AIBU to expect grandparents to ask to spend time with grandchildren?

[Mcfluffin]

I dont want to give too much away in terms of situation, but, just need some input or thoughts from others please. I dont know if the title is controversial, as I have seen a lot of threads about worn out grandparents being taken advantage of for free childcare, this isnt that.

Im struggling, I guess, in that my child only spends a small amount of time with one set of their grandparents. (Other set are hands on).

They dont reach out or initiate anything. We invite them to things such as a farm trip, which they do join us on.

We havent asked for any form of childcare and dont have these expectations. Its more that I am wondering if they are too polite to ask to spend some 1-1 bonding time?

And what's with this modern obsession with "bonding". What does it even mean?

I’ve only heard about “bonding” on here mainly around meeting a newborn before the vernix is dry and if you make family wait longer than they want don’t expect offers of childcare.

They probably just don’t want to. I’m divorced and my ex mil told her son not to come round EOW with the kids as it was too much. Contrary to popular belief many grandparents aren’t fussed.

Yes I think that’s the way to go - make it very casual rather than an accusation - if they don’t take you up on it that’s in their court then

From this thread and others, Im realising a lot of grandparents arent 🤣 no judgement from me, but I am surprised. Heres me worrying im too closed off. I guess we all just have different values.

Its interesting that once a month is normal for some, so maybe I am over thinking this. I guess I was raised slightly differently in that my grandparents looked after me a lot on the weekends (which is not what I am expecting at all, but that was my normal). They still worked until I was a teenager and I guess wanted quality time with me and my siblings on a weekend.

Im not certain bonding is a modern concept, families and relationships are built on strong connections/bonds are they not? But maybe, I should have worded it differently as in them having that 'relationship building time'.

Im not criticising or judging by the way. Its just interesting reading the difference in peoples normal.

Just be thankful you have one set of hands-on grandparents - lots of us have no family support.

I am incredibly lucky in that respect.

I think everyone’s circumstances and preferences are different and unlike parenthood which has come with obligations and expectations since biblical times, there has never been the same for grandparents. If they are still alive they may play a significant role in their grandchildren’s lives but their parents may have decided to move to Australia and no one thinks any the worse of the parents for doing so. Which obviously would be quite unfair if they are otherwise always expected to always play a major role in their life. I appreciated the time I spent with my grandparents and the treats they went to the effort to buy me, trips to fun places, the latest toy for Christmas etc, I don’t think they ever saw their role as to provide childcare or respite care for my parents but would have if the genuine need arose. They were an important part in my life but not comparable to my parents in anyway, which is similar to how I see my role. They played a much more significant role in the lives of the grandchildren who lived nearby them and can see would probably be the same with my grandchildren too, probably more to the parents resentment than it bothering the actual grandchildren

You don't have to see your grandparents that often to love them. I saw my grandad every few months growing up and loved the bones of the man.

My children have a heavily involved set of gran parents and set of grandparents that see them once a year by choice. The children have a better relationship with the heavily involved grandparents than the absent ones. I do think though that absent grandparents tend to be crap parents to the adult child. She was detached the day he was born and had no interest being a loving a mother and did the bare minimum. My mother was a loving that cared for me in every way. She is the same with her gran children.

Can you identify situations, activities or times of the week that would work well for you and then invite them as a starting point? Then build from there.
We are free on Saturday afternoon maybe we could come over and go to the park/cafe/farm together.
Tuesday afternoon is good for us would you like to come over for an easy tea and play with the children.
We are going to the supermarket on Sunday shall we call in for a cuppa on the way.
You may get a better feel for how much input they actually want.

My kids have one of each type too.
My parents (separated) are less involved than my mil is. My dad will arrange family get togethers a few times a year but he and his wife have never had the kids by themselves but will message asking after them once a week or so.
My mum will ask maximum once a month/two months and will take the eldest out for a few hours. I ask on the odd occasion if she could have them (usually only one of the two) if we have plans and need a babysitter. I think she very much expects me to bring them to see her as that’s what she did with us and her parents (every weekend without fail).
MiL asks for have them at least every other week and will take them for days out and have them for sleepovers (more the eldest as youngest is still fairly young).
My parents both still work and MiL doesn’t so this could be a factor. Mum says she’s too tired on a weekend after working all week.

I know every family is different and this wouldn’t work for a lot of people, but what works for us is routine.

When I was growing up, we had Sunday dinner with both sets of grandparents every other week. This obviously was flexible around holidays/if something else came up, but generally was every fortnight. I went to my Nan and grandads for a few hours after school on a Monday, and grandmas for tea on a Thursday.

Im on maternity leave at the moment and my mum and dad come to spend the day with us every Monday.

However my partners family are very different, and they just “pop round” whenever they like. It annoys me often, especially when they don’t message first to let us know. They’ll take the baby out once a month or so, to a farm or the park, and that’s usually organised in advance.

I just find the routine helpful as everyone knows where they are. No unexpected visits or drop ins, no one feeing slighted that they’ve not been invited to do something, no one worrying they are over stepping by initiating a get together.

we dont like to impose
i guess in your own parents there is a more easy going relationship

i would love to see my grandson every day but i must take a step back

My in laws never initiated contact, and certainly never wanted any alone time with our kids! My DH would contact them every month or so and suggest we visit or they come to us. There was never a ‘oh yes we’d love to’ (both retired), more a ‘well let us look at our diary and get back to you’. That’s just the way they were (and it was the same with all their grandkids).

I think you’ve said already, but this is your partners folks right- so your in-laws? May I ask if your partner has wondered about this to?

I only ask because I feel this is a classic case of the female in the relationship taking on the mental load of communication with both sides of the family, making sure everyone is happy and all of that.

I’d be curious about how your partner feels about their level of involvement and if they are motivated do anything to increase it.

I’m making some assumptions here that you’re a female in a heterosexual relationship so do correct me if I’m wrong. Basically, you sound very thoughtful and kind to worry about how they feel, but wondering if it’s your mental load to bear, if you see what I mean.

My experience with both sets of grandparents is that they don’t initiate it. They help out when asked - e.g I have a hospital appointment next week, I can leave my little boy with them and all will be fine - but they don’t ask for one-on-one time. We do things together as a family (every week). I’d find it a bit strange if they said they wanted a Saturday with him alone - I think the default is that children are with their parents and you ask if you need a break/ childcare.

I do think this concern is a modern phenomenon. I hardly knew my Grandparents as they lived in another country but would visit with my parents once a year. We also write to each other. When I had children my parents were still working. My husband and I would visit their town about once a week and we’d also spend special days like Christmas with them. There was no ‘one on one’ time. That’s not what GP’s were for. Parents patented. No one I knew had regular child minding services provided either. Now with my GC I’ve spent lots of time with him and we’ve always gone to festivals and camping together. But it’s sort of just evolved that way. I’ve had more time than my parents had and only the one GC. I also live in the same town. But I don’t feel obliged to. I happen to really enjoy his company. DD would never ever expect anything

I think going on days out with you is enough. Not everyone would want 1-1 time with kids.

They're from the generation where everyone was expected to have kids, there will be so many grandparents that if born in this generation may have opted to never have them.

Ask them?
As the kids are getting older, they would love to spend more time with you. Maybe one at a time?
Makes it clear its not for childcare but so kids form a closer bond.