Should I expect my mum to tidy my house?

[Airwaverly]

Would you guys agree that this situation is weird or AIBU?

My mum provides childcare for my 5yo DD and has done since I went back to work when she was 2yo. From when I got pregnant my mum offered to take care of DD so we agreed an arrangement and I pay her 500 per month to take care of her 3 days a week. Most days she picks her up before 9am drops her to school and then collects her at 2 and watches her in my house until I finish work at 5pm (i work from home). On school holidays she has her for the full day 3 days a week. They have a lovely relationship and my mum is great with my daughter.
For the first 2 years everything was great in fact I would say my mum went above and beyond she would have the house spotless, while still taking care of a crazy toddler. However in the last year things have drastically changed my mum no longer does anything other than babysit so even though I tidy up all the breakfast stuff on my lunch break by the time I finish work at 5 the house is absolutely upside down. My daughter is 5 and is good to put things away but needs to be reminded, my mum obviously isn't reminding her as there will be lego and magnatiles strewn throughout the house along with pages of colouring and soft toys. Often my DDs school uniform will be left on the floor collecting dog hair and any snacks/drinks/coffee cups etc will just be left on the coffee table instead of being put into the dishwasher. My mums own house is immaculate and she is extremely fit she just completed her 2nd half marathon (so its not a lack of energy thing) . I find it hard to start even cooking dinner because of the mess all over the countertops. I don't know what changed and my mum is not someone who you you can talk to about these things so i wouldn't bring it up with her. I don't expect her to be a full time cleaner but even just tidy up a little bit by putting the used dishes in the dishwasher! Or am I being a spoiled brat?

There's no such thing as free help op.

I totally get you and I've never in my life babysat without tidying up at the end of the day before the parent came home. Plus keeping the place reasonably clear helps kids hold interest in toys and reduces the risk of them falling or tripping and maybe hurting themselves.

So I don't think yabu, but I don't know how you'd raise it. It does sound like she's maybe less engaged with your child than she was at the start, maybe she's finding it a bit much? So maybe there's a place to start to see how it's actually working for her?

My mum does the same, whether she's minding my child at my house or her house I will need to do a big tidy before I can get on with things. It frustrates me but I bite my tongue because I appreciate the help.

Shes taking the mickey. You're paying her, she's not doing you a favour.

Maybe simply ask her why she doesn't tidy up anymore? It seems as if she's dissatisfied with the arrangement but wont actually say so and this is a 'dirty' protest.

Or just ask her to remind your daughter [using her as an excuse] to put things away as you're trying to get her into good habits.

Sounds like she's fed up of tidying your house after your child.

Teach your child not to throw her uniform on the floor.
Teach yourself to clean up the breakfast pots after breakfast and not lunch (you have a dishwasher to hide it all for goodness sake!). Then use lunch time to have another run at clearing the lunch and snack pots.

How often did you tell her you appreciated her cleaning up for you? Did you buy her flowers or gifts? The money was just for babysitting duties not cleaning so it's not surprising she is downing tools.

If you're not prepared to have a conversation about it, there's nothing you can do!

I suspect the current arrangememt is no longer working.
Now your dd is at school full time , can you not use breakfast and after school clubs and then holiday clubs. It'll cost you less than £500 a month and your house won't be a bomb site when you get home.

Alright don't get your knickers in a twist. I have a work call bang on 9am every morning so I don't get to give the house a proper tidy until my lunch break 12.30-1:30. So the house is very tidy when she gets home at 2.20.

I do teach my DD to tidy up after herself but she is 5 and needs reminding. Of course I get my mum gifts and flowers to say thank you and always showed my appreciation to her with bigger amounts at christmas/mothers day etc. So I have no idea why she would feel unappreciated (if that's even what's going on here)

Yes I'm thinking the same thing, I feel my mums nose will be out of joint if I go elsewhere for childcare but might be the only option.

Something will have provoked the change, even if you are not aware of it.

A comment misinterpreted, a certain look, a lack of appreciation one time when she’s done something special, a lack of consideration and thanks one time when she’s been injured or unwell. Might have been from you, or from your DP? Even a “mummy says” comment from your DD.

Best thing is to ask her.

Maybe looking after your daughter is exhausting her and what she does is the most she can offer? How is her health?

My knickers are fine 😂 but you did ask why then made a big list of what your mother didn't do.

If you can't ask her then maybe see if she will care for DD at her house during the holidays at least or you find alternative childcare. Those are your only options really.

She’s paying for the childcare - not the cleaning and it would cost her a lot more per month if I she was paying. Registered childminder)

She is in great health as far as I know like I said she just ran a half marathon last weekend. She's in her late 50s but looks much younger. She takes very good care of herself.

Paying for childcare
not cleaner

get a Cleaner too

OP says her mum has run half marathons !

I would look into wraparound care for your daughter-it’ll be cheaper and your house will stay tidy!

But her mum did tidy up for the first two years, so what changed?

I can't afford to have a cleaner in for those 3 days every week at the same time as my mum and those are the only days I need a cleaner.

When my partner is there Thurs, Friday everything is fine and when I'm off the weekend again there is no issue, house runs fine. No major mess. I just might need to make alternative arrangements for Mon Tues wed.

She's pissed off with being seen as a cleaner as well as a childminder. Reading between the lines I think she feels that you're abusing the situation. And you might well be. £500 a month for reliable childcare ain't bad. If you want cleaning done as well then pay for a cleaner. It probably doesn't help that you are actually at home yourself.

so its not a lack of energy thing

Theres a big difference between being fit and being able to do it all.

I am very fit and I’m much younger than your mum but I would probably struggle looking after a young child and keeping on top of everything else.

I wouldn’t expect her to tidy but I would expect her to clean up after herself.

If I babysit, I keep things to a certain standard.

I would be careful and only mention the main thing for now and then you can mention others later on.

For now, could you ask your DD to put her uniform on a certain place. Then ask your mum to remind DD to put it on that certain place and explain why.
So you are basically saying it to your mum but putting the emphasis on DD to not offend her.

I wonder if your mum wants to step back a bit and doesn't know how to tell you, so instead she's letting the house get in a mess in the hope you might say something!??

It's not the only option, you could have a conversation with your own mother! Honestly, the lengths people will go to, to avoid a discussion.

She perhaps got annoyed you started expecting it rather then appreciating it.

I'm at home to work, i cannot decline calls with clients because I need to clean up after my daughters snack or pick up lego. Even as a 13 year old babysitting I always did the washing up abd tidied up the toys and I was barely getting a fiver abd I would never leave my own dirty coffee cup on her coffee table when I'm over in her house. It takes nothing to pop them in the dishwasher

I personally don’t think that’s fair on your mum.

I think because she did it before, she’s set the expectation

i have a similar situation to you. As the years have gone by my dc are older and mum is older, I expect less from mum.

just ask her to tidy the toys and do light tidying / wash up her dishes rather than expect full cleaning.

that’s exhausting

@Airwaverly I mean it's your child and therefore your mess. Why are you struggling so badly with clearing up after one child? Yes, it's great if you can just finish work and start cooking tea, but not everyone has that privilege.