why she couldn't do it.)

I heard nothing from her for at least three years and then got a message from her on social media telling me she had my money for me. The procedure previously had been that she'd pay me back and then ask for more.

This time round I told her to keep it. I've not heard from her now for years.

This seems an easy way to deal with both issues in one go.

I wouldn't be asking AND then blocking. My OP said it would be one or the other.

We did ask her in October last year for the money (despite suspecting/knowing we wouldn't get it back). We were correct. We heard nothing back.

Respond and tell her firmly that she didn’t pay back the last loan and she isn’t getting any more money from you so stop begging! Then block!

Absolutely take legal action, she’s is totally taking the piss!

She asks so many people for money she can’t remember who has refused or who she owes so she asks everyone hoping one of you will pay her. She won’t be embarrassed by you asking for your money back because she doesn’t care.

For what? OP can't take legal action when she gave her money away.

Unless OP has it clearly spelled out, in writing, that it was a loan at the time she gave it, then there's no case. OP says she gets messages 'send money' and she sends money.

That is not going to stand up in court and it would cost her way more than she's already given away to attempt it.

Sorry, but assuming you have evidence of the request for money and the fact that you sent it, I’d text her to tell her that you would like the monies already lent to be returned by X date and that failure to do so will be followed by a claim in the smalls claim court - and that you will be sharing with the wider family the fact that she has been harassing multiple family members for money (that she does not repay).

If no one stands up to her, she will continue to plague more vulnerable individuals than you and your uncle. I couldn’t live with myself if it later turns out she pressured anyone else when the power to alert everyone was mine.

She can take legal action if she has proof the money was a loan and there was an agreed date for repayment. As there were messages exchanged, OP can prove that the money was asked for and that it was agreed it would be repaid in October.

It’s worth pursuing, even if only to teach that cheeky fucker a lesson. It would cost her about around £100 to take it to small claims court.

I'd go for option B. Has she gone a bit nuts.,

Option B, without a doubt!

It's hard to prove. It will be one word against the other. I felt pressure to loan money. I felt pressure to agree to pay back money that was freely given.

Unless it was agreed before any money exchanged hands, in writing, how much was a gift and how much was a loan and what the terms of repayment were, then it's not as simple as you suggest.

OP has obviously gone about it the wrong way, expecting money to be paid back without ever getting that clarified before handing it over.

It's the post that reads like AI, not the messages.

Did you run it through ChatGPT or whatever? reads like a Reddit post! just needs a "I (45F) " or whatever

It was always clarified as a loan (and by her too), but at time went by - me and my Uncle suspected she wouldn't pay it back. She didn't.

If she mentions to her relative in a message how she still owes her £900 that was agreed to be repaid in October and her relative replies acknowledging the debt, that’s proof enough that there was an agreement in place.

Plus all the other messages from the time the money was sent when she agreed to pay it back in October. If there was a text exchange, she can take legal action.

Even if OP ultimately decides not to pursue legal action, I would at least let CF think I will!

How was it clarified? Were the terms set out?

What you have described here, would not back you up in court

'I need your help.' 'Some money.' 'You help me?' 'Pls reply.' 'Emergency problem.'
No amount. No reason. Just pressure.
I sent approximately £900.

That is not a coherent loan agreement by any stretch of the imagination.