AIBU to mind DH overhearing my private online medical appointment?

[LongDarkTeatime]

Yesterday I had a medical appointment online. DH and DC came home about 20 minutes before it ended, which was fine as I was in the office with the door closed. About 10 minutes before the end I was given a diagnosis, I was expecting it but it was still a bit emotional.

When I came out afterwards DH was near the door and ready to give me a hug. Later that evening he spoke about something that had been said when I was being given the diagnosis. I asked how long he'd been listening and he got grumpy, felt accused of listening in and I got the silent treatment.

I’ve learnt to give DH time to calm down/ think about stuff so went back later and got his usual half-hearted 'sorry if I was grumpy' followed later by 'sorry if I upset you.' When I tried to talk about it properly he said it wasn't his fault because he could hear me from the lounge. When I suggested he could simply have closed the lounge door when he realised he could hear me (something we both do when working and the TV is on), he said he just hadn't thought about it. He genuinely can't see the problem with having overheard a private medical consultation because 'he knew it all anyway.'

I tried to explain that that's not the point. I should have been free to say anything in a private appointment.

He has a track record for not recognising when he's caused upset, and not making any effort to change his behaviour, then not even ‘remembering’ the conversation. Over the years I've genuinely tried to behave as I'd want to be treated, to take clear responsibility when I mess up and say what I'll do differently. I'm not perfect but I do try.

AIBU to think that 'I could hear you' isn't a good enough excuse, and that the response to your wife having an emotional private medical appointment isn't to listen in and then act wounded when she's not thrilled about it?

For context, we've been together for decades, share finances and have full access to each other's phones. Our marriage isn't great due to interpersonal difficulties he has, and both of have wondered whether he is autistic.

Posting before work so will only be able to respond on breaks.

Kindly (because you're obviously going through something difficult) but you're saying your DH doesn't 'own his actions' but actually this is you who is not owning their action. If you wanted 100% privacy, you should have sorted 100% privacy. This is not on your DH, it's on you.

How could he help hearing if it was on speaker and doors were open?!

And I also noticed, OP, that in your summary above, your assumption you deemed justifiable/reasonable yet his assumption was down to an inherent difficulty with him.

I think you both made assumptions and there's an end to it. Neither more reasonable than the other.

I'm sorry you are going through something difficult, but taking it out on your DH isn't going to resolve it and may just alienate a source of support for you. It is hard to support people who get easily prickly, even if you really want to show them you care.

I think it’s entirely fair to feel the way you do. There may be situations where you want to discuss your libido / relationship without the knowledge that someone is skulking around. Somethings are also private - I don’t need to open myself bare to my partner about every single detail of my life. If I’d suffered a traumatic incident that’s not necessarily something that I want my partner to know the ins and outs of. People often find it easier to talk to strangers about tricky stuff. I don’t consider that “ keeping secrets” and I don’t think you needed to justify your actions by saying “ we have access to each others phones”. Not a criticism just an observation. I hope your treatment goes well and you’re on the mend soon.

Unless he was standing on the other side of the door with his ear pressed against it I don’t think he’s done anything wrong.

It genuinely wouldn’t cross my mind that my husband would want to hide private medical things from me and if he did I would be worried something sinister was going on. If he said he was working from home to take the appointment privately I would assume that he meant from colleagues.

I wouldn’t listen at the door but if the call was to be heard throughout the house I also wouldn’t make any effort to shut the door if my husband hadn’t indicated it was private and he didn’t want me to know.

I am pretty good at picking stuff up and reading situations but in this case my husband would have to literally spell it out to me I’m afraid. I have endometriosis and bowel issues and if I need to talk about this to the doctor on the phone I indicate to my husband it’s private or go outside because I do believe there’s oversharing, but I communicate this with him and don’t assume he’ll know because of course I tell him what’s going on with my health- we’re married.

I think unless you articulate it, in most strong marriages you’d not assume it was private from your spouse, for me and my husband it wouldn’t be, so I’m not sure he’s done anything wrong here if I’m honest. You didn’t want him to know, he didn’t know this.

Surely the fact that OP had the door shut was an indication that she wanted privacy for her medical consultation?

Even if she intended to share some of the details with him afterwards, what if her GP has asked about what support she had at home and she answered in a way that she wouldn't want her DH to hear.

I think it's a bit odd that you're bothered about this. Anyone other than your DH I could understand but I'd expect someone would want their spouse to be there when they receive news like that so they can support them. I would've done the same thing your DH did and I'd appreciate my DH doing it to so I got support straight away rather than having to go through explaining things to him.

If I was her DH I'd think she didn't want the child to hear or interrupt rather than that she wanted privacy from me.

I’m wondering if your relationship is moved to one of siblings op. You seem irritated by him in general and saying some unpleasant things about him and you appear to want to blame him for anything thays your responsibility.

