AIBU to mind DH overhearing my private online medical appointment?

[LongDarkTeatime]

Yesterday I had a medical appointment online. DH and DC came home about 20 minutes before it ended, which was fine as I was in the office with the door closed. About 10 minutes before the end I was given a diagnosis, I was expecting it but it was still a bit emotional.

When I came out afterwards DH was near the door and ready to give me a hug. Later that evening he spoke about something that had been said when I was being given the diagnosis. I asked how long he'd been listening and he got grumpy, felt accused of listening in and I got the silent treatment.

I’ve learnt to give DH time to calm down/ think about stuff so went back later and got his usual half-hearted 'sorry if I was grumpy' followed later by 'sorry if I upset you.' When I tried to talk about it properly he said it wasn't his fault because he could hear me from the lounge. When I suggested he could simply have closed the lounge door when he realised he could hear me (something we both do when working and the TV is on), he said he just hadn't thought about it. He genuinely can't see the problem with having overheard a private medical consultation because 'he knew it all anyway.'

I tried to explain that that's not the point. I should have been free to say anything in a private appointment.

He has a track record for not recognising when he's caused upset, and not making any effort to change his behaviour, then not even ‘remembering’ the conversation. Over the years I've genuinely tried to behave as I'd want to be treated, to take clear responsibility when I mess up and say what I'll do differently. I'm not perfect but I do try.

AIBU to think that 'I could hear you' isn't a good enough excuse, and that the response to your wife having an emotional private medical appointment isn't to listen in and then act wounded when she's not thrilled about it?

For context, we've been together for decades, share finances and have full access to each other's phones. Our marriage isn't great due to interpersonal difficulties he has, and both of have wondered whether he is autistic.

Posting before work so will only be able to respond on breaks.

I don’t think that your husband has done anything wrong here and frankly if I was in a marriage where I needed absolute privacy for a medical appointment I would be getting myself out of that marriage . Like pp I’ve been married a long time and have lots of long term health conditions and my husband has come to every appointment that he’s been able to attend and vice versa .

I think you have been through a stressful time and I hope you improve with the medication.
I however do t think your dh is at fault for a lot of what you have posted.
If you have unresolved issues I suggest you use the medication alongside counselling.
My observation is that he is getting the brunt of your frustration.

Thank you for every thoughtful and compassionate message, I appreciate them, from all viewpoints.
I've taken on board the different views (even the 'suck it up love, this is the life you've chosen so get on with it' ones) and how challenging it is when only given snippets of information.

I hope you are ok.

i will admit to finding the concept of wanting privacy on a medical call strange, I prefer my dh to be there especially if it’s upsetting etc as sometimes you lose focus and it’s easier if someone else is there to pick up what you don’t. But it’s each to their own.

Tbh I’ve been surprised by many of the comments you’ve received OP, but maybe I’m out of step.
If I’d closed a door signalling I wanted privacy, then someone else realised I was having a confidential medical discussion but didn’t close another door to prevent his hearing and later mentioned aspects of it, dismissively stating he knew it all anyway, I would take exception.
Communication was made, not necessarily verbally, but definitely made. He knew about the call, heard the content, continued to listen in, had the nerve to talk about it later, dismissed your discomfort as he knew it all anyway. He disrespected your wishes and has overridden your emotions. Yet he’s not always been like this. I’d see a callous bully.