AIBU to mind DH overhearing my private online medical appointment?

[LongDarkTeatime]

Yesterday I had a medical appointment online. DH and DC came home about 20 minutes before it ended, which was fine as I was in the office with the door closed. About 10 minutes before the end I was given a diagnosis, I was expecting it but it was still a bit emotional.

When I came out afterwards DH was near the door and ready to give me a hug. Later that evening he spoke about something that had been said when I was being given the diagnosis. I asked how long he'd been listening and he got grumpy, felt accused of listening in and I got the silent treatment.

I’ve learnt to give DH time to calm down/ think about stuff so went back later and got his usual half-hearted 'sorry if I was grumpy' followed later by 'sorry if I upset you.' When I tried to talk about it properly he said it wasn't his fault because he could hear me from the lounge. When I suggested he could simply have closed the lounge door when he realised he could hear me (something we both do when working and the TV is on), he said he just hadn't thought about it. He genuinely can't see the problem with having overheard a private medical consultation because 'he knew it all anyway.'

I tried to explain that that's not the point. I should have been free to say anything in a private appointment.

He has a track record for not recognising when he's caused upset, and not making any effort to change his behaviour, then not even ‘remembering’ the conversation. Over the years I've genuinely tried to behave as I'd want to be treated, to take clear responsibility when I mess up and say what I'll do differently. I'm not perfect but I do try.

AIBU to think that 'I could hear you' isn't a good enough excuse, and that the response to your wife having an emotional private medical appointment isn't to listen in and then act wounded when she's not thrilled about it?

For context, we've been together for decades, share finances and have full access to each other's phones. Our marriage isn't great due to interpersonal difficulties he has, and both of have wondered whether he is autistic.

Posting before work so will only be able to respond on breaks.

YANBU. Your h should have given you privacy.

And he shouldn’t have made it all about him afterwards.

How are you feeling? what has he tried to do about his interpersonal difficulties to improve things?

sorry to hear about your diagnosis op.

he didn’t realise that you wanted the appointment to be private. Imo, given that you are sharing all the medical information with him anyway, I actually think that was a reasonable assumption on his part. Not saying you’re wrong to feel the way you do but i wouldn’t give him a hard time about it personally.

I wouldn't want him prowling outside and directly listening, that would annoy me. It's presumptuous and intrusive.

I'd likely be telling him what was discussed once we were finished though. That would be my choice. DH and I were quite often in on each other's medical appointments, especially if it was something major that would affect the whole family over time.

It has to be agreed in advance though, not snooped on.

I don't know. If he was standing at the door listening, then that's not on. If he happened to overhear simply because he was in your shared house without all the doors closed, then I don't really see an issue. Perhaps you could have found somewhere more private to have had the consultation, or at least given him the heads up in advance that you wanted privacy?

To some extent, I think it depends on your relationship and previous conversations that you've had around privacy etc. DH and I are generally very open with each other and neither of us would assume that conversations taking place in our shared home were supposed to be private unless that was explicitly spelt out in advance.

I think if I wanted it to be private I would have chosen complete privacy for the appointment to take place, by not telling him about it, arranging for it to be at a time he was not home, taking the call in a car/car park etc etc.

This sounds like you’ve set a parameter or expectation without communicating your wishes, and I think a lot of people would expect the opposite, that their partner be involved and supportive.

Communication is key.

YANBU He disrespectfully continued to push then overstepped your boundary, OP. Your para 5 shows him for what he is.

If he was deliberately listening then I agree. But if he just overheard that's different. If you wanted privacy, you should either have told him that or taken the call somewhere private. Not something to fall about in a solid marriage.

Thank you for giving me a view from all sides.
We keep the office door open for non-confidential stuff (it’s the habit if wfh and someone else is in the house). The door was open when they came home (we have dogs) and we exchanged a few words as I closed it.
It’s useful to hear from those saying DH wasn’t being unreasonable as it gives me an idea of what he may have been thinking but finds it hard to say. I’m very open usually but then very private about some stuff, he knows this.
I wonder if my upset is more about his ongoing inability to ‘own’ actions rather than this incident itself?

