AIBU to continue to pay student DD’s rent when she’ shacking up with her BF?

[Chowpuppy]

Dear all

DP and I need your input and thoughts. Sorry this is long. There’s a whole saga, but this is it in a nutshell.

Our DD is just finishing her 2nd year at University. She works in a pub to supplement her finances, and started going out with a man who works there, 3 months after she moved away from home to become a student. He stayed in her student halls accommodation from the minute they got together - single bed, he’s huge - and he’s never moved out since. He’s 24, she is 19. When it came to 2nd year, we asked that as she was going to be living in a house of 7 girls, that he didn’t stay over more than once a week, primarily to respect privacy of the other girls in the house. I’m not clear whether this has happened or not, and can’t really police this, so try to trust her to do the right thing.

Today she was saying again, that she hates living with other people, that the kitchen is always filthy, no one clear up after themselves, and she can’t get any space to cook in. In a nutshell, she wants to “get a studio” because she doesn’t want to live with other people any more, and she wants us to continue to fund the £500 per month DP and I have been paying her rent plus giving her £50 per week for food etc. I calculate that with working, she has around £320 clear in her hand each month to pay for food and other stuff including going out, clothes, cosmetics etc. She doesn’t have a handle on her outgoings at all, and won’t discuss this with me. She stays in the house all the time, hasn’t made an effort to make friends, hasn’t joined any clubs… just stays in with him, in her room, watching shit on telly or on you tube. She is not the curious, fun, loving, clever, sparky, young person who left us. She has become critical of others, quick to take offence, with no confidence and has gained weight which again makes her confidence low.

She told me last year when she was thinking about moving to go on a years placement, her BF would also be moving to go with her, so her intention was clear - to move in with him on a more formal basis. DP and I gave her the heads up that as she went to University for “the university experience”, that does not include paying for her BF to move in with her. He has a chequered history with drugs, never really worked until this pub job, and he’s older - 24. She trusts every word this guy tells her, to the extent that even when he blatantly lies, she makes excuses for him. My DD told me that his parents don’t like her - they find she’s too quiet. She knows this because her BF told her!

So here is the question. Do we continue to pay her rent for her final year, knowing that her BF will be shacked up in her bedsit? Options DP and I have discussed before speaking with her include: 1. pulling the funding of the rent in its entirety on the basis that living with her BF in a bedsit is not part of “the university experience,” and if she wants to do this, she can get a student loan. 2. paying half the rent for the bedsit on the basis he will pay the other half (ie condoning them living together), 3. continue to pay the £500 rent, regardless as to who or where she’s living and ignore that he’s living there. 4. Continue to pay full £500 if she lives in student accommodation? If you can think of other options, be my guest!

So the AIBU is - AIBU to continue to pay her rent, no questions asked? And / or pick a preferred option / suggest an alternative ☺️

I signed up for a student room for dd 25/26 for her Masters for which I am paying til Aug 2026. She decided she didn't like it and has rented an apartment with her boyfriend and sublet the student room. I will continue to pay the rent I agreed to until August and that's that. I don't give her money for anything else other than medical expenses as she works pt. As of August, over to her. As she's an actual adult it's only for me to give advice not tell her what to do. In previous flat shares, some mothers DID try to interfere in stuff and it all went down very badly. Part of growing up is learning to manage these things.

Is she passing her degree so far?

I’d not pay towards a rental for her alone, nor towards a joint contract with the boyfriend, due to his sponging and her poor judgment and decisions.

She wants to live alone with him, she or they can pay for all of it.

Would pay for a room in a shared place.

I would offer to pay half, it’s her final year so not long to go.
my bigger concern is what’s going to happen after? Have you made it clear that this man moocher won’t be coming to live with you if she plans to return home after uni?
Or that you won’t be paying her rent indefinitely when she’s finished? I think that this is the more important conversation to be had.

I wouldn't be paying for her to house a loser.
Not a chance.

My DDs knew how much money they had each month off us to supplement their maintenance loans. We didn’t put limitations on how it was spent. Regarding private renting, your DD will probably need you to be a guarantor - has she actually thought about that?

Ahh this makes me so sad. I had an almost identical situation at uni except I moved in with him in the second year. He was very abusive towards me. I'm now doing a second degree at almost 40 because I feel like my first degree was so clouded!

Anyway, please do not push her away. These type of men thrive on that. Even if you have to be civil toward him, keep that line open for your DD.
I think, now when 3rd year is approaching, really the sociable "uni experience" will be coming to an end anyway. Tell her that if he's living with her next year, he should be paying half (bizarre he isn't anyway) and that is all that you'll pay. Failing that, suggest to her to get a loan and save the money for her as another poster suggested.

Your money needs to come without ties as much as possible. I recognise that must be so difficult in this situation.

Check she is aware that her DBF will need to pay for council tax.

