AIBU to not agree with my sister's engagement?

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have 3 younger sisters and I am the eldest. All the sisters are 28, 22 and 19. The 28 year old sister and I are already engaged and my wedding is in July.

I called my mum to plan a walk with our dogs, and she had told me she had some news. Apparently, my youngest sister, who is 19 is engaged. My mum didn't seem overjoyed, but she said they're adults, he is a nice guy and she cant really stop them, but has told them it will need to be a really long engagement.

I am also not exactly overjoyed myself.

My sister had left school after her A Levels and it took almost a year for her to find a job. She does have one now, which is a part time, minimum wage job. Her now fiance, doesnt work at all (he does do odd handyman jobs for his dad etc). He is 2 years older at 21.

They got engaged on their first holiday away together but before that, have never spent more than one night together. They are also not in a financial position to rent or buy a house etc.

I too got engaged at 19 for my first marriage, and married at 21 and obviously this ended quite badly. Once we were married, I seen a completely different side to him, and at a young age, was exposed to DV regularly and had little prior experience or knowledge of relationships to navigate it. Now, I am tied to him forever, because we had a child.

I had said to my mum that I think she is far too young and needs to grow up a LOT before getting married. For context, she still has all her meals cooked at home, cant do her own washing, has morning wake up calls by my mum so she actually gets up or manage her own finances (always owes people money etc) and has lived a relatively sheltered upbringing by my mum. My mum agrees with all of this.

I know that my sister is an adult, and its her choice. I have been out to get them a card and engagement gift as I would for anybody else and called her to say congratulations.

However, AIBU for feeling different behind the scenes? I just don't want the same mistakes that I did, to happen again, and I do fear for how immature and vulnerable that she appears to me.

So you can read all of OP's other threads, but can't correctly read her posts on here?

Maybe multi-tasking isn't your thing ...

Your mum needs to stop getting her up in the morning as well. She needs to learn to fend for herself properly.

Like others have said, your mum has done her no favours whatsoever.

I agree with this.

I think OP, you need to step back and ask yourself WHY your sister is wanting to escape and get married. There's some really unhealthy dynamics and relationships going on within your family. You and your mum sitting having discussions, deciding what your sisters "plan" should be and you giving your mum "suggestions" on more ways to control your sisters life.

It's one thing to maybe say to your sister that you are maybe concerned she's young however you will still support her in what decision she makes. But this doesn't seem this. You and your mum seem to be actively plotting ways to put a stop to the wedding and engagement and deciding that you know the best course for your sister.

Your sister isn't you. She's allowed to live her own life. You and your mum need to support her instead of you giving your mum advice on what she should be instructing your sister to do.

And frankly reading your other threads, you sound like you've enough going on in your own relationship to be worrying about.

None of your business, keep out of it. The fact your Mum told you not the sister says a lot.

My much older sister was always voicing her opinion on my life when I was young, thought her extra 10 years of life experience gave her the right to comment/judge on everything I did. Last straw was when she (as a rather obese lady) pointed out i was putting on weight and must be a secret cake eater - yes, going from size 8 to size 10 is probably common in your late teens.

I have nothing to do with her now (me mid 40's her mid 50's) beyond family things that involve our elderly parents.

You still asked OP her age, after shed updated and clearly said.

I too got engaged at 19 for my first marriage, and married at 21 and obviously this ended quite badly.

Why obviously?

I got engaged at 20 and married at 22. We're approaching our 30th anniversary. From my experience I'd say it was great. We had a couple of years as a young couple, then had children. Money wasn't flush, but we had a lot of fun. We're now empty nesters and enjoying that while many of our friends still are in the primary school years.

YANBU to think this, but I suspect people had the same misgivings about your first marriage - you wouldn't have listened to them and your sister won't listen to you. Unfortunately, only with life experience does some introspection happen.

And honestly? I disagree that you "need to support her" as some people have said. Support her as a sister sure. But support what you truly believe is a stupid thing to decide to do when you're barely an adult? No. There might be repercussions you don't want, but that also is life. It's up to you to decide how you want to deal with this.

