To try and get pregnant at 46

[Whywoojjh]

I’m 46 and would like to try for my first child is this too late? I’m also 47 in July

Oh I do hear what you are saying re context and that is fair. I also acknowledged context points in my last message. I don't think IVF is better or worse than natural - having a child at all, even naturally, is about personal wants. Arguably at least with IVF every child is a conscious choice compared with natural where it isnt always a plan and in the best circumstances. I don't agree a decision to have kids is inherently entirely selfish either (though agree mostly it is). There's also non selfish things too. There is an element of social responsibility on having children if you can and would be a good parent/want to as it helps society continue and generates workers, tax payers and skilled people that could go on to help society in huge ways.

Even if we ignored any non selfish reason to have kids, and agreed it always is selfish, you can still assess what are better or worse circumstances to bring a child into and reduce selfishness - its even more selfish to bring them into a situation that isnt good for them.

I me at my partner late in life having had an absent father. The father of any possible children was important to me

Going to be honest I hadn’t replied as felt upset by the replies.

I'm sorry you were upset by the replies OP. From this thread I would take the fact that some people have posted here who have had babies at your age and don't regret it. it is not impossible but it is unlikely for you to both get pregnant and not to have a miscarriage. So there's that to consider. If you can afford it, there are IVF options involving donor eggs, which is by no means guaranteed to work. So there's also that to consider. I wouldn't bother considering any anonymous speculation about your character etc. You know if you are secure enough physically, emotionally and financially to embark on trying for a baby at this stage of your life, we don't. If you do try and things don't work out, I would suggest talking through some limits with your partner and a therapist. Difficulties TTC (which are much more likely at 47 years old) can have an enormous impact on a relationship and once the process is underway, it can be really hard to step back, to not just keep hoping and spending more money and driving yourself crazy. It can become all-consuming and soul-destroying so is best to go into it prepared. I wish you all the best of luck whatever you decide.

@Franpie why do you think it’s easier to get pregnant if you’ve been pregnant before? Just interested, is that scientifically proven?

@Whywoojjh please ignore people saying you’ve left it too late. They’ve no idea about your life! It’s also not necessarily too late. If you feel like you want to and you’re ready for it then why the hell not try! You have options if anything is wrong with the baby (of course not easy). Do you have financial support/good financial situation? If so I think in a scenario with a baby that can go a long way :)

I wouldn’t.

I had my last at 40 and my god, the difference between having a toddler/preschooler/now 6 year old to having my first two at 22 and 33 is staggering.

You have your own reasons for wanting to though, which are valid. I only had my last at 40 as my husband (father of two youngest) is 6 years younger than me. I know age is meaningless with things like illness - my own mother was dead by 40, yet my father, who was 46 when I was born, lived to 90. But age played on my mind and if dh had been the same age as me or older, we wouldn’t have had another child.

Difficult one. Anecdotally I had two friends with much older parents at school. One was an only child whose mother thought she was menopausal but turned out to be pregnant at 48. They hadn’t wanted children but were great parents and she had a very good life. To my knowledge they’re still alive, her grandparents lived until she was well into her 20s as well even though they were in their 90s!

Had another friend who had a brother who was 25 years older than her, her parents were early 50s when she was born. She was quite embarrassed about her parents, they were at least 20 years older than any of our parents. She was also an aunt at three which is … different.

I’m inclined to say it’s fine as long as you have your eyes wide open to the difficulties you may face. You obviously have a very low chance of naturally conceiving anyway, and then if you do have a higher risk of foetal anomalies. Even if all goes to plan, you’ll be shattered and in your mid 60s when they start uni. Still, many famous people do it. I think Victoria Coren Mitchell had a baby at 51 a couple of years ago so it happens.

That’s just what the fertility doctor said to my friend when she was trying to conceive her first at 44. She ended up having to go down the ivf route at 45 apparently due to it being harder to conceive in your 40’s if you’ve never conceived before. I think that’s just what the stats said.

I guess it kind of makes sense. If you’ve been on contraceptives your whole life up to that point? But I don’t know the reason, just guessing.

But she asked for people's opinions. Of course we have no idea about her life 🙄or anyone else's on an ANONYMOUS site.

Why then tell her to ignore people's replies, when she has asked for them??

I became naturally pregnant at 46 and a half. I miscarried, it was all a bit dramatic, and I presume the stress and hormones drove me straight into menopause.

Fortunately I had a very easy menopause, but it was a hell of a shock to the system, so might be something to bear in mind.

@DS445C I said ignore references to leaving it too late. Because that’s not factually correct.

People are only telling you what they would or wouldn’t do, but you do you.

I wouldn’t. I am 42 this year and have one child, had him in my early 30s and he is enough for me. I did accidentally fall pregnant 2 years ago which was a shock but decided on a termination. No idea if I could get pregnant naturally now but I definitely don’t want to so I take contraception!

