AIBU to resent my mum dismissing my career and ambitions?

[Treesandbeez]

This has been a topic of frustration for years. Is me feeling angry about this ridiculous?

My mum started working parttime when she was 30, before she had kids. She had simple admin jobs (nothing wrong with that in general) until she retired when she was 50. My dad was the breadwinner, he worked in a good finance job but climbed the ladder without a degree. Their marriage is difficult and they argue a lot, it’s never a nice atmosphere in the house.

I moved out when I was 18, and got a masters and now have a 12 year career & management job in finance that pays me a great wage. However my job is also very demanding and can be 50+ hours & 45 minute commute each way. Im single and honestly all my mum wants for me is to find a partner, work parttime and keep the house in order. I get constant digs about how I need to tidy my house, saying “she is joking”, I can never vent about a stressful day because “you chose this life” and when I did my degrees it was a constant of “why put this stress on yourself”. I’ve gone to a top 5 uni and it helped me a lot. I feel like I never have a safe space to express my stress as she has zero understanding what its like to have a demanding job. We have arguments about this frequently.

This sounds mad but sometimes I just wish my mum was ambitious so she could give me advice & understand me. Is this problem common? My friends all seem to have proud parents. My mum thinks ambition & working a lot is gross. How do I handle this? I really struggle to be around her and I don’t want to be mean.

You can't expect your mum to change or for her to think the same way as you do. She isn't the person to go to if you want to offload. Talk to a friend or colleague who will understand the pressure you are under.
Your mum is probably worried about you working such long hours and doesn't know what to say when you are complaining to her about the stress you are under other than it was your choice.

I totally understand OP and this comes
from a mum who is my DDs ear throughout her whole career. I have always been hugely ambitious and this has rubbed off on my DD.

She has her own business and puts everything through me and has done since she decided to go it alone. It has made such a difference and I therefore understand why you feel frustrated.

A relative of mine has really intelligent DDs, but she is not as intelligent as them and not ambitious and sometimes I feel she tries to bring them down to her level. One of them has gone NC.

It is shame. Maybe you could say “mum, I want to talk to you, please listen” and explain how you feel. Get her to open up, because there is always two sides and her perception may well be worth hearing.

I agree with the others that its best to just avoid that kind of conversation with her. That's what I do with my mum - don't mention my childhood or complain about my own parenting struggles because I know that I won't get a response I like!

I'm sure you probably do anyway, but you have to feel a bit sorry for her that she feels like being a housewife is all a woman should aspire to. She also doesn't realise that its generally a different world financially now. Its a her problem and not a reflection on you

I don't think anyone has a child because they want grandchildren! That's madness
They have children because they want children.

Are you happy?

And what are your future plans?

I couldn't see how old ypu were.

If your sure you don't want a partner or have children and are happy with your life.

Then thats fine.

It's just as people get older and they look back on what they did in life.

She probably worried that you might miss out on a family- is it something you would regret when you look back.

These days we've been conditioned to work our arses off, but don't realise what's most important in life- I wish I had worked less hard when younger.

If your happy with life and don't think you'd mind kissing out on family life then that's fine.

It's just priorities of life change as people get older. And things you might not think were important right now- such as families. You mum is worried you might regret as you get older and chance disappears.

Sorry, maybe I'm misunderstanding, but do you think that if people aren't ambitious then they aren't intelligent?

That’s not what the poster said, she said “not as intelligent AND not ambitious”.

Is she maybe taking it as a criticism of the choices she made in order to bring you up in the way you’ve turned out? So she maybe takes you complaining about your career as you showing her that you don’t value the sacrifices she made for her family and she’s a bit touchy about it.

You mum is probably my age - a different generation, I’m 57.

That’s what we did. I was part time at 23 and had I not been divorced would have retired by now

Divorce changes you. I work full time at a career I love. Could retire at 60, but I won’t. I have alway encouraged my dd to always be able to support herself financially.

she’s still married. She won’t have moved on.

Yes I see that, and fair enough. It reads to me as that the two were linked somehow is all

Your mum wants you to be exactly like her. You are not and she doesn’t like it. It is perfectly possible for parents to be supportive of children who have a different life to them but she chooses not to. Some mothers particularly find it difficult to understand their daughters are not just extensions of them.

No, don’t jump to silly conclusions. What I said was relevant to my situation. My relative is not very intelligent. I was not talking about the whole
population of planet earth. Pick a fight elsewhere!

She doesn't have kids or a partner, unless op forgot to mention the kids.

Shes too busy working at the moment.

I also think that marriage and dc isn’t the be all and end all but think most of us would like to see our dc in a happy and supportive relationship living in an orderly home. Life is just easier for most people that way, dual income and emotional support at home takes the pressure off. If your house is a bit chaotic and nobody has got your back then she probably just wants that for you?

Are you happy working 50 hours a week and feeling stressed ? Maybe she's genuinely concerned about you .

Can you talk to your dad about how upset you are. Can he be an intermediary. Come up with some standard phrases to use on common topics that set boundaries and pull her up a bit. E.g. ' would you be saying this to me if I was a boy?' 'please can you stop 'joking' about the state of my house mum, it's unkind and I don't want to hear it". 'ok, I'll stop telling you about work as it's clear you don't want to hear it'. My guess is you are triggering feelings about her own life choices and also how she was treated by her own parents. If you can, you could even have a word to get to the heart of the matter. 'mum you are so negative about my life and I'm wondering why you are finding it difficult to support me. I don't criticise your life choices and it's making it hard to be around you.'

