AIBU to not agree with my sister's engagement?

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have 3 younger sisters and I am the eldest. All the sisters are 28, 22 and 19. The 28 year old sister and I are already engaged and my wedding is in July.

I called my mum to plan a walk with our dogs, and she had told me she had some news. Apparently, my youngest sister, who is 19 is engaged. My mum didn't seem overjoyed, but she said they're adults, he is a nice guy and she cant really stop them, but has told them it will need to be a really long engagement.

I am also not exactly overjoyed myself.

My sister had left school after her A Levels and it took almost a year for her to find a job. She does have one now, which is a part time, minimum wage job. Her now fiance, doesnt work at all (he does do odd handyman jobs for his dad etc). He is 2 years older at 21.

They got engaged on their first holiday away together but before that, have never spent more than one night together. They are also not in a financial position to rent or buy a house etc.

I too got engaged at 19 for my first marriage, and married at 21 and obviously this ended quite badly. Once we were married, I seen a completely different side to him, and at a young age, was exposed to DV regularly and had little prior experience or knowledge of relationships to navigate it. Now, I am tied to him forever, because we had a child.

I had said to my mum that I think she is far too young and needs to grow up a LOT before getting married. For context, she still has all her meals cooked at home, cant do her own washing, has morning wake up calls by my mum so she actually gets up or manage her own finances (always owes people money etc) and has lived a relatively sheltered upbringing by my mum. My mum agrees with all of this.

I know that my sister is an adult, and its her choice. I have been out to get them a card and engagement gift as I would for anybody else and called her to say congratulations.

However, AIBU for feeling different behind the scenes? I just don't want the same mistakes that I did, to happen again, and I do fear for how immature and vulnerable that she appears to me.

I don’t think anyone in your family would be able to keep a straight face if you start openly disagreeing with this union @ellie09 .

Would you have changed your mind because one of your sisters “disagreed” with you marrying if you take yourself back to when you got married at around the same age? No. Particularly not one who’s done the same herself and had had a very rocky time with her own current fiancé according to other posters.

The bit I find weird is the mum saying “it would need to be a long engagement”!!

how does she get a say?!

Yeah that will go well!!

how awful to call her stupid (many times).

people need to stay out of others peoples business.

OP let her do what she wants. I hope it goes well but if not then hopefully she’ll move on.

I hardly think you in any position to judge tbh and it's none of you or your mum's business she's an adult..if my parents had meddled like yous I wouldn't still be married 20 years later with kids etc

Perhaps ask yourself, would you have listened at her age when you got engaged?

You may be projecting your bad experience and over thinking that something similar will happen to her. Young ones get engaged but it doesn’t sound like they’re ready to marry if they are not ready to set up home.

It is young but there is nothing that you can actually do. She may have a totally different experience than you.
The best thing is to support her. Keep your relationship close, open and honest. If it is a mistake, it’s her mistake to make. All you can do is be there for her and keep channels open so she can some to you if she needs you :)

My DSis got married at 20. Her DH was a year older. They're still together over 40 years later and both went on to get well paid professional jobs.

My parents thought it was too young but chose to keep their mouths shut, as they thought if it all went wrong, DSis would feel better able to admit it without people saying I told you so.

I think you should be as supportive as you can be but maybe just point out some practicalities like getting a decent job so they can afford somewhere nice to live etc.

Your own experience is colouring your view.
Just leave them be.
You mum has told them it must be a long engagement .... she can "tell" them till she is blue in the face if she wants to, but it is not her decision.

As the mum of an adult and two teens, all I can do is give them balanced advice on things but ultimately it's their life and decisions about it are theirs to make and it's the same with you and your sister. People learn from their mistakes in life, just like you did yours, and they are free to make them and do that for themselves.

In your mum’s shoes I would make it clear that they can’t live in her house once they are married. So unless his parents are happy to house them they’ll have to get off their arses and find FT work and rent somewhere before getting married. The length of time it will take to do that will give your sister some thinking time. What sort of man proposes without a job or a place? What is he proposing? A life on the dole?

Of course you're not unreasonable to have private thoughts. We all do.

Reading comprehension is REALLY not your strong suit is it? Or are you so determined to kick the boot in you just couldn’t be arsed to read any of the OP’s posts correctly and fully?

The comment you are replying to says the OP’s age. It was clear from the original post that she had to he a minimum of 28 as she said she was the eldest and those were the ages of her younger sisters.

People seem to be being hard on you. You are not unreasonable to be worried, and your experiences might lead you to wish to spare her pain. Sisters do care about each other, and advise each other. If she asks you, you could share some concerns, but carefully. Remember you don't know all sides of the situation.

It made me remember that at 19 I 'got engaged' because I was not mature enough to say 'No' to my then boyfriend. I did not want to marry him and I knew that, but we were both sad that we were parting to go to university and I realise now he wanted to hold on somehow. When I told my mother she congatulated me and made me phone my grandmother. I could have died from discomfort as I knew I was lying to everyone I cared for. The thing is that if anyone had challenged me, I would have dug in further, and lied more, and then I couldn't have asked their help. In the end my relationship needed to run its course and be allowed to fade gently (3 months later). But my thought for you is that questioning someone before they are ready can be counterproductive. It maybe better to say little, not shine a massive happy light nor be overtly challenging, and be available as someone she can turn to later.

Yes it is very young, but with them having no permanent employment it would have to be a very long engagement so i wouldnt worry too much about it

Something something glass houses something stones.

Zip it. Stop talking to your mum about your sister behind her back, stop making "plans" for her. Mind your own business. It is not your job to grade your sister's decisions, or judge her choices. She's not you.

You're probably just traumatised from your own marriage.

Your sister is relatively unlikely to be a DV victim. The marriage sounds ill-thought-out, but it might end up being a normal sort of divorce (if they ever get up the aisle in the first place), not an abuse situation

She’s not you though, whilst it’s young. Some people go the distance. They may not even get married we don’t know. It’s not up to you to agree or disagree about it. She’s an adult. It’s not what I’d want for my daughter but I know from raising my kids you can teach them about life. guide them, point them in the right direction, but ultimately they’ll do what they think is right for them regardless what you think.
She’s your sister, be there for her, that’s all you can do.