AIBU to continue to pay student DD’s rent when she’ shacking up with her BF?

[Chowpuppy]

Dear all

DP and I need your input and thoughts. Sorry this is long. There’s a whole saga, but this is it in a nutshell.

Our DD is just finishing her 2nd year at University. She works in a pub to supplement her finances, and started going out with a man who works there, 3 months after she moved away from home to become a student. He stayed in her student halls accommodation from the minute they got together - single bed, he’s huge - and he’s never moved out since. He’s 24, she is 19. When it came to 2nd year, we asked that as she was going to be living in a house of 7 girls, that he didn’t stay over more than once a week, primarily to respect privacy of the other girls in the house. I’m not clear whether this has happened or not, and can’t really police this, so try to trust her to do the right thing.

Today she was saying again, that she hates living with other people, that the kitchen is always filthy, no one clear up after themselves, and she can’t get any space to cook in. In a nutshell, she wants to “get a studio” because she doesn’t want to live with other people any more, and she wants us to continue to fund the £500 per month DP and I have been paying her rent plus giving her £50 per week for food etc. I calculate that with working, she has around £320 clear in her hand each month to pay for food and other stuff including going out, clothes, cosmetics etc. She doesn’t have a handle on her outgoings at all, and won’t discuss this with me. She stays in the house all the time, hasn’t made an effort to make friends, hasn’t joined any clubs… just stays in with him, in her room, watching shit on telly or on you tube. She is not the curious, fun, loving, clever, sparky, young person who left us. She has become critical of others, quick to take offence, with no confidence and has gained weight which again makes her confidence low.

She told me last year when she was thinking about moving to go on a years placement, her BF would also be moving to go with her, so her intention was clear - to move in with him on a more formal basis. DP and I gave her the heads up that as she went to University for “the university experience”, that does not include paying for her BF to move in with her. He has a chequered history with drugs, never really worked until this pub job, and he’s older - 24. She trusts every word this guy tells her, to the extent that even when he blatantly lies, she makes excuses for him. My DD told me that his parents don’t like her - they find she’s too quiet. She knows this because her BF told her!

So here is the question. Do we continue to pay her rent for her final year, knowing that her BF will be shacked up in her bedsit? Options DP and I have discussed before speaking with her include: 1. pulling the funding of the rent in its entirety on the basis that living with her BF in a bedsit is not part of “the university experience,” and if she wants to do this, she can get a student loan. 2. paying half the rent for the bedsit on the basis he will pay the other half (ie condoning them living together), 3. continue to pay the £500 rent, regardless as to who or where she’s living and ignore that he’s living there. 4. Continue to pay full £500 if she lives in student accommodation? If you can think of other options, be my guest!

So the AIBU is - AIBU to continue to pay her rent, no questions asked? And / or pick a preferred option / suggest an alternative ☺️

I don’t think you should continue to pay the full amount if they are going to be living together

I think it depends on what sort of relationship you want with her. Pull the plug on her uni support for her final year and things will be damaged. Although you could say the cost of living is making you struggle with support that you will pay half and she can get uni loan for other half.

It’s not controlling to put two conditions on funding a young adult DC: getting marks making the outcome of a reasonable grade of degree likely; living in shared accommodation like almost all students do (not using the funds to live alone with and subsidise a boyfriend)

DC isn’t an independent adult: adults pay their own way.

Just pay what you would if she was sharing. If she wants her own space, she (and her bf) can fund it.

You shouldn't do anything that will fund the boyfriend, but not continuing to fund her might be detrimental to her studies, which you don't want either. I suppose the most important thing is that she finishes her degree. I doubt the relationship will last after uni as they won't be on an equal footing, and without support she may no longer be able to pay the rent and bills and will start to resent him.

This is tricky - and infuriating as you are subsiding the BF as things stand. Does he work at all? Is your DD keeping up with the study elements? I think she has probably already finessed the living without the group as they will have sorted their final year house now.
In your position,I’d be inclined to pay the same amount for rent as you do currently for the final year with the proviso that she shows she has passed her second year and is up to date with her studies. I would not pay a regular amount for food in addition as she can certainly afford that from her earnings - and the BF should be paying his own way in any case.

If OP pays what she would have if her DD was in shared accommodation her DD will use that towards a studio and use OP’s money to subsidise the boyfriend.

Not U to be unwilling to do that.

She doesn’t like ‘strings’, OK, but she’s not financially independent so that’s life.

She can when shes the one funding it! You don't get all the independence with none of the responsibility, that's not how life works.

Mum micromanaging her life would be giving her less responsibility.

I'd continue to fund for the remainder of the degree and use this limited time to try and repair the relationship.