Such a shame your mum can’t be happier for you.

iveworked part time hours (bar 18 months where I did a full time position) since I had our children. Started off with 15 hrs a week and I now do 30 however my rate of pay is quite good.

we have two ambitious and career driven adult children, I love how focussed they are our eldest has just become chartered and bought their own house all at the age of 24 and our youngest is just as focused. We are always telling them how proud we are etc however I would be concerned if they were working 50+ and were complaining about how tired they were.

Unfortunately a lot of us don't get the support we need from our parents and sometimes we have different values. I think you need to accept your mum isn't the person you can go to about work stress. Do you have other people you can lean on?
I would be proud of you if you were my DD but if I'm honest, I'd also be worried if work was your whole life and it was causing you a lot of stress. You're doing a lot of hours, do you have time to socialise and do things you enjoy?

My mum is similar, but she never worked. My dad had a well paying job that supported us growing up. Thier marriage is incredibly unhappy but she could never leave him as she has absolutely no financial independence. My mum actively discouraged any sort of higher education and encouraged me to follow her path in finding a man to support me. I didn't end up going to university due to her lack of support even though I wish I had.

As it stands I'm married with 2 young aged children and have a husband who earns enough to support all of us but I choose to work in 2 not particularly well paid jobs that I find extremely rewarding and fulfilling, even though they are tiring with unsocialable hours. I like having some financial independence from my husband and I know if we were to ever split up I would be able to support myself, even if it wouldn't be to the same standard of living that I am now.

My mum cannot get her head around this and thinks it's utterly bonkers I'm choosing to work. She thinks I should be at home with my children more. I work 4 days a week very early starts but Im home usually before they finish school/nursery so spend plenty of time with them. I just don't really share that part of my life with my mum anymore. I do think my mum might be secretly jealous that I've done something with my life that she never did.

It's not really exclusive to her though, I think it's a generation thing. One of my jobs is working in a retirement home with all women residents and they find it crazy that I am a mum that also works and it "was never really like that in thier day"

I wouldn't let it get to you too much, your mum will probably never get her head around it

Obviously the stuff about tidying your house and so on is a load of bollocks, and I would also be annoyed by that if I were you.

However, I have to say that it sounds to me as if you do probably talk quite a lot about how busy and stressed and under pressure are, and eventually, that does become quite tiresome for other people when the thing that's putting you under stress is something you've actively chosen. It's easier to sympathise with someone's stress when it isn't effectively of their own making. I find it a lot easier to sympathise with friends who are stressed by, eg, their health or the needs of their elderly parents or things that are unavoidable than I do with friends who are stressed because they've actively chosen a career path and/or extracurricular responsibilities that come with a lot of pressure. Especially when they're always banging on about it,

Sorry missed that. Even less reason for the mum to insert herself into the narrative.

This was my take on it too (and my experience, alas). Admittedly my mum (and dad) did champion my education and went on and on about getting academic qualifications and then a professional qualification, as they both had done. Bizarrely as soon as I was married my mum was horrified that I didn't step back in my career. The horror was compounded when I had a child and put him in nursery rather than giving up work for a few years and then going very part time for the rest of my life. I think it's partly that she's got very fixed ideas about the right way of doing things and also perhaps a lack of self esteem ... seems to see her daughters making different choices as a rejection of and insult to her.

I know now not to expect any pride from her in my career achievements. I don't even mention them. And I just try to ignore catty comments about what a terrible wife/mother I must be. You'll never get the approval you crave from her so give yourself a pat on the back instead.

My mum also had a very different life to me. She was a SAHM, married at 18 etc. Whereas I went to uni, have a big job in finance that has allowed me to travel the world whilst also juggling house and family.

I have never gone to my mum for work/career advice or support. She simply wouldn’t be able to provide it as my world is alien to her. And that’s ok as I don’t need her for that, I’ve had other people along the way.

In fact, I very rarely talk to her about my career, even in general. I’m not sure she could even tell you what my job is. She know’s I’m busy and truth be told, she probably doesn’t understand why I do it as she knows we could live off DH’s salary.

Just don’t go there with your mum would be my advice. She will never really understand your motivations, you’re very different people. And that’s ok.

I think PPs are far too quick to excuse this (shitty) behaviour as a "generational thing".

My MIL was born in the early 1940s. Her life was very typically of many women of that generation; she left education at a young age and worked in low-level roles for a few years before marrying and becoming a homemaker, while FIL was the breadmaker. They had a long and successful marriage and a very happy family life.

However she was nothing but supportive of her DILs' (she had two sons) careers, fully recognising that women's aspirations and opportunities had changed and that that modern family life often demands two salaries, with both parents equally responsible for the home and children. I'm sure had her own opinions about the positives and negatives of her DILs lives compared to her own, but she was wise enough to keep them to herself and never judge.

The idea that people in their 60s and 70s are too stuck in their ways to be able to recognise changing perspectives is quite ageist I think. These judgemental parents are simply rude, plain and simple.

My mum was a little like this. I just stopped talking to her about my work. She wasn’t going to change. Never having worked she never could understand those of us who do, and was never going to.