AIBU to continue to pay student DD’s rent when she’ shacking up with her BF?

[Chowpuppy]

Dear all

DP and I need your input and thoughts. Sorry this is long. There’s a whole saga, but this is it in a nutshell.

Our DD is just finishing her 2nd year at University. She works in a pub to supplement her finances, and started going out with a man who works there, 3 months after she moved away from home to become a student. He stayed in her student halls accommodation from the minute they got together - single bed, he’s huge - and he’s never moved out since. He’s 24, she is 19. When it came to 2nd year, we asked that as she was going to be living in a house of 7 girls, that he didn’t stay over more than once a week, primarily to respect privacy of the other girls in the house. I’m not clear whether this has happened or not, and can’t really police this, so try to trust her to do the right thing.

Today she was saying again, that she hates living with other people, that the kitchen is always filthy, no one clear up after themselves, and she can’t get any space to cook in. In a nutshell, she wants to “get a studio” because she doesn’t want to live with other people any more, and she wants us to continue to fund the £500 per month DP and I have been paying her rent plus giving her £50 per week for food etc. I calculate that with working, she has around £320 clear in her hand each month to pay for food and other stuff including going out, clothes, cosmetics etc. She doesn’t have a handle on her outgoings at all, and won’t discuss this with me. She stays in the house all the time, hasn’t made an effort to make friends, hasn’t joined any clubs… just stays in with him, in her room, watching shit on telly or on you tube. She is not the curious, fun, loving, clever, sparky, young person who left us. She has become critical of others, quick to take offence, with no confidence and has gained weight which again makes her confidence low.

She told me last year when she was thinking about moving to go on a years placement, her BF would also be moving to go with her, so her intention was clear - to move in with him on a more formal basis. DP and I gave her the heads up that as she went to University for “the university experience”, that does not include paying for her BF to move in with her. He has a chequered history with drugs, never really worked until this pub job, and he’s older - 24. She trusts every word this guy tells her, to the extent that even when he blatantly lies, she makes excuses for him. My DD told me that his parents don’t like her - they find she’s too quiet. She knows this because her BF told her!

So here is the question. Do we continue to pay her rent for her final year, knowing that her BF will be shacked up in her bedsit? Options DP and I have discussed before speaking with her include: 1. pulling the funding of the rent in its entirety on the basis that living with her BF in a bedsit is not part of “the university experience,” and if she wants to do this, she can get a student loan. 2. paying half the rent for the bedsit on the basis he will pay the other half (ie condoning them living together), 3. continue to pay the £500 rent, regardless as to who or where she’s living and ignore that he’s living there. 4. Continue to pay full £500 if she lives in student accommodation? If you can think of other options, be my guest!

So the AIBU is - AIBU to continue to pay her rent, no questions asked? And / or pick a preferred option / suggest an alternative ☺️

When we funded our kids through uni we gave them a monthly amount and what they did with it was their problem.

most kids at uni have a boyfriend or girlfriend at some point and spend significant time at each other’s flat.

I’m really not sure why you tried to stop your dd letting her boyfriend stay over in a shared house - this is for the girls themselves to sort out and nothing to do with you.

you may well not approve of him - my kids have had multiple partners I haven’t liked - but pulling funding because you don’t like him is a bit much.

just give her the money you’d otherwise give her. Shared houses can be a bloody nightmare so I can completely understand her wanting a studio.

as long as she is doing the course and is doing ok academically I’d ignore the boyfriend - the relationship is very unlikely to last.

Option 1, she pays if she wants to do that.

There is no such thing `as 'the university experience' - it's different for every person. If you committed to fund the same amount for the third year then I think you should stand by that commitment, but not give any extra as she'll be having money coming in from him too to pay for things surely? This might end up being a vital life lesson if she cannot handle her money. The most important thing is that she continues her studies and if you maintain a friendly relationship with her then you can check in about this with her whenever you speak. He may be in your eyes a bit of a loser, but stopping your payments will inevitably impact on her studies. It's for one more year. I remember a friend in a very similar situation when we were all at uni together, once she had graduated and the world was her oyster she very soon realised that her boyfriend was a bit useless and the relationship fizzled out very rapidly after that. They just weren't on the same track. Also living with seven people is absolute hell isn't it? I would withdraw too!

It would be a no from me on any situation that funded the boyfriend (option 2 or 3).

I would still pay her personal rent in a student house or halls. It’s up to her to liaise with her housemates about how much staying over is ok/too much. She needs to learn to have those conversations.

It’s important you keep a good relationship with your daughter. If the boyfriend is crappy she should know she can always come to you and you’ll support her. If you’re too negative about the boyfriend she may withdraw from you, which I’m sure you don’t want.

Any chance of a study abroad term? That might give her a chance to be away from the intense relationship without too much awkwardness.

I mean I think they should both fund themselves.

But I couldn't get over this part of your OP....

we asked that as she was going to be living in a house of 7 girls, that he didn’t stay over more than once a week, primarily to respect privacy of the other girls in the house.

What gave you the right to poke your nose into that one? They're young women, not girls and it would be up to them to speak to your daughter if they were unhappy with him staying over, surely? 😳

Also, if you're going to speak to your daughter about this, I'd stop using the phrase 'shacked up', as she might find it quite confrontational.

I think option 2. You should continue to cover her costs while she is a student, but obviously BF should be paying his share.

I don’t really get the idea of not funding because “it’s not part of the university experience.” She is still a full-time student. I would only be thinking along those lines if she was dropping out.