@wallaceinanderland Unfortunately with the student loan system the way it is, students with parents who earn over a certain amount only get the minimum loan which is not enough to cover accommodation and parents are expected to pay the rest. We take our daughter's student loan and put it towards her rent, then we pay her bills, cost of travel home and give her £35 a week for food and laundry. She works during holidays and saves it for extra money for going out, and other purchases. Even if she worked part time during term times there's no way she could afford the accommodation shortfall plus living expenses.

OP I would absolutely not be happy about paying for this boyfriend who isn't paying his way. If they want to live together somewhere that will cost more than where she is now, I'd tell her he would need to pay the difference, and the council tax. You can't tell her how to conduct her relationships but you can refuse to pay more than you are paying now. They, as adults can decide what to do on that basis. Also I would only be continuing to pay for accommodation if I was satisfied her uni education is not being adversely affected by the relationship. ie is she going to her lectures, getting her work done etc.

Option 3. Pay for your DD.
Her bedwarmer is of no concern to you. The Uni experience does include bed warmers and if it’s one guy instead of a series of different men and women, who cares?

The important thing is your DD is housed, fed and passing her degree.

Withdrawing support would only make your DD likely to not graduate and then shack up permanently with loser Larry from the Pub.

She will outgrow him.

And if he is a coercive abusive lazy twat, then withdrawing support will make it highly unlikely she’d ever come to you for help.

I view it as my responsibility to pay for DD’s student housing.

the housing contract typically does not allow for someone to live there that is not on the lease. Does he still have his own place?

I would actually prefer a setup where he maintains a separate address and just visits excessively. It’s pretty normal for young adults this age to sleep over and stay in when they couple up. Signing a lease together means they can’t just end the relationship though.

I would do the second option. Withdrawing all support risks a them against the world response, drawing her further from you. Paying it all encourages him to continue to leech. The middle option is fairer as she is still your daughter who you want to support but he should be contributing (and to be fair should have been throughout).

Signing a lease together means they can’t just end the relationship though.

Exactly right and that traps so many young women in relationships.
If you can pay your DD’s rent and only she is on the tenancy agreement, then she can have the police remove him from her flat.
You would be giving her security.
Making her depend on this guy for anything would be a mistake.

so many questions...

how is her course going?! is she still enjoying it, and doing ok with the studying? is she on track to pass any exams/ get her degree? does she talk to you about any of that stuff?

what does he use as his official address at the moment? where did he stay before moving in with her? his parents' place? it sounds like they live relatively close by...

when does the tenancy for this current shared house end? or does it just roll on? are the other 6 young women planning to stay on there for the next academic year, or do they all have to move out on a certain date?

what is your dd planning to do over the summer - is she going to keep working at the pub during the holidays, or do a different job/ work placement? presumably you live too far away for her to do this and stay at yours?

has she actually looked into her options for next year? are there studios/ bedsits available in the area? how much do they cost? and how come you're paying this arbitrary-sounding £500/ month? was that just based on how much her 1st year accomodation cost?

what happens if you say that you're willing to pay 50% of the rent & bills on this new shared place, and that the 24yo would have to pay for the other 50%, and cover all of the council tax? would his parents be willing and able to act as guarantors for him? if not, it would be better not to have him on the tenancy agreement - you shouldn't be liable for him defaulting on the rent. as other posters have said, not being tied to a joint tenancy might make it easier for your dd to split up with him one day..

any idea if he does his fair share of housework? or does he expect your dd to do the bulk of the cooking/ cleaning/ laundry etc? or does his mum wash his clothes?! does your dd see herself as a feminist? have you introduced her to the term 'cocklodger' yet?!

i'm just hoping she doesn't get pregnant in the next year or so...

We are facing a similar situation. We have paid for three years uni accommodation but DD graduating this summer and has only a part time job which will not cover her rent, bills and living expenses in very expensive uni city. We want her to come home until she secures a first graduate job. She doesn’t want to as bf is in uni city. I’m not prepared to fund her living up there with him as I am not keen on him and think being long distance might help her see the relationship differently. Obviously if she can get work to fund her own lifestyle she’ll stay up there but I’m not contributing anymore to rent after her tenancy ends in July.

No one falls in love as fast as a man who wants to sponge off an unsuspecting woman.

Thanks again for your input.

For context, DD’s BF has paid nothing towards her rent, food or living expenses generally. I think I would feel more positive towards him if he acknowledged that he’s staying there and contributed but there’s been nothing. I can’t imagine he does much housework, but I could be wrong. Yes he stayed with her in first year, yes it’s not allowed, but Halls aren’t monitored so everyone comes and goes, regardless.

DD has not been upfront about BF and her living together next year. She has insinuated this, tested the waters saying he will move with her for wherever her placement will be, and previously spoke about living with him in her final year, but when we said we would happily pay for her to live in shared accommodation, she said how much she hates living with other people and how she wants to live by herself next year. She now says her plan is to get a studio flat to the value of what we have paid this year and top the remainder up with a loan. So she will be taking a loan out for them to live together. He won’t be on any tenancy, so won’t incur council tax, and will continue to be registered at his parents. I am her current guarantor, and likely to be again for next year also.

