AIBU to say grandparents doing childcare may be too exhausted to offer good quality care?

[MiserableMrsMopp]

Yet another iteration of this.

I'm in my 60s. I do all my GC's childcare. My choice. I do school drop off, pick up, after school care. I do weekends when shift work requires it. I also do a couple sleep overs a week.

I do it willingly. I love my GC and want to do it for this limited time when they're young. Yes, my DC (parent) is entitled but I'd do it regardless so think not doing it would be counterproductive for me. GC will not be young for long, and I want to make the most of it.

BUT this is what adult children don't seem to understand (not just mine, all the AC on mumsnet wingeing about their parents not doing childcare). People my age still have to work. Our pensions don't kick in until we're 67. So I still work full-time. And to add childcare on top of this is EXHAUSTING. Yes, I know parents are tired too. But the parents are 20-30 years younger than grandparents.

The result of the old people (me!) working AND doing childcare is that ultimately, we are not at our best with our grandchildren. Mine are not getting an enriching experience with me because I'm so tired that I'm there in body only. Yes, I take them places so they can play, but I'm never down on the ground / out in the park participating with them the way I'd like to be. I literally have no energy.

So please bear this in mind, when you want that free childcare. You may not be getting that lovely, nurturing experience for your children. You may get a wrung out dishrag, who can keep them alive, but not keep them happy.

I’m 33, pregnant and have two kids and I am dead on my feet so I don’t know how you’re doing it!
Are you/the grandchildren actually enjoying the time spent together or are you enduring it?
My Mum was honestly the best Nannie to my daughter, she worked so couldn’t offer childcare (which is fine, I just used paid childcare) but I’d often pick her up from work when our shifts aligned so she could come with me to then pick up DD from school and both my Mum and DD would just burst at the seams when they saw each other.
Don’t end up doing too much to the point it feels like a chore or like you have to
keep doing it.

Why do you have to childmind on some weekends, OP?

The OP makes a good point. It is possible to love your GC dearly, to want to ease the financial burden on your AC and to want to enjoy the GC while they are little, whilst also being totally knackered because of age-related loss of stamina.

My agreement with my DD took all these things into account. I only did one day a week with each child - in other words I was only ever looking after one child at a time.

At the same time I had failing health and was nursing a sick OH at home.

I did what I could and my DD was constantly mindful of my needs as well as hers. I have a lovely relationship with my GC, who are older now and not in need of care, so it was a positive experience all round - DD saved a money (she used the other granny plus a child minder too) and I really got to know my very dear GC.

But it was all based on mutual respect and honesty. That was all she expected of me and I of her. If I had to cry off for some reason she accepted it as her responsibility to find an alternative and we did not fall out over it.

Basically she and her OH saw child care as their prime responsibility, and whatever was on offer from elsewhere was a bonus and not a right.

OP your situation isn’t normal (in my experience anyway!) Every grandparent I know who does regular childcare is at least semi retired.

Why on earth can you work full time and do childcare and their actual parents can not?

Of course you’re exhausted! Your DC is absolutely taking the piss

I don't remember my GPs ever being "down on the ground" with me. They were retired and fit for their age but shonky knees I think. I played, they sat in their armchairs (smoking). I loved going to their place. I think it's a very modern idea that carers need to be "engaging" with kids all the time - we're breeding a generation with no ability to entertain themselves. There's nothing wrong with telling them to "go and play" sometimes. Makes them use their imaginations and read books. If your kids want something different, they can pay for it.

Thank you @Elsvieta! DGC DOES play alone / with other kids most of the time, no option really. It's that or a screen, and I don't approve of screens. I just felt bad that I wasn't very engaged.

Why on earth are you doing so much?

Yes, this. I know lots of people who have help from grandparents, including us. I don't know anyone where the grandparents are still working and doing this, nor anyone where the grandparents do more than one or two days a week, absolute max. Most people I know (again, including us) have grandparent help as well as paid childcare, not instead of. I think the volume you're doing is shocking.

YANBU for doing too much. It's not fair that you're still working and doing that much childcare as well. You must start putting yourself first before you become ill. 💐

So you are basically these children's parent?