How was he able to hear your phone call was it on loudspeaker? I think if I was taking a call I didn’t want overhead i make sure I was somewhere away from others.

Oh and I was only wfh (very rare for me, and challenging to arrange) due to the need for privacy, it was a long appointment talking about difficult stuff. DH knew this.

I usually use headphones but the video call app wasn’t working properly so it had to go on speaker. Thank goodness I was at home!

You're not being unreasonable at all. Of course you're entitled to privacy.

The only thing I would say is that this is a much better problem than many I see on here. While you don't have to swallow your feelings and tolerate the intrusion and it is for him to change, he clearly cares and wants to be there for you.

If he knew that you wanted it to be private, then I think that makes a difference, OP.

But did he realise that you wanted privacy from him as well as from your work colleagues?

I'm sorry about your diagnosis by the way, but hope it paves the way for you to get some help for whatever it is that you've been diagnosed with.

It was a long appointment which I had expected to be over before they got back. At home, with multiple doors we usually close when doing confidential work, was the most private arrangement I could think of.

Thank you.
I think this is it. I made an assumption. DH made an assumption. And the assumptions were different.

While I understand the breach of privacy on the one hand it's very confusing to me that you are angry with your husband. My husband and i have no secrets, he attends some appointments with me and I always tell him what happened in the ones he doesn't come to. Ate young angry because he listened or because he knew before you had the chance to tell him or were you really not planning on telling him?

Does he ever consider your feelings (eavesdropped, mentioned what he’d heard, dismissed you as “he knew it all anyway”, is now playing the victim)? At a time when you’re feeling vulnerable and delicate, he should be more thoughtful, sensitive and caring of you.

I think it depends on the nature of the appointment/results, the state of your relationship and what your expectations normally are.

If I was expecting some very serious results - cancer, life changing illnesses etc, then he'd already be in the room with me. If he wasn't/or it was him, then I'd understand overhearing and then continuing to listen, because we'd need to steel ourselves to support eachother.

If it was something possible embarrassing, we'd leave eachother alone, and the same for mental health stuff.

Thank you everyone.
I made an assumption and didn’t think I’d need to tell DH (very good reasons to assume)
He made an assumption but I know about his (undiagnosed) difficulties and so didn’t realise I needed to spell it out.

To give a bit of extra context, he probably doesn’t realise earlier in the call I had to talk about early trauma. I know that, but he can’t read my mind.

It’s really helpful to think it through with this feedback, to try and come to a middle ground.
Thank you.

Now into work.

@ToadRage my DH always comes into my medical appointments as a calmer and therefore better listener than me. Afterwards we discuss what’s happened and have no secrets.
But
If I wanted privacy, like OP, he’d get short shrift if he behaved like her DH.

I agree with others here that if you had told him in advance that it’s private, then he’s very unreasonable not to be elsewhere so he didn’t overhear.

I used to have zoom therapy and my DH knew it was private and respected that and wore headphones or would be out of mostly I would organise it for when I’d be alone. I was really clear that I didn’t want him or anyone overhearing any of it.

But if my DH hadn’t said “this is private” and I heard him getting emotional on a zoom health call, I would hover because I’d want to be there for him. I wouldn’t think I was being intrusive. But we also a relationship where we share things like that so I know he wouldn’t be upset so perhaps different dynamics.

I think this is it OP: it was just a lack of communication about it.

I think he sounds as thought he is trying to be supportive and has accidentally offended you.

And without wanting to do the same myself, can I really gently suggest that perhaps a little bit of this annoyance is stress over the diagnosis? It isn't at all unusual for people to become cross over an alternative issue that feels more controllable when something has upset them? It's a similar response to "shoot the messenger."

I hope things are manageable OP, and send my best wishes, and it does sound as though your DH is wanting to be supportive, even if he got off on the wrong foot!

But if my DH hadn’t said “this is private” and I heard him getting emotional on a zoom health call, I would hover because I’d want to be there for him. I wouldn’t think I was being intrusive. But we also a relationship where we share things like that so I know he wouldn’t be upset so perhaps different dynamics.
TBH I'd be the same. In fact, I'd feel dismissive and a bit cold to do otherwise, but obviously all relationships are different.