AIBU to not agree with my sister's engagement?

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have 3 younger sisters and I am the eldest. All the sisters are 28, 22 and 19. The 28 year old sister and I are already engaged and my wedding is in July.

I called my mum to plan a walk with our dogs, and she had told me she had some news. Apparently, my youngest sister, who is 19 is engaged. My mum didn't seem overjoyed, but she said they're adults, he is a nice guy and she cant really stop them, but has told them it will need to be a really long engagement.

I am also not exactly overjoyed myself.

My sister had left school after her A Levels and it took almost a year for her to find a job. She does have one now, which is a part time, minimum wage job. Her now fiance, doesnt work at all (he does do odd handyman jobs for his dad etc). He is 2 years older at 21.

They got engaged on their first holiday away together but before that, have never spent more than one night together. They are also not in a financial position to rent or buy a house etc.

I too got engaged at 19 for my first marriage, and married at 21 and obviously this ended quite badly. Once we were married, I seen a completely different side to him, and at a young age, was exposed to DV regularly and had little prior experience or knowledge of relationships to navigate it. Now, I am tied to him forever, because we had a child.

I had said to my mum that I think she is far too young and needs to grow up a LOT before getting married. For context, she still has all her meals cooked at home, cant do her own washing, has morning wake up calls by my mum so she actually gets up or manage her own finances (always owes people money etc) and has lived a relatively sheltered upbringing by my mum. My mum agrees with all of this.

I know that my sister is an adult, and its her choice. I have been out to get them a card and engagement gift as I would for anybody else and called her to say congratulations.

However, AIBU for feeling different behind the scenes? I just don't want the same mistakes that I did, to happen again, and I do fear for how immature and vulnerable that she appears to me.

This. Probably best to concentrate on your own relationship.

I was engaged at 20, married at 21, still happily married 27 years later. Oh, and we didn't sleep together beforehand. I'm sorry you had a bad experience of marriage, I hope your second one is better.

I havent shown it at all - I get on very well with her partner and he seems very kind.

I have got card/gift for them as I would for anybody else who has gotten engaged and called her to congratulate her and wish her the best.

Its just personal thoughts, in my own head

Rtft

You haven’t 😆

because you missed my posts moment later

Maybe focus on what your response would have been, if your family tried to prevent your 1st marriage. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but this is her life, not yours. You don't really get to sit in judgement, and if you want to damage the relationship between you, crack on!

I suspect your family are more concerned about your relationship op

Yep, she has essentially been "babied" by my mum and hasn't really grown up.

Only last year, my mum had told her - yes, an 18 year old, that she couldnt go on holiday alone with him because she had no life skills or common sense.

She cant manage her own day and gets woken up for work. My mum, stepdad etc had to keep saying no to giving her money as she kept asking for it for x, y, z. She doesnt get charged rent for living with parents, doesn't pay her own phone bill or car bills (tax, insurance etc).

I have said to my mum the first plan she needs is to have her live more independently and start securing full time jobs (both of them) so they can move out and start renting/buy a starter up etc.

I have sorted out my own relationship with talking/communication.

The only issues with my relationship now lies with MIL issues, which is outside the sphere of the relationship between he and I.

I can understand your reservations , but , you are living your life ( mistakes and all ) and she has to live hers . Agree it will probably go tits up but what if it doesn't and she has a lovely life ?
Leave her be .

Just because you were a victim of DV in a young relationship doesn't mean she will be.

And so what if they've not got much money. Why would they at that age? They're not trying to make you pay their rent or food bills so what difference does it make to you?

Presumably they're going to move in together and if it doesn't work out then the engagement will be off.

Everyone has to live their lives and make their own mistakes.
You can't save her OP
My mum told me not to marry my daughter's dad, I was young and stupid.
Did I listen?
Nope.
Do I regret it
Yeah but I still had my daughter whom I love very much, so even a bad decision has some benefits so leave her to it
She might grow up if nothing else.

It's really not your place to determine what your sister's 'first plan' should be. You and your mum sound like the reason your sister is lacking responsibility, as you keep trying to baby her. I am surprised your mum stopped an 18 year old going on holiday! She won't grow until you all let her make her own mistakes and stop fussing over her... Sheesh.

Yes it is ridiculous and they shouldn’t be thinking of getting married. But unfortunately people sometimes need to work things like this out for themselves (how would it have gone down if someone told you you were too young to get married first time around?)
It sounds like your sister has bigger problems anyway, your mum needs to stop babying her and let her grow up. This is what I’d be more worried about

Only last year, my mum had told her - yes, an 18 year old, that she couldnt go on holiday alone with him because she had no life skills or common sense.

She's an adult. This rather suggests it's not your sister that is the problem here but your mum. You're acting like she's a young teenager and treating her like she is incapable. Maybe if you all acted and treated her like the adult she is, she would surprise you all.

Its been quite the opposite with my youngest two sisters vs. Me and my 28 year old sister.

Once she had the two youngest, I was effectively told to move in with my gran, as there was no room in her house (which led to me leaving to live independently very young) and she also kicked out my sister who is 28 as she had been a nightmare (again at around 17). We both had to figure out a lot of stuff on our own although this sisters behaviour over the years has really negatively impacted our relationship.

I'm lucky that I was able to help my mum (not the other way around) in the years that followed, when she fell on some pretty bad financial times and paid a lot of her bills (she did refuse but I insisted).

I am at the age now where my mum will come to me for advice, or chats, so it isnt me plotting or parenting with my mum, these are purely suggestions I am giving to her when having general chats/catch ups etc.

Yes, I did tell my mum she couldn't stop them from going at the time.

Absolutely, you have to live your life and live and learn - hell, I did!

I'd be worried about anyone of any gender getting married at nineteen with no job, nowhere to live and no financial security. On the other hand, no one can stop them, so you're wise to keep your feelings unspoken.

You're not unreasonable to have reservations but you're right to keep your opinions to yourself. It's not worth causing a rift with your sister and it's her decision at the end of the day. I married at 18 and still married 36 years later so it does sometimes work out.

You're her big sister, she has to make her own mistakes and hopefully can rely on her family to be there for her when she needs it.

You and your mum sound like nightmares.

This.

Nothing you can do or say, especially reminding her of your own first marriage, will change her mind. Keep quiet. And cross your fingers that she doesn’t decide to have an early wedding and book a register office for the week before your wedding.

And yet you still made a poor choice of a man who revealed himself as violent after you’d married him, despite being so ‘together’ compared to your sister.

There’s clearly a hog psychological backstory here with you’ve only touched on — the stuff about moving out to live with your grandparents when the two youngest were born etc.

The issue from you've said here isn't your sister, but your mum. You're complaining she's being "babied" but she's not been giving any chance to grow up and learn indepence.

Yes she's 19 and young but she's an adult and part of being an adult is making mistakes and making your own path in life. Her life sounds completely stifling. Being told at 18, she's not allowed to go on holiday. You and your mum deciding what her "first plan" should be without actually taking into consideration what she wants.

Her marriage may work out, it may not. But it's her decision to make.

You’re projecting based off of your own poor experience. Just let it be. By the sounds of it if they don’t have the money to rent or buy a house, the chances of them affording a wedding any time soon is probably slim.

19 is young to get engaged, but a partner turning nasty post-marriage can happen whether you’re 19 or 45. Being young doesn’t make it any more likely and being older doesn’t make it any less likely. Someone is either a good partner or they’re not, and all you can do is judge whether they will be based off of what they show you and hope that you’re right.