@Franpie that’s interesting, thanks for sharing

I'm presuming that it's because you have proven to be fertile before. So if you try and cant gey pg at 25, you would then find out after a while you had fertility issue. No one knows if there is a non age related issue until they ttc

I absolutely understand the ache to have a child as I went through years of infertility before having a child at 40. And to be honest I don’t know when I would have given up trying as I was so desperate.

But I’m sorry to say I do agree with most of the posters here. Mostly because of how vulnerable your child would be as you age. I am constantly doing the mental calculations about what age my child would be if I died in my sixties etc and I am so aware of my health. I think if you did have a child you would probably feel some guilt at your decision.

Don’t be upset OP. Plenty of people would never consider having kids in their 40’s, just like plenty of people would never consider having them in their early 20’s (me included!).

You do what’s right for you.

Have you had your fertility checked? Have you tried to conceive naturally? I think you need to get moving very quickly as you’ll likely need a bit of medical intervention to get pregnant.

One thing of having a child at 40 myself was knowing I had three older kids. I don't want my youngest wrapping up my estate if I die while she is at uni or a young adult. She would be disadvantaged but not sorting out my will of LPA..

I guess it's fine to not look ahead or plane but as a pp has just said, you do find your mind going there. I also have to think could I pay for private boarding school if she was orphaned before 18. Mil had dh age 20 but even so, in laws are too old to take on the kids if I was too die and both my parents are dead. So what your support group looks like for the next 20 years isn't to be sniffed at

From what I understand those statistics are affected by the fact that fewer people having children are having a first at that age.

Generally speaking, secondary infertility is nearly as common as primary infertility: in other words, having one doesn't necessarily make it subsequently easier.

Ultimately, statistics are just that: they don't tell us about you individually OP.

I think you have had a hard time on this thread and the comments about poor baby etc are just rude and, up to a point, misinformed. Pregnancy isn't the be all and end all of parenting, and lots of the worst parents (and most unfortunate babies) are born to parents who were younger.

Book to see a good fertility specialist and explore your options OP.

One thing of having a child at 40 myself was knowing I had three older kids. I don't want my youngest wrapping up my estate if I die while she is at uni or a young adult. She would be disadvantaged but not sorting out my will of LPA..

It is easy to arrange to outsource this.

ETA and children of young parents are also orphaned.

It is too late in a lot of people's opinions. And the fact that so many people have to have IVF to conceive that late in life also shows it is too late and a woman's body isn't made to have a child at age. Fact

The anecdotes of Great Aunt Mabel having a child naturally at 47/48/49 are so rare which is why people say them. If it was common then no-one would bring it up.

I am so sorry you have been upset by replies here.

People will make all kinds of judgments but the bottom line is, that this is your life.

My experience- first child born when I was 39, less than 3 monrhs before i turned 40.
Second born when I was 45 (to his birth mum) and adopted age 3 and a bit by me and dh when we were 49.

There are some considerations to take into account.

For me life has not been too difficult as we have enough money and my husband is very supportive and involved in family life.

Realistically, your chances of a successful pregnancy are low, but worth going for it if you and your partner want this.

Be prepared to look into IUI and/or IVF if needed.

Your chances will be higher if you can use an egg donor.

Adoption is not for everyone but worth considering fostering and/or adoption if you think this may be right for you.

Some people become parents in their 40s. Don't let people here upset you. The decision is for you.

I wish you all the very best.

People are forgetting people have different biological aging some people are healthy and fertile well into their 40s and some people are not. I think if your naturally still fertile nature is giving you the green light. Also of course it’s not easier for people who have already had children to get pregnant in their 40s l, although some who don’t have kids, may have had a biological reason why they didn’t.

but at late 40s there needs to be some consideration for the actual child rather than the wants and needs of the parents.

The sad reality of life is that there isn't any consideration for children as far as conception goes. Parents aren't vetoed. That is why children are born to families with toxic interactions, to couples who are badly suited, to families where there is violence and aggression, to parents who do drugs, to parents who are more focused on their own lives, to partnerships where both parents already have failed relationships and the children end up being crammed into living arrangements that cannot accommodate them all (see the blended family/ relationship boards). And, of course, children are born to parents who totally unpredictably and unwittingly become ill or have an accident and die young.

When all the above scenarios make up such a significant proportion of the lives that babies are being born into everyday, I hardly think older parents who are settled and financially secure is the thing we need to be focusing on in terms of consideration of the child. I know a boy who was born to parents when his Dad was in his 50's and mum very late 40's. He's grown up now (in his forties) but was a much loved child who was given every advantage, a lovely academic family who shared many hobbies and loved to travel to fascinating places related to his Dad's area of study. His Dad passed away a few years back (I think the son was 39) but his mum is happily a grandmother and still grows her own tomatoes. But even if she had died 20 years ago, he'd have had a far more fortunate start in life than so many.

Parental age is not the major evil here.

I agree with you, I guess I just think there’s a fair amount of flex in what can be good circumstances. A child that’s loved and wanted, even if they only have their parents for 18 years, has had a lot.