AIBU to just block... or mention the unpaid debt first?

[neoneo]

I'll try to keep this concise but there's some context needed.

I have a distant relative on my father's side. We're not close, but her grandmother is the sweetest lady, so I try and keep on good terms with her extended family.

The relative and I connected on WhatsApp in the way you are with distant family... existing in the background, occasional happy birthdays... that sort of thing. Also, the relative is younger (more tech savvy whereas the grandmother is in her late 80s!)

Last year we visited her/her family. We gave her a small gift of around £50 during the visit, as you do. Looking back, I wonder if that visit was more of an assessment than a reunion.

Shortly after this - the messages started. Rapid fire.

'I need your help.' 'Some money.' 'You help me?' 'Pls reply.' 'Emergency problem.'

No amount. No reason. Just pressure.

I sent approximately £900. She promised faithfully to repay it last October. I gave her the money in July. October came and went. Nothing. No mention of it at all. (In truth, I'd written it off in my head at the time of sending it - so I wasn't waiting on it - and just moved on with my life).

Yesterday she was back. Same opening.

'Hii!' 'I need your help.' 'Some money.' "Pls last time help me 🙏🙏."

Again no amount, no explanation, no acknowledgement of the money she never repaid.

My uncle (who lives near me in London) - a pensioner in his late 60s has been going through exactly the same thing. She'd sent him a barrage of messages asking for large sums of money, then panicked and deleted them all thinking he hadn't seen them (he had - just on his home screen). She then pivoted to asking if there was 'a job in London for my husband.'

My uncle replied politely that the UK job market was difficult. That one reply was enough though... she immediately went back to asking for money. She also asked him not to tell other family members she'd asked.

My uncle and I have been comparing notes. It's been quite revealing.

A few details that stick with me:

• They recently sold their home
• Her WhatsApp photo shows her husband with a brand new car and both of them with Apple Watches
• When my uncle firmly said no, she said 'Ok, I'll ask someone else' within minutes. Not the response of someone in genuine crisis.

I've ignored her messages so far.

But I'm torn between:

Option A: Just blocking her silently. Clean, drama-free, no response ever.

Option B: (His advice). Sending one honest message first - something like: 'I gave you £900 less than a year ago which you promised to return in October and never did. I won't be helping again.'

I don't want to be cruel. But I also don't want to be taken advantage of. Her grandmother is the sweetest lady though - and this relative does help the grandmother from time to time - who I really love.

I would just send something along the lines of: That reminds me, you still owe me repayment of £900 for last years loan. When can I expect to receive it?

I think Coolwind's option C is a fair reply.

I would respond saying she still owes you 900 and when would she be repaying that (knowing she won't)

Then make sure the rest of your family knows what shes doing

How would the legal proceedings work if they live abroad? The lendee.

As others have suggested, sometimes relatives abroad in certain countries think that we have an endless money supply.

I helped out various relatives at various points when their country was in crisis, but even so I do feel a bit taken advantage of.

Last time I went for a visit (for a family wedding) I realised that the various branches of the family are no longer in touch with one another.

I'm okay financially, but by no means wealthy - I could have done with keeping the money that I (freely) gave to myself: my living room still has the 1970s, carpet that was here when I moved in 40+ yrs ago. Ditto the stairs and landing. I think that the upstairs bedroom carpets are from the '80s and I have other work that I need to do on the house.

My own fault...I felt guilty that I was doing okay over here and that they were living in a country which was going through various spells of turbulence, to say the least. (I was born in the UK to a Scottish mother, but Dad came from another country.)

Anyway, when I went over, it dawned on me that one cousin has a house in town and the family farmhouse (and farm) in the country; another has been able to afford holidays in the states...

I should have realised, given the behaviour of the previous generation and I've since realised that I've been kept in the dark about certain family inheritances. (That's probably why there's been in a rift in the family over there.) Guess I'm naive.

You can try mentioning the debt, @neoneo , but I suspect that your family just sees you as a money tree.