This man hasn’t done anything wrong, and he even tried to give you a hug, but you’re response is anger and that he should have known he wasn’t to know and he should have moved to make your conversation private. Not you. It wasn’t your job to make your conversation private, it was his.

maybe it’s the stress if the diagnosis, maybe your relationship has moved past that of a marriage and now simply one of convenience and irritation, secrecy and blame. It’s hard to guess.

This all sounds down to poor/no communications and assumptions on both sides.

Receiving an actual diagnosis could be a life changing event for yourself, but also DH. I would have had my DH I the room with me- but clearly, we are different to you and your DH.

Yes, I'd have assumed it was to stop noise from the children interrupting the call if my DH had done it. Or maybe to stop the dc hearing.

Of course if he told me he'd prefer to field it alone and debrief after, I'd give him that space, but I would not have just inferred it because he closed the door. And if I heard - without listening - I wouldn't pretend I hadn't: I'd have done what her DH did and addressed the substance of what I had understood.

I understand OP is feeling upset at how it played out but I don't honestly think her DH has done too much that was unreasonable.

I was think about this in quiet points today. In trying to be brief and not give too much personal info I may have given an incorrect impression.

'DH' and I do not have a typical relationship, without derailing too much, he is happy in the marriage but only because he plays a his preferred practical role with very little emotional input. It wasn't always like this and I have tried to raise my needs but they are ignored/avoided. He is a very good man, a good housemate, a good father but not a great husband.

DH knew I was having the long consultation at home for privacy. He knows having the office door closed (for me or him) is for both sound blocking and privacy, and we often close the lounge door too. To be fair to him, he was tired.

DH never shares any private info until its almost concluded (even when he should) eg even the fact he's having medical appointments sometimes. He just doesn't think about it. But I'm open with it on the whole.

Unless absolutely necessary DH wouldn't join me in a consultation as he'd be too anxious to make it helpful for me (he'd be willing and knowledgeable but no thank you). That's why I manage all DC appointments, and he'd agree with this.

I think my reaction was to having my upset dismissed again. Its a pattern which doesn't seem to change, and yes I've tried.

So, yes I was shocked what I'd thought was private, wasn't. However I think my upset comes from having another example of a wider issue.

I'd have wanted DH to hear, and on that basis I might have assumed he wanted me to hear too. I'd see it as supportive and caring rather than intrusive. If you'd told him you wanted privacy, that's different, but if you share all this information anyway, I don't know why overhearing (and showing interest in what you overheard) is so awful.

I’m surprised so many wouldn’t want their husband with them on an emotional medical call??
If I was having any medical issues and was potentially getting an upsetting diagnosis I’d want my husband there to hold my hand, ask any questions I’d forgotten and also hear the info so if I couldn’t take it all in!!

I wouldn't want him prowling outside and directly listening, that would annoy me. It's presumptuous and intrusive.

Well nor would anyone I'm sure, because that would be weird, wouldn't it?

I'm not sure why you've raised this though, given that wasn't what happened?

I'd be dragging him along, but I guess we are all different.

OP has clarified now that their marriage isn't close emotionally, but unfortunately that's sort of a different thread and makes it hard for us to answer an AIBU if it turns on their own specific circumstances.

Having read your update OP, have you both considered marriage counselling?

This is the one of the problems with phone/zoom consults. It's hard to get privacy in a family home, unless you have a large house.
I'm fed up being offered phone consults, I have things going on I don't want my teen to know about and our house is tiny, you can hear from every room. And of course it's almost impossible to get an in person appointment because all the GP's are working from home.
(I know this was a private appointment and not relevant!)
YANBU to want privacy, eavesdropping is not on, but I assume you would discuss any medical issues with your DH anyway.

The diagnosis is not a catastrophic one, it's life-long and challenging, but manageable with medication. I was expecting it as its been a long journey getting here. So it was a specialist appointment he knew about but wherecI had to talk about sensitive stuff.
As said originally, we both suspect he has autism. I suspect it more than him, but then he has his specific needs met.
Edited for clarity

I think my reaction was to having my upset dismissed again. Its a pattern which doesn't seem to change, and yes I've tried.

It's never going to change so if you want to stay in a relationship with him you just have to accept that.

I guess for me I do sometimes overhear things and so do my family and it's a fine line. You kind of should almost pretend you didn't hear and let the person explain it.

But it depends on the seriousness of the subject and the general way you communicate. He was concerned and maybe was kind of eavesdropping. Which isn't right. But it didn't come from a horrible place.

Yabu, the onus is on you to be somewhere you couldn't be overheard,

I can see no problem.
If I didn't want my husband to know about my "ailments", I'd choose to live alone.

But you chose to stay, and this is your life, your decision. You can’t keep punishing him or being disparaging about him when you accept rhis, it’s unpleasant to read.

you don’t even sound like you like him very much and feel he’s to blame for everything even when it’s your fault. He obvs didn’t realise, he even tried to hug you. He wasn’t standing with his ear against the door. And it was on you to ensure privacy if that’s whay you wanted.

it is always better to take personal responsibility for our own behaviour as much as its way more satisfying to always make it someone else’s fault.