I'm a Mum of two young DC, I do the school run daily so meet many many parents and do not know anyone that recieves this much help from Grandparents. I think this is the frustatration with these recurring threads, there seems to be a few women that have never told their DC 'no' and now they are exhausted and think every other parent behaves like their children do. Your situation is not normal.

I’m not sure what the point of your post actually is. Also, how can you be working full time AND do all school drop off and pick ups?

This! I can't believe it. My MIL does 1 day a week (teacher hours) and is brilliant. She really wanted to do it and we were stuck for one day not covered by nursery yet. I only work 3 days a week as well.

There are things my DC will get with me or nursery that he won't get there - messy play, lots of reading at home at least, socialisation with other kids, sometimes he's in his travel cot or pram for a time while ILs are washing up or cooking something but it's the trade off. Lots he gets out of it as well. I can't imagine piling on GPs with all the childcare plus extra sleepovers etc!

I voted YABU as you sound totally contradictory. You ‘want’ to do it but are exhausted by it. So don’t. You can still have a rewarding and close relationship with your grandkids without being a martyr to them. Quality over quantity.

Do you post this when yet another parking thread is posted, or some useless husband, or someone who is unable to say no to an inveterate lift taker/drinks round avoider?

I actually agree with you.

Im an adult child whose parent (in late 50s/60s) has decided to help with childcare.

I had my first when my mum was in her 40s and she wanted to help (seriously insisted to the point I didn’t feel like mum much). But she had energy and to be fair, my DD was easy to look after. I was able to get a lot done alongside that.

Fast forward over a decade and my second is a handful! Climbs everywhere. I put him in nursery because, although my mum insisted on doing the childcare, I felt that she couldn’t cope with him as a toddler. As a baby she was brilliant- but now that we have to chase him everywhere and he has mini tantrums, it’s not easy on my mum.

He is thriving at nursery now.

But, I am ever so grateful for my mum being that grandma. Although she played an extended mum role, my DD has the most amazing memories with her, and I won’t know what that is like as I didn’t have any of my grandmas growing up.

My MIL has 6 GC from 3 different DC. She always offers to have them and if she has 2 one weekend; will try and invite the others the following weekend. However - she doesn’t enjoy it. She gets snappy with the kids and the kids just tell us parents she sits on her phone or goes up to lay on the bed whilst kids watch TV alone downstairs when they are there.

The DC are between 10 and 14 now and dont ever want to go round. Its kind of ruined their relationship with her. It would have been better if she had them 50-75% less but spent the time she did have with them baking, doing nice trips out, doing arts and crafts etc...

I’m your age and work full time and have 2 DGC . There is absolutely no way I would be doing what you do unless I wanted to give myself an early grave. And their parents wouldn’t want me to and would no doubt have guilty feelings . I don’t think you are doing yourself any favours to be honest .

Of course working and looking after kids is exhausting- we all know that! But YABU for not saying no! You’re being a martyr then expecting sympathy. Just say no, or admit it’s your choice . I feel sorry for the kids actually, as you’re admitting you’re not going a great job. Tell their parents so they can put them into proper childcare and you can all benefit.

BUT this is what adult children don't seem to understand (not just mine, all the AC on mumsnet wingeing about their parents not doing childcare). People my age still have to work. Our pensions don't kick in until we're 67. So I still work full-time. And to add childcare on top of this is EXHAUSTING

What a silly thing to say. How can adult children not understand you're working? They can see that with their own eyes. My PIL do childcare and I know for certain they are retired! Just like every single other grandparent I know giving childcare. I also don't know any grandparents doing more than a day or two a week. I wonder if this is a socioeconomic thing. The parents I know can afford childcare and their parents generally could afford to retire in their early 60s. I don't know a single set of grandparents doing more than two days a week but know dozens of small children.

The only thing I find unreasonable are people who are "exhausted" in their 60s. Its hardly deaths door.

Your children sound really unpleasant.

Whether it is your son or daughter who is the parent to your grandchildren, they should be absolutely ashamed of themselves for allowing you to do all this.

You are being ridiculously taken advantage of and don’t let all your protests of “I want to do it’ take away from how badly they’re treating you.

Of course you're right. However, I think children rarely get the best quality childcare. Whoever takes care of them, be it the parents, teachers, grandparents, babysitters, nursery staff, there's often going to be a reason why the person will not be at their absolute best. It's human and I don't think it's helpful to strive for perfection.