ETA

Thinking about it, there were times that I was asked for money and times I gave it freely out of guilt. All together, it must amount to a few thousand - I helped to put family members through university as well as sending money when a cousin phoned to say that she was in trouble over a debt. (I suspect that her husband gambled.)

Definitely don’t lend again though. She’s had her chance to pay it back as a relative and she messed that up by not paying. I would be tempted to tell wider family but only if it doesn’t upset/cause embarrassment particularly to older family members who may have health concerns.

No, it's not worth blocking over. Blocking is pathetic and childish. Go with option b and send her a message.

You can warn the rest of the family without saying specifics, so “Dear Fam, it pains me to need to warn everyone that someone in this group is badgering me plus at least one other person for money. I don’t want to embarass them but do not give money unless you accept it as a voluntary mugging. I am willing to share details to prove this is true, but am hoping this is sufficient to put an end to this situation.”

It's not fraud or a scam, uts a request for money which was given. Nothing to do with the police. Its a civil matter.

We had the same problem in our family. I just ignored communication with them.

Option B. Ask for the money back and don't lend more.

Tell her you won't be lending any more money and you want the £900 back. Also tell the entire family and tell her you're doing so.

Just tell her it’s not okay to ask for money, not pay it back, then ask for more money. No need to block, I doubt you’ll hear from her again anyway.

@neoneo definitely call her out about the money she owes. There's nothing to lose doing that. Tell her you won't be giving anymore money. Also warn anyone else she may ask for money then it's their choice if they still want to give her money.

I'm new to the idea that when you visit family you give them money - it seems very transactional to me. In future, get them a gift at the airport or take them out for a meal.

It’s certainly doable, though more complex and expensive. I know someone here (in Ireland) who is pursuing a Small Claims procedure against someone in another EU country. I agree that in this case it’s highly unlikely to be worth the OP’s while, but I don’t think there’s any harm in her making it clear to her relative that she owes her £900, and she is taking advice on how to pursue it.

'No, crazy cousin, you already owe me £900.
This branch of the bank of [your family name] is closed.
Love to all, Neo"

And absolutely expose her to the wider family for the grifter she is, because undoubtedly she's been tapping them up for apple watches too.

How weird that you just gave money away like that, without any context at all. If someone says 'send money' and you do, is that even a loan?

Have a serious word with all your relatives and your grandmother in particular.

I think don't block the woman as that could be spun - just tell her next time she asks that she hasn't paid her debt, you won't be sending money ever again, and as this is a pattern you've spoken to the rest of the family.

Jesus. What about asking her to set out a repayment schedule for the money she already owes you? Coupled with a suggestion that you’ll consider the small claims court if she doesn’t. The only way she’s going to stop scamming people is if someone actually insists on being repaid.

And yes do tell all of the rest of your family. She’s probably scammed all of them at some point.

Agree with this.

It’s quite common in some cultures - and giving a physical gift would be considered rude. You are essentially paying for the hospitality burden of your visit.

It's not my thing either. I'm London born and raised. My parents aren't.

However, my (elderly) parents said we should give something and they weren't keen on going shopping prior to our visit to go get gifts for every single family member. Hence why they gifted cash.

Option B + legal action

Exactly. Plus I don't understand how 'she has a nice grandmother' is somehow a good reason to respond to random text messages demanding money from someone you almost never see or speak to.

How did you know it was even her and not a scam?

Wouldn't you at least speak to her to check it really is her, find out the nature of the problem and whether it actually would be sorted by sending money - for example if she's run out of overdraft, chances are the bank will use arrival of the money in her account as a prompt to cancel the overdraft, meaning the OP is £900 down and the relative still doesn't have any money available for whatever she wanted it for.

Plus, as has been shown, people in this sort of financial position are often spending irresponsibly, tapping up multiple people and don't pay back what they borrowed even when they could do so, as evidenced by the new car and Apple watches.

The option B is perfect.