AIBU to resent my mum dismissing my career and ambitions?

[Treesandbeez]

This has been a topic of frustration for years. Is me feeling angry about this ridiculous?

My mum started working parttime when she was 30, before she had kids. She had simple admin jobs (nothing wrong with that in general) until she retired when she was 50. My dad was the breadwinner, he worked in a good finance job but climbed the ladder without a degree. Their marriage is difficult and they argue a lot, it’s never a nice atmosphere in the house.

I moved out when I was 18, and got a masters and now have a 12 year career & management job in finance that pays me a great wage. However my job is also very demanding and can be 50+ hours & 45 minute commute each way. Im single and honestly all my mum wants for me is to find a partner, work parttime and keep the house in order. I get constant digs about how I need to tidy my house, saying “she is joking”, I can never vent about a stressful day because “you chose this life” and when I did my degrees it was a constant of “why put this stress on yourself”. I’ve gone to a top 5 uni and it helped me a lot. I feel like I never have a safe space to express my stress as she has zero understanding what its like to have a demanding job. We have arguments about this frequently.

This sounds mad but sometimes I just wish my mum was ambitious so she could give me advice & understand me. Is this problem common? My friends all seem to have proud parents. My mum thinks ambition & working a lot is gross. How do I handle this? I really struggle to be around her and I don’t want to be mean.

You need to find someone else to be your safe space.
That said if my daughter was stressed and working 50 hour weeks I'd be concerned for her too. There is more to life than work

To some parents the sole reason they want children is to get grandchildren and they cant see past women staying at home and kids getting married and having kids, you cant change people like that

How is your dad? Is he more supportive?

Sounds hard, and I can relate. I think the difficulty may be that your DM is (subconsciously?) interpretating your career as a criticism of her own choices in life, and is acting defensively. She may well recognise the financial freedom and prestige you've earned for yourself and feel regretful and even jealous. So she is doubling down on her own decisions as a way of convincing herself that her path was the better one.

It's really sad that she can't be happy for you.

I'm not sure what you can do other than spell it out to her in no uncertain terms that the world has changed and you have chosen financial independence and security.

I’m afraid your mum is your mum and you can’t just change her to suit your circumstances. You need to accept her for who she is and stop expecting her to be someone else.

A good friend who understands is the way to go. An alternative ’safe’ person who you can talk to and, in turn, listen to their stresses etc.

We have different people in our lives for different reasons. Your mum is NOT your work person!

You're going to have to lower your expectations of her, she isn't capable of understanding or supporting you. Stop trying to get blood out of a stone - she won't change, people never do.

So when you moan about your hours what do you want back?
Maybe she feels overwhelmed that you make the same complaints but she can't fix them for you. She suggests working less and you explode.
She will be proud of you but she'll also worry too. But being told over and over again about the same problem might be hard.
How about you only tell her good stuff from now on. And get a cleaner - you deserve not to live in a messy house.
And get a life coach because yes you need dome one championing you in this area.
You're looking to be feted by her and that won't happen. Get your head round that now and move on. Don't try to rubbish her choices (you're very similar to your mum you know!)

Tell her you will no longer be talking to her about work things as it’s just frustrating
and you don’t find her supportive

anytime she tries to talk to you about it
change the subject
change it to the weather
or what you are upto at the weekend etc

you are not going to get understanding and support from her
and it’s better for you to accept it rather than trying force it

and if she’s like that about other areas of your life
keep things even more in the surface

you can’t make a scorpion a dog x

Not an excuse but different generations. 40 years ago it was much easier for one person (inevitably the man) to be a breadwinner and support an entire family on one income. It’s rarely the case now.

I think it’s brilliant you are supporting yourself and building an amazing career. When my father died my mother was absolutely lost with no career/income to speak of.

Ignore your mum, just keep going.

@PollyBell - what? I think most women have children because they want children 😂

I think you’ve just made different choices in life and don’t understand each other but that’s ok. My mother and I are very different people too and sometimes you just have to accept that you’re an adult now and don’t need her support in everything you do.

Just stay away from your job as a conversation. My mum is the same, it's just easier to talk about other aspects of life when I see her to save the hassle and lack of understanding. My dad and stepmum on the other hand totally get it and were my sounding board for a lot of my business decisions.

It’s wrapped up in “concern” but your mum is jealous that you’ve got the balls to do what she never did (and, in fairness, might not have had the opportunity to do). Unfortunately some women (and people) only see success through the prism of marriage, kids, and keeping a nice home. It’s absolutely pathetic.

I’m sorry, she sounds awful and its greatly to your credit that you have done as well as you have with so little support. She is probably envious, given that she is so dependent on your dad and basically trapped.

I’m so grateful my mother wasn’t like this: its a huge burden to have a parent who pulls you down.