OP: “I’m 33”
you: “how old are you”

Amazing comprehension skills on show here!

OP - I agree with most of the other posters, you should keep out of it. I agree that she’s too young especially with the extra info about her lack of capability, but if you try and push back she’ll just double down on it. She sounds very immature honestly. You don’t have to agree with it but you do have to accept that it’s not your business.

Maybe it's me but I think there's something so disingenuous about how you and your mum discuss your sister behind her back. All these discussions about her being immature etc when your mum is the very one facilitating it.

Me and my siblings have all done things over the years my parents disagreed with. But when they had concerns they wouldn't discuss them with us. They would discuss it with each other, their siblings (as in my parents sibling) or friend if they wanted advice. They certainly wouldn't be offloading to the child's siblings. I'd be horrified to think members of my own family were discussing my like that behind my own back the way you and your mum are. That's how family divisions happen. Your sister isn't treated as an equal at all amongst you and your siblings if you're all deciding that as your older, you know what is best for her.

Does your sister know everyone speaks about her like this? It's absolutely no wonder she's wanting out this family and using this engagement as an escape

You think it's hypocritical to have done something that didn't work out too well and then offer advice to help others avoid making the same mistake? 😮

If someone that got engaged at 19 told you about the mistakes they made would it have stopped you getting engaged at 19?

Pretty much every one I knew at this age was "engaged" it mean F all. Did any of them actually ever get married? Only one.
People were even engaged in school 🤣
It doesn't mean they're planning a wedding.

This

I agree it seems like a bad idea but there’s not much you can do about it. You can point out your own regrets and gently ask if she’s thought about all the things you mention here that will have to change drastically, but in the end people have to make their own mistakes,

Where does it say that? OP says she first got engaged at 19 and is now 33.

I think you’re being incredibly unreasonable and interfering, as is your mum. I would have been livid if my mum had told me that I would have to had a really long engagement - it’s none of her business, or yours. I don’t think 19 and 21 is too young to be certain of your feelings - I was living with my husband, who was three years older than me, from just after my 18th birthday, and we got married a couple of years later. We’re still together at the age of 68 and 72, as are all our friends who got married at the same time, with one exception. Neither of us went to university and we both started off in relatively low paid jobs. Before I left home to move in with my husband, I had never done my own washing, my mum cooked all my meals, woke me up every morning for work, and I was in debt for the vast majority of my adult life, but we had a steep learning curve, worked hard and have lived in a large house in London for the last 30 years, which we own outright. Thankfully our family didnt write us off as being doomed as you seem to be doing to ykur sister. Just because you had an awful experience in your marriage, that doesn’t mean your sister’s experience will be the same.

YANBU on the face of it, but you definitely need to keep out of it.

Their decision to marry is obviously ridiculous and driven by immaturity.

As long as no one further enables this nonsense - by paying for their life choices etc - then let them get on with it. Reality will bite at some point.

Let her make her own mistakes. Learning the hard way makes you stronger.

It sounds to me like she's wanting to live a more adult, independent life. It might not be how you think she'd go about it but she's got to learn sometime...

No. She said she has 3 younger sisters - 28, 22, and 19. She is the eldest sister. There are 4 sisters in total. Therefore, she is older than 28.

Your math isn't mathing....

She was engaged at 19, and now she's engaged again at 33. That's FOURTEEN YEARS... not 4 🙄

Hard to see what there is to be worried about, realistically. She relies on being woken up for work, is cooked for and isn’t in a financial position to live independently so she’s hardly going to be wed in the near future. She’s either going to have a long engagement or the relationship will fizzle out in due course, neither of which are a cause for concern.

Stupid stupid girl. She has nothing to show for her life and wants to get married. No money, job or anything. Pretty sure her goal is to be a ‘sahm’ with a trail of kids. Stupid girl. You should say something. Point out all the things that make an adult, not just an age.
also tell her to read the other thread where there’s a young lady popped out two kids and crying over the mess her life is in.
At 19 she hasn’t even lived a life to want to tie herself down.

Engaged at 19, married at 21, separated at 25, so 6 years all in, not 4 years. Its also been almost 8 years on now from I separated until my second wedding.