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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect grandparents to ask to spend time with grandchildren?

71 replies

Mcfluffin · 28/04/2026 12:38

I dont want to give too much away in terms of situation, but, just need some input or thoughts from others please. I dont know if the title is controversial, as I have seen a lot of threads about worn out grandparents being taken advantage of for free childcare, this isnt that.

Im struggling, I guess, in that my child only spends a small amount of time with one set of their grandparents. (Other set are hands on).

They dont reach out or initiate anything. We invite them to things such as a farm trip, which they do join us on.

We havent asked for any form of childcare and dont have these expectations. Its more that I am wondering if they are too polite to ask to spend some 1-1 bonding time?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 28/04/2026 13:38

Sounds like they're trying to be polite and guided by yourselves to me. Do they have other grandchildren? Do they work still?
I would just invite them to more things, how old are your children? Old enough to talk on the phone or face time?

Spookyspaghetti · 28/04/2026 13:41

Ask in a casual way: “Oh now little Jimmy is a bit older feel free to take him out just the three of you if you like.”

If they do/don’t take you up on it you have your answer.

Original poster
Mcfluffin · 28/04/2026 13:41

dontmalbeconme · 28/04/2026 12:51

Why does it need to be 1 on 1 time? Surely it's perfectly possible to bond with your grandchildren on a family day out? Easier, in fact, if you're not needing to supervise or parent, so can just enjoy chatting and playing.

Edited

It certainly doesnt have to be 1-1 time, but I guess just wondering if they may want that, but feel they cant ask? Its more that I feel we are very seperate. There's been some helpful comments about initiating discussion, I think I will ask them. Im just getting everyones perspectives as I tend to just bumble ahead with things and come accross too pushy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mcfluffin · 28/04/2026 13:42

Spookyspaghetti · 28/04/2026 13:41

Ask in a casual way: “Oh now little Jimmy is a bit older feel free to take him out just the three of you if you like.”

If they do/don’t take you up on it you have your answer.

I really like this idea, thank you.

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 28/04/2026 13:43

There are plenty of threads on here where parents are unhappy that the DGP want to see the DC alone, and not have the parents there. Why do you need them to have more time with the DGC? They are involved by the sounds of it.

Original poster
Mcfluffin · 28/04/2026 13:44

TomatoSandwiches · 28/04/2026 13:38

Sounds like they're trying to be polite and guided by yourselves to me. Do they have other grandchildren? Do they work still?
I would just invite them to more things, how old are your children? Old enough to talk on the phone or face time?

They only have ours and are retired so trying to work out what they would like or works best for them. Im gonna initiate more and see how they react! Thank you

OP posts:
BruFord · 28/04/2026 13:44

I was surprised at how little contact my IL's wanted with our children. They were keen when they were babies but backed off when DD was about three. I think they couldn't deal with lively young children.

Now my children are 20 and 17, they're more interested again as they can sit and have adult conversations with them. It's a shame as they're not as close as my Dad is with my children, but they made their choice.

Sunisgettinganewhaton · 28/04/2026 13:46

Maybe they don't want to impose on your work- free time.

Original poster
Mcfluffin · 28/04/2026 14:00

Meadowfinch · 28/04/2026 12:58

Maybe they have full interesting lives or were never keen on the toddler phase of child rearing in the first place. Perhaps they find the type of day out you are thinking of as horribly expensive on a pension. Do you invite them to vist? Do you visit them?

My dm wasn't keen. She wanted a range of photos on the mantelpiece but in her later years she found the reality of children too noisy, too energetic, too disruptive.

I think many people underestimate how tired elderly people can get. I'm in my 60s, a weekly park runner, fit and healthy with a teen still at home, and a full time job, but I couldn't cope with a toddler for more than an hour or so except in an emergency.

Money is no issue for them. Also, when we invite them, we pay for us all (usually online as its cheaper!). Sometimes they insist on paying too. They are very generous.

I guess I compare the two sets of grandparents and wonder if as they are the in-laws, they cant text or ring me? Its such a sensitive topic from all the other mumsnet threads I have read.

Im also quite bad at reading/understanding social situations!

But yes, they may also hate the baby and/or toddler phase or find it tiring!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mcfluffin · 28/04/2026 14:06

saraclara · 28/04/2026 13:24

Its perfectly possible that they don’t want to overly intrude and be demanding (especially if they read MN…).

That. As a grandmother on Mumsnet, I've been almost completely put off ever inviting myself to see my DD and grandkids. And if I do, I feel a bit anxious pressing send on the message.

But yes OP, I'm not sure why you didn't take the opportunity to respond to their 'we don't see the grandchildren enough' comment with an invitation for them to get in touch whenever they like to ask if they can take them out/have them for a few hours.

Edited

It's sad isnt it with the opposing views and then you feel like you cant do right from wrong on both sides! I will be clearer and firmer next time I see them. I have always said they can always spend time with GC if they would like and they say thanks but we've never had a full on discussion about it.

OP posts:
Holesinmesocks · 28/04/2026 14:09

Op lost me at the 'bonding' bit, I don't wish to be glued to anyone thanks.
GP are all different, personally I'm not particulary interested in my step gc. That probably makes me a selfish cow. Not really bothered either way.

Original poster
Mcfluffin · 28/04/2026 14:11

LadyDanburysHat · 28/04/2026 13:43

There are plenty of threads on here where parents are unhappy that the DGP want to see the DC alone, and not have the parents there. Why do you need them to have more time with the DGC? They are involved by the sounds of it.

Im not sure if I have replied as I have recieved quite a few, but I dont need them to have 1-1 time, im wondering if they might feel left out as they dont have that. So my dilema is, I initiate trips, get togethers etc, but never ask for them to babysit. But as they are in laws, do they feel they cant ask? We have a lovely relationship im just not used to the family dynamics or good with reading situations. Do I expect or wait for them to initiate or do I suggest it? Theres a fine line between pushing them in to a situation they dont want and making them feel left out.

