AIBU to say grandparents doing childcare may be too exhausted to offer good quality care?

[MiserableMrsMopp]

Yet another iteration of this.

I'm in my 60s. I do all my GC's childcare. My choice. I do school drop off, pick up, after school care. I do weekends when shift work requires it. I also do a couple sleep overs a week.

I do it willingly. I love my GC and want to do it for this limited time when they're young. Yes, my DC (parent) is entitled but I'd do it regardless so think not doing it would be counterproductive for me. GC will not be young for long, and I want to make the most of it.

BUT this is what adult children don't seem to understand (not just mine, all the AC on mumsnet wingeing about their parents not doing childcare). People my age still have to work. Our pensions don't kick in until we're 67. So I still work full-time. And to add childcare on top of this is EXHAUSTING. Yes, I know parents are tired too. But the parents are 20-30 years younger than grandparents.

The result of the old people (me!) working AND doing childcare is that ultimately, we are not at our best with our grandchildren. Mine are not getting an enriching experience with me because I'm so tired that I'm there in body only. Yes, I take them places so they can play, but I'm never down on the ground / out in the park participating with them the way I'd like to be. I literally have no energy.

So please bear this in mind, when you want that free childcare. You may not be getting that lovely, nurturing experience for your children. You may get a wrung out dishrag, who can keep them alive, but not keep them happy.

ive no grandchildren but my friends experience with hers is that she dropped everything for her daughters and minded the grandchild to let them save up as childcare is so expensive.

They thanked her by havimg more kids and expecting them to be looked after!!

Probably thinking because on paper they could afford it - but this was a false picture, it was her sacrifice that let them be in the fortunate position they were.

She then had six kids to mind - the youngest all day, elders school drop off and pick up, on alternate days to help both her daughters.

She was exhausted but wouldnt say anything.
She didn’t see that they were taking the piss havimg all these kids they couldnt afford.

So my advice is do no more than a day or two a week total. Otherwise it'll look like they can keep relying on you and then youll feel you “can’t let them down”.

You're the fool choosing to do it.

I think you need to forgive yourself for not being Mary Poppins when you are with them. As a parent I had to realise that the need for ‘quality time’ is actually a myth created by society to make women feel guilty. These kids are going to school, they are attending afterschool clubs and then coming back to their homes where a responsible, safe adult feeds them. During that time they do not need a CBBC presenter on acid. They just need to know there is someone in the house who loves them and that they are safe.

There was a child development expert, WInnicott, who wrote about ‘good enough parenting’ and the need to step back [and in this case you are in loco parentis, so are in the parental role]. It posits that you can be too engaged with children, too invested in occupying them when they actually need space to be bored, disconnected and self contained - that resilience, self soothing, confidence in being ‘alone’ to manage their time etc, was crucial to developing into healthy, well-adjusted adults. It is absolutely okay that you are what you call your ‘wet dishrag’ self in the evening - in fact lean into it. They can see you reading quietly, watching a bit of telly, etc after tea and see ‘self reliance’ and occupying oneself independently being modelled.

What I would suggest is that DC’s look into having babysitters so that you are less called upon in the evenings when they go out to socialise (having a few nights out a week is not a parental right - most of us accept that there are a good few years where socialising happens at home with the kids asleep upstairs, or is just 1-2 times a month); I’d also try and make time for those quality experiences you want - 2-3 times a year is plenty to create living memories with your Gkids and can be as simple as a picnic in the park after school if you can have the occasional early finish, or taking them to santa’s grotto at the garden centre at Christmas. They will love you whatever as you are a stable, familiar and constant loving presence in their lives, so please try to take the pressure off yourself.

They, and your DC, are very lucky to have you in their lives.

Why can’t you just tell them no?
I have seen grandparents who do regular childcare who are irritable and don’t want to be doing it or are not on the ball enough. It really isn’t very good for the kids.

I don't really understand why you'd insist on doing full time childcare if you know you're doing a bad job of it 😐

School drop off was the one thing both sets of GP refused to do. We said we were too old and it meant getting up too early especially in the winter. My GC were three years apart and I had each of them for one day a week until they went to school. We rarely went out - we baked, read loads of books, played with toys, did simple craft projects, painted. My son said that they got more out of a day with me than a day in nursery. I miss those days.

More fool you! Why on earth are you doing this?

To be fair, I don't think OP should have had to say no to this - her child should never have asked for such a ridiculous, demanding arrangement. But yes, I agree that the threads on this all make this sound normal, but I have never encountered this in real life.

Very true!

You are wonderful and your children and GC are very lucky to have you.

Difficult to know which way to vote, as of course YANBU that those of us in our 60s don't generally have the same energy as those in their 30s
BUT
I think YABU to be working FT (though not sure how that can be if you are doing all the before and after school care) AND doing that much childcare.

Plus, of course you are generalising that everyone in their 60s is working FT.
It seems odd that both parents work long days with no flexibility and also have to work weekends, in truth. I know lots of my friends who help out their adult dc one day a week, or around strange shift patterns, or on an ad hoc (INSET days and illness) basis, but none of their dc abdicate all responsibility to childcare to them.

How are you doing the pick ups and drops offs if you work full time? I don't get why the actual parents can't do that as you aren't in a better position by the sound of it. Personally I think you're crackers OP but the parents are definitely very lucky. I hope the appreciate you.

I certainly wouldn’t be dropping off, picking up and doing 2 sleepovers a week when working full time. Great you’re helping and enjoy it, but sounds like you’d get more out of it if you did it a bit less. I wouldn’t be offering that level of childcare when still working. My time now my kids are grown, and i’ve been a parent since 16 and i’m 50 this year.

This is a ridiculous situation to be in OP. Your still working full time and taking time out of your working day to school runs on a daily basis for grandkids. Your exhausted because your working full time and providing loads of childcare which is understandable. The bit I dont get is why are the parents doing so little? They could change hours, change shifts etc work it largely between themselves that they do drop offs and pick ups and you then do the odd day. The only grandparents i know that provide the level of help you do are retired. Your not and your health may suffer as a result of ridiculous demands for excessive childcare on you. If you want to see your grandchild grow up step back a bit so you stay healthy.

This is insane. You're doing drop off, pick ups, after school, sleepovers during the week and some weekends? And on top of a full time job? Why can't the parents manage this on top of their full time jobs?

You say you're exhausted but you've only yourself to blame by putting yourself in this ridiculous situation. What if you were to drop dead tomorrow? What's the back up plan then?

Spot the laptop class.

My DM was exhausted by her mid sixties. She worked in factories. And not in the bloody office either. On the factory floor