AIBU to expect grandparents to ask to spend time with grandchildren?

[Mcfluffin]

I dont want to give too much away in terms of situation, but, just need some input or thoughts from others please. I dont know if the title is controversial, as I have seen a lot of threads about worn out grandparents being taken advantage of for free childcare, this isnt that.

Im struggling, I guess, in that my child only spends a small amount of time with one set of their grandparents. (Other set are hands on).

They dont reach out or initiate anything. We invite them to things such as a farm trip, which they do join us on.

We havent asked for any form of childcare and dont have these expectations. Its more that I am wondering if they are too polite to ask to spend some 1-1 bonding time?

I don't think either my parents or ILs particularly initiate anything as both sets are retired and don't need to organise much in advance, while my life feels like a military operation most of the time 😂When they're with the kids, they're great! Why is them initiating stuff important? Do they get on well with the children when they're with them?

I don’t think you should expect it. It’s nice if grandparents want to see their grandchildren, and it sounds like they do spend time with your child. Not all grandparents want to be heavily involved.

You can't change how they feel and behave - if other grandparents are interested focus on that.

My DP had little to no interest in my kids once sister had hers- nothing I did or said changed that and it was particularly annoying as they'd been upset by our DGP doing same to their kids. It often hurt and was a surprise but it was what it was. They never came on any suggested trips at all only wanted to see kids in our house and we weren't made welcome in theirs when made trip over.

Now my kids are nearly adults or adults - they have a strong relationship with IL (they never did childcare or even babysat ) - who I don't always get on with but kids do - and not much of one with my remaining parent.

Perhaps they feel like asking is over stepping boundaries.
It's a bloody minefield...if they ask they are impeding on family days, if they don't ask they are seen as cold and uncaring.

Define ‘a small amount of time’

once a week, twice a week, once a fortnight, more, less?

I dont know, im just looking for perspective I guess and whats normal. I feel like they could go weeks and not contact if we didnt! I get a guilt that they think they cant just ask to do something if this makes sense? They are great with DC when all together!

Once every 2-3 weeks, sometimes longer.

Assuming they're your ILs and you don't understand their dynamic? What does your partner say? I'd let them worry about this instead of you. If it's your parents, can you just ask?

This is my dilema! I dont want to impose, but also sometimes they say they are bored or miss seeing grandchild and I feel guilty! Its so difficult to work out.

Why does it need to be 1 on 1 time? Surely it's perfectly possible to bond with your grandchildren on a family day out? Easier, in fact, if you're not needing to supervise or parent, so can just enjoy chatting and playing.

I feel like they could go weeks and not contact if we didnt! I get a guilt that they think they cant just ask to do something if this makes sense? They are great with DC when all together!

Talk to them then - ask if there anything they'd like to do with the kids - give them an opening to suggest things or initiate and see if they respond. Make it clear your open to them asking to spend more time with the kids.

If they take up any suggestions you make that's a good thing currently - at least you and the kids aren't constantly being turned down when you suggest things.

If they say they're bored, or missing grandchildren, can you just ask if they want to see them more often?

Ask them OP.

Once every 2-3 weeks, sometimes longer.

So have you had a straightforward discussion with them to ask if they would like to see them more often or do more as a whole family or would like some sort of regular arrangement?

Its perfectly possible that they don’t want to overly intrude and be demanding (especially if they read MN…).

Situation is also relevant to the question you are asking. Are they down the street or the other side of the country, are they in still in work (paid or unpaid), are they fit and able etc.

Maybe they have full interesting lives or were never keen on the toddler phase of child rearing in the first place. Perhaps they find the type of day out you are thinking of as horribly expensive on a pension. Do you invite them to vist? Do you visit them?

My dm wasn't keen. She wanted a range of photos on the mantelpiece but in her later years she found the reality of children too noisy, too energetic, too disruptive.

I think many people underestimate how tired elderly people can get. I'm in my 60s, a weekly park runner, fit and healthy with a teen still at home, and a full time job, but I couldn't cope with a toddler for more than an hour or so except in an emergency.

I think if they are saying this then it's reasonable to start a conversation about how they might like to see more of them (and what form that might take).

They may of course be being polite but, esp if they are your partners parents, they may be being very careful not to impose.

DD adores my mum… but she only see her every 3 months or so. We live ~250 miles apart and although DM is nearly 80, she still works and I work full time, do we have to work around those. It’s not about the frequency, it’s about the quality of time you spend together.

Neither sets of grandparents in my life offer or initiate contact with my kids. They babysit if asked and come to things if we invite them but dont think either has every asked if they can see/take kids out/see them. Some people just dont.

Depending on your family, health, where they live, financial situation seeing your child once a fortnight I would not count as terrible at all.
I am sure there are plenty who see their grandchildren a lot less.
Some people do expect to almost speak or see each other every other day . Some marry into families who are like that. But not every family is.
I wouldn’t worry about it.

Are they retired or still working? I go longer than that sometimes for seeing my parents but that’s normal to me because I’m busy with work etc

That's loads!

Talk to them, encourage them to make plans with the kids. If they don't, ask them to join you on things. Honestly, as I've said on here a million times, GPs can have wonderful relationships with their GCs even if they see them once a year. Mine do.

Its perfectly possible that they don’t want to overly intrude and be demanding (especially if they read MN…).

That. As a grandmother on Mumsnet, I've been almost completely put off ever inviting myself to see my DD and grandkids. And if I do, I feel a bit anxious pressing send on the message.

But yes OP, I'm not sure why you didn't take the opportunity to respond to their 'we don't see the grandchildren enough' comment with an invitation for them to get in touch whenever they like to ask if they can take them out/have them for a few hours.

There's not really going to be an average/normal amount. Some grandparents are second parents, some can't be arsed. I think your situation sounds perfectly normal. I don't understand why you haven't asked them or suggested "you're welcome to pop by more often" etc whatever it is that you'd like. You're not a mind reader and neither are they. They might be trying to let you lead and respecting your boundaries.

It sounds to me like they are hinting they would be happy with more contact but don't know whether you want it or not and don't want to be pushy.

If they have hinted more is good AND you want it, just invite them. 'do you want to catch up sometime this weekend?' is all you need to say.

If your DC are young, there is plenty of time to develop the relationship you want, but taken the lead.