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 28/04/2026 14:17

If they are in laws and you don't feel comfortable approaching them with it, then perhaps your husband can. I would imagine if GPs were happy to baby sit they probably would have said, oh let us know if you ever need a babysitter, so perhaps they don't want that.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/04/2026 14:17

Mcfluffin · 28/04/2026 12:51

This is my dilema! I dont want to impose, but also sometimes they say they are bored or miss seeing grandchild and I feel guilty! Its so difficult to work out.

I think this is the bit where you’re struggling? They don’t initiate but then say they’re bored and miss DGC?

I would say to them - our life with little kids feels like a military operation sometimes - if you’re feeling bored please do reach out and suggest a meet up, so that we can put something in the calendar. We’d love to see you, but time flies by a bit when we’re dashing around”

Surely anyone would understand that?

Original poster
Mcfluffin · 28/04/2026 14:19

NothingHereAnymore · 28/04/2026 12:47

Perhaps they feel like asking is over stepping boundaries.
It's a bloody minefield...if they ask they are impeding on family days, if they don't ask they are seen as cold and uncaring.

Agree. I dont want to push them in to anything either. I guess im just reading through the replies for some balance so I can speak to them openly and not make them feel forced or left left out 🤣

I'll probably put my foot in it somehow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mcfluffin · 28/04/2026 14:20

Sanch1 · 28/04/2026 13:01

Neither sets of grandparents in my life offer or initiate contact with my kids. They babysit if asked and come to things if we invite them but dont think either has every asked if they can see/take kids out/see them. Some people just dont.

This makes me sad! Im sorry you dont have that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mcfluffin · 28/04/2026 14:21

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/04/2026 14:17

I think this is the bit where you’re struggling? They don’t initiate but then say they’re bored and miss DGC?

I would say to them - our life with little kids feels like a military operation sometimes - if you’re feeling bored please do reach out and suggest a meet up, so that we can put something in the calendar. We’d love to see you, but time flies by a bit when we’re dashing around”

Surely anyone would understand that?

Show quote history

It is. And you've pretty much summed up what I need to say to them thank you for your advice x

OP posts:
HAPPILYMARRIEDSINCE2012 · 28/04/2026 14:27

NothingHereAnymore · 28/04/2026 12:47

Perhaps they feel like asking is over stepping boundaries.
It's a bloody minefield...if they ask they are impeding on family days, if they don't ask they are seen as cold and uncaring.

This... so many time I have read here that grandparents are asking too much and want to see the grand kids all the time. They honestly can't win.

Original poster
Mcfluffin · 28/04/2026 14:29

HAPPILYMARRIEDSINCE2012 · 28/04/2026 14:27

This... so many time I have read here that grandparents are asking too much and want to see the grand kids all the time. They honestly can't win.

Show quote history

I know. Its such a sensitive topic, hence why im asking for perspective before I speak to them.

OP posts:
SparkyBlue · 28/04/2026 14:37

My own parents never took my DC out for the day or did overnights with them or ever took them just to give me “a break” for a few hours. Now they were good for occasional emergency childcare if the DC were too unwell to attend childcare which we really appreciated but I was always stressed asking them. DHs parents are both dead. I know my parents do love my DC but my mother said she was happy her child rearing years were behind her which I can understand. However my DC are getting older and don’t have a particularly close relationship with my parents and that’s their own fault. So what I’m trying to say is that not all grandparents want to do childminding even if it’s only for an hour or two

CurlewKate · 28/04/2026 14:40

If they read Mumsnet they probably won’t ask because they will be worried about “overstepping”.

CraftandGlamour · 28/04/2026 14:52

Just talk to them. Or get DH to. As you've acknowledged already, GPs come in all shapes and sizes and different level of engagement. They sound pretty engaged to me. Not every GP wants to be hands on but you'll only find out if you talk to them.

Betterinthesunshine · 28/04/2026 15:04

I’m a grandparent but also still raising young children so know how tiring it can be. I have noticed many parents expectations these days seems sky high when it comes to their parents role in raising their children and thus wasn’t something I expected when I became a grandparent. I do love my DGC and enjoy seeing them and treating them when we can afford it but to me it isn’t anything like being a parent, I’d miss them if I never saw them and feel very blessed to have GC but it’s not like I pine for them the same way I do when going to pick up my little ones from nursery/school or feel the same subconscioussuper tuned in/attentiveness I do towards my own children: They are special as they are part of my own much loved DC and lovely kids but it isn’t the same. I treasured my grandparents and enjoyed their visits/going to visit them, treats, advice etc even though only saw them occasionally. Spending time with small children is exhausting and often quite tedious, when I eventually get chance to retire, kids grown up etc and have a rest I can imagine it would be nice to do occasionally but not e.g every week, perhaps the outing you have invited them on feel enough for them

PinkEasterbunny · 28/04/2026 15:09

Strictly speaking I'm a step Grandparent. DH and I live approx 3 hours from DSS and his partner and their baby. We probably see them every 6 weeks or so, for a couple of hours. We've found a really nice place to meet half-way. DH and I are both in our 50s and work full time. It seems to work well.

We don't have 121 time with our granddaughter.

ginasevern · 28/04/2026 15:28

Once a month sounds about right and "normal". And what do you mean by 1 on 1 time? I only ever saw my grandparents when we visited them about once a month for tea or Sunday lunch with my parents. We'd maybe all go for a picnic in the summer. I always enjoyed that time. That's enough surely? And what's with this modern obsession with "bonding". What does it even mean? The kids know who their grandparents are and will love them regardless - assuming they're nice people which they sound like.