No practical advice other than to say you should try to find a mentor or a support group: people who can relate to your life. You are doing the right thing and setting an excellent example to your children, don’t forget that.

Can you speak to your dad about it? It's difficult when you feel you can't say anything negative about your work without a 'just leave' type comment, when it's the biggest part of your life. If you have to avoid talking about it completely then there isn't much left as it impacts everything.

On the other hand, my very successful friend used to moan constantly that her job was the busiest andost stressful it had ever been and how awful it was. She was on hundreds of thousands of pounds in a job she chose for the money in the city in an industry that's known for being very high paying but brutal hours. I get it, but on the other hand she was making an active choice to stay in that job every day because she liked the money, and it was very frustrating to listen to constantly, when it was completely in her gift to get a less stressful job, and that was the only viable solution (she eventually did this)

So I guess it depends how much you moan about it, whether she is being unreasonable or not. But I agree with a PP, she can't or won't understand you about this so the best thing is to ccept this, just say work is fine when she asks and talk about work to someone else

You just need to find someone else to talk about work, career planning or work-related stress with. It’s like expecting a tonedeaf person to engage in a discussion of Wagner.

From her perspective, you’ve chosen to inflict unnecessary stress on yourself by doing something she doesn’t think is integral to a woman’s life.

My mother is the same about some things, like she’s baffled that I have a lot of good friends, despite being married with a child — for her, only young, unmarried women need friends, because they need to go out collectively to meet men to marry. As soon as that’s done, you retreat inside your family, so your hen do and bridesmaids are literally goodbye to your friends until you might reconnect after your children are reared and gone.

Your mum seems to have had a very small life, only ever working part time in simple jobs and seeing her main role as being married and ‘keeping house.’ Even though the marriage sounds unhappy and beset with arguments!

I suspect she just can’t comprehend your life - going to university, valuing education, aiming for a good career - not just waiting for a man to turn up and bankroll you!

honestly - I would stop making any reference to the challenges of your work life to her. Don’t give her ammunition. If she continues to make digs, just say ‘yes, I’ve chosen a good career, independence and a more ambitious life. Get over it!’

you know your life is far preferable to hers - and I suspect she knows that too.

You need to stop talking to her about it. For whatever reason she doesn't want to understand you or sympathise. She probably feels judged herself. Leave it out of the conversation (although this does mean being less close, since it reduces your relationship to just polite chat).

I think it’s natural for parents to want their child to be “safe” - whatever that means to them. To your mum it sounds like that is a man providing, and a typical/old fashioned house set up. Whereas to you it might be having financial independence and being successful.

I listened to an interesting point (may have been Steven Bartlett) who was saying his mother didn’t support him following his ambitions and stopped talking to him for a period of time. It was because she wanted him to do something less risky but less risk is often associated with less reward. Parents often encourage low risk options because they are over protective but that can turn out worse in the end because people will miss out on all sorts of opportunities.

I have found it freeing with my own parents to stop seeking approval. Sometimes when I get a complete lack of support i just say- I’m not trying to get you to agree with me, I’m just letting you know what I’m doing. That bizarrely seems to flatten it a bit.

Talk to someone else about your work stress, she will never relate. My mum was a diplomat's wife, and excelled at being a beautiful charming hostess for the many receptions/events and was very good at charitable works. I am a lawyer whose never really bothered about how my hair looks as long as I am (mostly) presentable. Our chosen paths are just very different and we cannot relate, which I think is fine - it takes all sorts doesn't it - as long as both parties agree to disagree/not discuss it.

Your mum is taking the fact that you have a high-flying and lucrative career as an implied criticism of her status as a part-time worker in undemanding jobs and of her decision to take very early retirement at the age of 50.

She can't relate to your situation and just wants you to validate what she did by getting married, having kids and working in part-time non-professional jobs.

She sounds touchy and annoying so I would cut down the amount of time I spent with her in order to reduce the opportunities for her to criticise your life choices.

Most mums would be very proud of your academic achievements and your high-flying job.

She does understand that if you got married and had a baby you, like many, many women, would probably have to “keep the house”, raise the baby and work full time?

That would be my response.

Thank you everyone for so many great responses. I will read them all later today. Appreciate the messages!

Every time she says something like that you should say: “Why? So I can be as happy as you?” Keep flipping it back to her OP. Whatever she says use an example from her own life. Ask her why she wants her daughter to have as miserable a life as she has.

You can do that more softly by saying yes, I chose it. We all make our own choices.

My dad has half a GCSE. He’s a tradie My mum only has O levels and stopped working at 27. She now works in a shop at 60.

I have 3 degrees. They’re both great at listening and offering advice because they’re people with brains and emotional intelligence. However, I’d be more likely to ask my dad than my mum because he’s more thoughtful. Have you tried asking your dad?