Obviously you don’t like this guy, fair enough, he sounds like a loser and a negative influence. But maybe you should ask yourself what you would think is reasonable if the BF was someone that you did approve of.

I'd tell her is she is grown up enough to move in with her BF then she's grown enough to pay her own way. She can work and take loans. Why would you fund her deadbeat BF. I'd then put the £500 a month you are giving her into a savings account so when she's had enough of the loser she has money for an exit plan. Someone freeloading off of money you've worked for is very different than someone freeloading on money you've been given free and clear. Maybe supporting herself will motivate her to Dutch the dead weight.

You are way more involved in this than you need to be. I'm astounded that you are paying £500 a month for her rent and also giving her extra money. We didn't do anything like their for our two, they paid their own way.

Once the tenancy agreement ends, you can extract yourself and leave her to sort herself out. Don't sign up to any more rental agreements, it's really not your business.

I’m not sure what option you should pick, but I agree that it’s a bad idea and not the uni experience.

I missed out on the uni experience due to shacking up with a loser boyfriend. Biggest regret of my life. Huge wasted opportunity.

In the end it turned out that not only was he a loser, he was cheating on me (or, massively trying to, he didn’t always have much luck, as he was such a loser).

I am in loose contact with some people from my course. Their lives and careers are infinitely better than mine. I fantasise a lot about how my life would be if I had embraced uni rather than hiding in my room with the loser boyfriend.

Show her this post if it would help.

Remind her that her options at this point are vast (especially with her parents supporting her, as you are) and that she will never get this time annd opportunity again.

It sounds like she is unhappy about something. If it’s the course, she could change course. If it’s the uni she could transfer for her final year. She could switch to another course. She could take a year out. She could travel.

Lots of options. She just needs to grab them.

Is the studio not a LOT more than £500? If so won’t he be paying ?

I would pay the £500 but only because I’d said I would. I would also be pissed off about it

If she moves in with him, and he's not a student, they will be liable for 75% council tax. Does she realise this?

I strongly doubt she will be able to find a bedsit for the same as she’s paying for a shared house so I’m guessing the £500 is half the rent (or perhaps 2/3 if a cheaper area) I’d pay exactly the same as this year

Thanks for these views - very helpful and very different! We have discussed all these angles.

Part of the issue re funding DD’s rent is that BF will NOT and has not been paying a bean. If he was paying anything towards her food, rent etc, there would be less of a problem. It just feels like he is sponging off her, so that’s why DP and I have been debating the rent.

A couple of you seem to have taken exception to me asking my DD for her BF to not stay over every day and night as he had for the previous 8 months at that point. I stand by this, bearing in mind not everyone in a shared house will speak up if some random man was living in their house, rent free. They signed up to live with 7 other young women, not 7 young women and a man. If it was your DD living with mine, would you be ok with an extra lodger who doesn’t contribute and hogs the telly?

I voted YABU because you are micromanaging your daughter’s life. Let her make mistakes and choose her own path. It might seem dumb or ridiculous to you, but you can decide how she lives and behaves and who she shacks up with forever.

The only thing you don’t seem to mention unless I’ve missed it is how she is getting on with her Uni course.
If she’s doing well and working hard then I don’t see that you’ve got a reason to stop the funding

I also think there’s a bit of snobbery about the fact that he’s a pub worker and not a FT student. I suspect you’d be a lot less bothered if he was a law student.

My dd was in a shared flat for two years.

there were various boyfriends and girlfriends that came and went (combinations of bisexual and sane sex relationships) as well as two of the people duo shared the flat getting together and then breaking up quite spectacularly.

i didn’t see any of this as my job to police.

i’m pretty sure some of them objected to some of the boyfriends/girlfriends but it wasn’t my job to organise the flat and lay down the law.

Still none of your business.

The young women don't need you to act as their mouthpiece.

I'd say once they're adults, it's up to them what they do, but when you give them money, you do have a say, so it's fine to have strings attached, as long as you're open and consistent.

The key thing here is that he's living rent free on your dime. That has to stop.

How she lives is up to her, but I'd be paying no more than 50% of whatever the rent is for a shared place for the two of them. And I'd point out the issue with council tax too, most likely she hasn't realised that.

The unfortunate truth is that contracts are jointly and severally liable so if he doesn't pay, she will have to. And that means you paying if you are the guarantor. But that doesn't mean that you can't play hardball if the need arises.

I would place a bet on their plans changing when you set that boundary and make it clear that you are willing to pay half only. First he will say he doesn't want to live together anymore. Then she rents a place "alone" in shared accommodation and he continues to freeload.

That might make her wake up, it might not.

Do you know them? I was expressing to my DD the importance of considering the impact her actions / decisions have on other people we share a house with. Not an order to her. Not acting as their mouthpiece. Just guiding my DD in how to live with and consider others. So yes, definitely my business to guide my DD.

Yeah but not your business to decide what the young women are happy/unhappy to put up with.

You've as much right to decide that for them as you have to decide how the family in the next street to you choose to live.

This is what I'd do.

He stayed in her student halls accommodation from the minute they got together - single bed, he’s huge - and he’s never moved out since.

Surely that isn't allowed?

I'd go for option 2 - pay half the rent on the assumption boyfriend will be paying the other half.

And if she lives in student accommodation, check the terms and conditions. If boyfriend living there is against the ts & cs, don't fund it.

You tell her you will pay for her but not him

No, don't fund her living with a sponger. I dare say that when he realizes she's not going to fund him getting a flat, he'll end it.