As she hasn’t done anything about getting a placement, that’s not happening so she will be staying in the University city.

A couple of you have written about the lost opportunity, and I really feel for you, as we don’t get time back again. I also believe my DD will look back on this wasted time but she keeps us at arms length concerning finances and her grades at uni, so tbh it does feel like she’s trying to hide this from us. She said she is enjoying the course which is always a positive - it doesn’t seem like a chore to her, except for the assessments, which she leaves until the last minute. She has not joined any clubs, she’s not going out with friends, but I do understand that she and BF stay in, watch Netflix and You Tube and eat. They don’t go out together to bars, or clubs or do anything to have fun, or visit anywhere, but that’s her choice and if that’s how she wants to live, that’s on her. It’s not how we spent time as a family with her siblings, but maybe she prefers doing nothing. When I try to talk about any of this she closes the conversation down so I understand her well enough to leave it alone. It’s a whole new side to her.

Theres no chance BF would be coming to live with us, as DD has said many times she wont come back home after Uni, but that she might live nearby, so my guess is they’ll get a place on her dime after she’s graduated and he’ll be happy as Larry, feet under the table etc.

Someone asked if she’s a feminist - she definitely was very feminist at school, but now appears to be quite anti-men which isn’t great, but she likes to quote the bear and the man question as if it’s her truth. I think she found the number of predatory men around drunk women worrying in the pub she works in. I find it staggering that given her caution around men, she can’t see this guy coming, tbh, but she is very defensive of him and backs him even when he’s been caught out. Whereas I always found her to be questioning, lively and curious, she’s become more like him, dour and sour, and it doesn’t suit her. There’s a whole back story with him, but probably not relevant to the AIBU. He’s her first real BF; we had a big convo about contraception beforehand and she was sensible enough to protect herself before she started sleeping with him. That’s seems a long time ago now.

He won’t be on any tenancy, so won’t incur council tax,

You don’t have to be a tenant to incur council tax. Any occupant age 18+ counts towards the council tax assuming no exceptions apply.

As she hasn’t done anything about getting a placement,
It is more likely she can’t find one despite applying to many. Placements are very thin on the ground these days.

she is very defensive of him and backs him even when he’s been caught out

What was he caught out doing?

So are you going to give her the money and let her decide or tell her that the money is only on offer if she gets a contract for another shared place?

In your situation I’d do the latter.

I pay my DD’s rent but I pay her actual costs. I’d sit down with her and work out her rent and bills, and then pay half with the expectation that the boyfriend pays the other half. I certainly wouldn’t be subsidising him.

Remember that they’re both working (pub/placement) and she has a student loan so I wouldn’t be making things too comfortable. I’d want to make sure he was with her for her, and not because he’s some hobosexual who needs a place to stay.

It also wouldn’t be unreasonable to ask for evidence that she’s passing her course with OK grades before giving any more money.

I also believe my DD will look back on this wasted time but she keeps us at arms length concerning finances and her grades at uni, so tbh it does feel like she’s trying to hide this from us.

You're mixing up a lot of things in this thread.

1. DD went to university for "the experience" but is missing out because she spends all of her time with her boyfriend
2. You are concerned that the BF is unsuitable and is not paying his way
3. You want are annoyed because your DD keeps you at "arms lengths concerning finances and grades".

So, firstly, take (3) out of the equation. Your DD is an adult. The student loans system requires you to provide financial support as her parent so she is reliant on this but this is not money you are paying because you have a right to know her grades or how she's spending the money. Give her the money or don't give her the money, but it's very controlling to put strings on it.

(1) - I can see why you are concerned, but that's the experience she has chosen. Unless she's stopped going to lectures etc, then "her experience" also includes mixing with academics and other course members, having random conversations, learning to live away from her parents, managing your money etc. I encouraged my daughter to join lots of societies too, but she's actually only joined one, which is a sports club where she doesn't play the sport, so actually she's just involved for the socialising. But you know what? She is happy, and she is getting lots and lots of intangible benefits out of going to university. And it's not my business! If you're a family where you always did lots of things, actually her experience might simply be exploring a different type of lifestyle?

(2) - Telling your adult child you dislike their boyfriend never ends well. You can give gentle suggestions, and you can be there if and when the pieces fall apart, but ultimately your daughter has to live her life.

I'd not pay for my child to live with a partner. Too much potential to go wrong and then she'd have to move. Better spending uni making friends you could have for life. Put your foot down: option 1. I'd cut off the other money as well. Maybe the leech will give up if she's not got the funds. Remind her of the interest that builds on student debt and thst she shouldn't be getting into debt to fund her boyfriend. It's not healthy.

I’d suggest 50/50 give her half what you used to and bf can pay the rest.