AIBU to not agree with my sister's engagement?

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have 3 younger sisters and I am the eldest. All the sisters are 28, 22 and 19. The 28 year old sister and I are already engaged and my wedding is in July.

I called my mum to plan a walk with our dogs, and she had told me she had some news. Apparently, my youngest sister, who is 19 is engaged. My mum didn't seem overjoyed, but she said they're adults, he is a nice guy and she cant really stop them, but has told them it will need to be a really long engagement.

I am also not exactly overjoyed myself.

My sister had left school after her A Levels and it took almost a year for her to find a job. She does have one now, which is a part time, minimum wage job. Her now fiance, doesnt work at all (he does do odd handyman jobs for his dad etc). He is 2 years older at 21.

They got engaged on their first holiday away together but before that, have never spent more than one night together. They are also not in a financial position to rent or buy a house etc.

I too got engaged at 19 for my first marriage, and married at 21 and obviously this ended quite badly. Once we were married, I seen a completely different side to him, and at a young age, was exposed to DV regularly and had little prior experience or knowledge of relationships to navigate it. Now, I am tied to him forever, because we had a child.

I had said to my mum that I think she is far too young and needs to grow up a LOT before getting married. For context, she still has all her meals cooked at home, cant do her own washing, has morning wake up calls by my mum so she actually gets up or manage her own finances (always owes people money etc) and has lived a relatively sheltered upbringing by my mum. My mum agrees with all of this.

I know that my sister is an adult, and its her choice. I have been out to get them a card and engagement gift as I would for anybody else and called her to say congratulations.

However, AIBU for feeling different behind the scenes? I just don't want the same mistakes that I did, to happen again, and I do fear for how immature and vulnerable that she appears to me.

Butt put. Nothing you can do and you not agreeing with this means sweet FA

Personally I think 22 is incredibly young but 🤷‍♀️ each to their own

You divorced at 21
and you’re remarrying at 22
well! 😆

Of course you can think that but it seems very unfair to assume just because it didn't work for you when you did it she will somehow repeat your mistakes.

She could be engaged for years.

She is 19 and yes its young, I made that first mistake with my first marriage.

I'm keeping my mouth shut, but just my own personal thoughts.

You are 22?

Where have I said this?

I am the eldest of my sisters. The ages are all my younger sisters. I am 33 and I divorced at 25, 4 years after I got married.

I think you should focus on yourself. Be wary of projecting.

Your sister may have a totally different experience in her marriage. If not, she will navigate that herself.

OP is not 22 guys. If you read the OP properly, she says she is the ELDEST and then lists her sisters’ ages.

Sorry, I was wrong. How old are you?

and despite planning to marry your partner - you start thread after thread about various negative issues between the two of you. Focus on your own predicament as does not sound peachy

Yep, 100%. I know some friends that have stayed together from they were 15/16, but the only difference is that engagement/wedding etc was all basically done after the fact they had stable jobs, lived together etc

You would be very hypocritical to say anything given that you did the same. Who is to say that she is going to have the same issues you did?

But the engagement timing means very little whether it's now or in 5 years and engagement is just words until they actually get married.

Yes, I probably am letting my first marriage experience cloud my judgement somewhat. I do know that everyone will not be the same.

I think my youngest sister always reminded me of younger me the most - which is probably why I am so concerned.

My first marriage completely broke me with DV/PTSD and it took a LOT of therapy to get myself to the place I am at now.

You cant live her life for her you are not her

Different circumstances. I had moved out at 17, had been working all the way through school and university (in a different economy) and had quite a bit of savings considering. I was really independent, did everything for myself from I had moved out.

So the engagement didnt come as much of a shock to everyone, as it has my sisters.

What can you do? Nothing. I got engaged at a really young age. You do silly things at that age when you’re madly in love. Thankfully, we split up before we had even set a wedding date.

It's just an engagement. They may not marry for years if at all.

I would just try and be happy for her. Just because your marriage didn't work out it does not mean hers won't. I got engaged at 18 and still very happily married to a wonderful man 15 years on. My family also had their reservations which I suppose is natural however, it's important to not show that unless you have genuine concerns she is being treated poorly.

OP is the eldest sister and the next is 28

That was obvious from your post, not sure why it confused people. I think your misgivings are totally valid but what can you do? She has to live her life just as you live yours. I wouldn’t give unsolicited opinions to her, but if she asks you can tell her you’re a bit concerned (in a non judgemental way).

Given all the threads you’ve started about your own relationship issues with the chap you’re about to marry @ellie09 … you have bigger fish to fry

Sorry- she's an adult and you are not her mother and ought not to take on a parental role. She will only resent you for being controlling and inappropriately interfering. It's not a sibling dynamic that is healthy.

Of course it worries you given your own experience. But she will make her own choices and her own mistakes and you simply must back off and let that happen.

The concern is not that you were the same age when you first got married, and it was the wrong decision for you, but that she is effectively still a child.
There are younger teenagers with more agency, independence and ability to take on the world than you've described your sister as having. Her partner doesn't sound like a functioning adult yet either.
Hopefully it will be a long engagement, and they'll both grow up a lot in the meantime. Could you and your mother help her with taking more responsibility for herself?

Oh please link to them