Your DD seems to be holding you at arms length as it is and from an outside perspective it seems justified. You've giving her too much opinion on her life choices for what is appropriate for a young adult and and tbh the way you express yourself it does feel like you do view her, not just her choices, in a dim light.

I think you should try and repair before financial input ends and you only see her on rare duty visits with all chance for genuine relationships gone.

Awkward situation for you and I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes just now.
Ignoring the bf for now I would be trying to have a lot of chats with her to try to find out how things are more broadly. Is she up to date with all uni work? Is she intending to complete 3rd year, if not can she check that there is some way of taking a break and bank her credits? Is she okay mental health wise?
Some universities have halls for post grad students and might allow a final year in. These are usually aimed to be very definitely not party central and might suit her better, bf might not be able to stay obviously.
Student funding in this country forces all involved into odd relationships, the assumption in assessing student loans is that parents will contribute, they are therefore invested in it but their student children are adults so independent and with a right to make their own decisions. I think you need more information before you reach a decision and maybe it should be made along with your daughter?

You pay her the amount you had agreed to and she can do as she pleases with it.

That’s the basis on which I have agreed to fund my DDs uni. She has to get the loan and I am paying my required top up and a bit more but it’s not predicated on how much the rent is and I won’t dictate what she does with it. If she chooses a more expensive room she has less in her pocket. Her choice.

I too would be upset about the boyfriend and his negative impact on her but you really can’t do much about it. You have to hope she ends it at some point. It’s normal to worry about them but you have to let her make her own choices even ones you don’t approve of.

I don't think it is unreasonable to say you will halve your housing contribution to the new accommodation as she will have her BF there to share the rent. Put that out there and see what the response is .....

Continue to give your dd the parental contribution that would be required for her being in shared housing , as she currently is. It's what you'd be paying if he wasn't there.
Any additional cost for them being in a 'studio' , just the two of them ( I presume it's more expensive) is their money to find.

I wouldn’t happy for one if my DC (who’ve been through uni) ended up in this position with a freeloading partner, but there’s not much you can do about it, although I wouldn’t facilitate it in any way.

Communal living at uni can be very tricky - the more in a house, the worse it is so I see the attraction in not having to manage that.
My thinking would be continue with the £500 for rent (we also paid rent) but not spending money - she works so can fund that. Does she get a maintenance loan?

I def wouldn’t fund over and above the 500 - if that’s not enough for the studio so be it. The bf can stump up the rest or she’ll have to find the money.

She's not being micromanaged, she's being told conditions come with living off mum.

It's not the DD's fault that student financing in England expects parents to fund their adult children. OP can decide to put strings on this it, but she should be prepared that DD's answer might be to say "sod it" and drop out of university. Which I do not think is what OP wants.

This DD does have a job as well; she is funding herself to the level that would normally be expected of students.

What’s your expected parental contribution?(difference between max loan and what she can get due to your income)
How much is the rent - a studio will be expensive.

Yeah I’d be furious at this OP and would not be prepared to support a cocklodger. So we wants his younger GF’s parents to pay for his accommodation?! Absolutely not. I would pull the funding entirely and tell her that as she is choosing to behave like a grown woman and shacking up with a grown man when she’s supposed to be focusing on her studies, networking and making friends, then you will treat her as such.

This.
I have heard of more than one silly girl in this position, who threw away their university education on some waster.

Lied and mislead their lovely parents until it eventually went tits up and their place at university was lost.

Funnily enough the losers were nowhere to be sern when their accommodation was gone and they were forced to return home.

Somd brutal lessons had to be learned before they woke up.

Same here. Sad isn’t it - once the possibility of that experience is gone, it’s gone.

I think she's making a mistake but I'd carry on the £500 funding as planned and let her make it. It's the only way she will learn and hopefully it will be a shorter, sharper lesson.

Ultimately she's still progressing in her course so her life is moving forward.

Guess what, it's not OPs fault either, and shes the one who has to pay.
It doesn't sound like shes focused on her studies anyway, I mean if shes willing to drop out and throw away her education for her boyfriend, what makes you think shes not already doing it?

It's interesting isn't it. I had a financial contribution from my parents. It was string free but it would cover basic accommodation.

On what they gave me we could choose between shared rooms, mouldy single rooms, external doors which were 2" shorter than the holes they were supposed to secure meaning the house was freezing... But we had choices. At no point did any of us expect that more expensive choices would result in more money.
I think she's an adult. Money for housing is provided. If she wants more expensive housing, they and the bf can pay the difference. If they don't want to pay the difference, then that's their choice. They have control if the situation . There is no need for them to have control of the parental purse strings too.
Life is about making choices according to what you can afford to do.

Perfect advice

also with studios legally names have to go on tenancies and she needs to set this up as 50/50 with this boyfriend but if he isn’t a student and it’s a student let studio then they may have an issue with this.