AIBU to feel hurt after my husband admitted feigning support?

[ckm043107]

Over the past five years, I lost both of my parents within a short period of time. Given how close I was to them, I’ve experienced significant and ongoing grief. Recently, my husband told me that he has been pretending to support me during this period. Is it unreasonable for me to feel shocked and upset by this?

I lost a parent young and I agree with the post.

5 years to be in the depths of grief and walking round in a cloud of sadness is a long time. I agree external help is needed at this point, that is a lot to put on your closest family.

Re professional help - have you tried? Most vicars are pretty good with this kind of thing regardless of whether you’re religious or not. And there’s no shortage of counsellors/therapists online or freelance in most areas, look up the list on bacp. Cruse is very good too. I found grief counselling hugely helpful and even though the loss (also parent) was profound, it only took a few sessions to get the tools to manage it myself and I can return for top ups if needed. My DH is great and v supportive but no way could he be empathic and endlessly patient over 5 years of me being in a grief cloud. Different if it’s a more tragic loss but losing our parents is part of the cycle of life and while we may never ‘get over it’ it shouldn’t be this raw and upsetting for years. Sorry for your loss and your DH’s hurtful and ill-chosen words. Perhaps the thing that makes him less empathetic also makes him too direct/honest. If he’s good in other ways then get help to work through all of this. As you don’t have other good friendships, it may be too much to ask of one man to be you support.

I have lost one of my two parents. It was complicated and I was in the waves of grief for about a year before they subsided. It was not a nice comment but if you have been stuck in grief for five years without recognising that this is a burden on those who live with you (who are, after all, trying to build a life with you and look forward) and without getting help then that is is selfish in my opinion. You feel how you feel and that is not wrong, but it is selfish to not to try to resolve things for your own benefit and for those around you.

She’s lost two parents not one. I just found the dismissive tone of”parents die, it’s natural” to be unsympathetic. If you haven’t lost a parent it’s easy to dismiss the deep grief people feel. I agree 5 years is a long time which is why I suggested counselling.

How horrible to say that to you when you are feeling low...why would he even admit that other than to be cruel?

I don't really understand the difference between "feigning support" and just "support". Support is an action, not an emotion. If you're grieving, you don't require your support network to grieve with you. And surely you're under no illusions that they enjoy the very hard work of providing emotional support? No one does it because they like it - it's shit, it's tough, you support your loved ones out of duty.

Support is a practical thing and you can't feign it. You provide it or you don't. It doesn't matter what emotions you felt as you provided it.

It's a very weird thing for your husband to say - what on earth was the context?

And I'm sure every single one of us has supported a loved one through something while secretly thinking "why are you not over breaking up with that dickhead yet" or "FGS it was five years ago stop crying" - thoughts which of course we don't say out loud.

It sounds like a long period of grieving. I lost my Dad suddenly and it was a nasty shock at the time but I wasn’t openly grieving after the event.

I don’t think your parents would want you moping around for 5 years.

I think you need counselling. It’s too much for a partner to deal with. Don’t you have any social life outside the home? Equally however I don’t think a friend would want to take on the level of support you say you need.

Me too - I really feel for your DH Op & gently suggest that you need to get some external help.

I lost a parent suddenly when I was pregnant so you can imagine the shock. I think about them every year near my child’s birthday as it marks how many years they have been gone, but I processed it in what I think is a healthy way. Five years and not much progress seems very unhealthy for all involved.

My guess would be that initially his support was genuine but can’t be realistically sustained. Why on earth he told you though is anyone’s guess.

I'm so sorry. Grief is terrible without his thoughtless comments.

And so your DH doesn't love you. Well there's an simple solution for that. None of us need to live with anyone who lacks basic decent kindness.

You can get bereavement support easily in the UK
https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/

There are other local bereavement peer support groups etc too. 5+ years is a long time to have not processed it. I also lost someone during lockdown not from COVID . But it meant we couldn't have a wake etc, but I can understand how your husband has nothing genuine left to give if you won't seek professional help. I'm sure he meant everything he said initially but it's his finding it hard for that to still be genuine and heartfelt 5 years on when it isn't usual for grief to still be so intense after that period, aside from exceptional circumstances, someone I know her child was killed and I don't think you ever fully get over that, she processes by charitable work and campaigning against the way in which he was killed, but you've not alluded to anything along those lines.

Unfortunately, as hard as this is, it's also reality.

My aunt lost her husband 4 years ago and it was a genuinely awful and traumatic loss. Nobody expected her to bounce back quickly. But 4 years on, she's still in the cloud. She still can't find any joy in anything really, and the grief is so profound she still can't face even trying to manage a lot of "life admin" things (husband used to do it all) and her daughter and sister (my DM) are still dealing with all of that. Won't try professional help, peer support, anything new at all. My cousin is an only child and it's a lot for her. Our DC are more or less the same age (late teens/early 20s) and bless them, they've tried so hard with their granny to involve her in things, affirm their love for her and wanting her there at family events etc. They take her out for coffee, take her to the shops, help her at home, etc. But nothing family do or say really seems to help.

It's got to the point though where the people who are left are starting to feel unloved and rejected by her. They are in a way starting to go through their own loss/grief process for the loving, engaged mother/grandmother they had before who doesn't appear to be returning. It's not her fault, everybody realises this, and everyone is still very kind and compassionate and helpful to her. But I don't think they quite feel the same level of empathy and compassion any more and there is some resentment creeping in that she just won't try anything or change anything at all. The really hard thing about prolonged and complicated grief like this is that it will often lead to more loss and grief as it begins to erode other relationships around the sufferer.

I've been asked to try to do something, as I'm a psychologist by background, although this isn't my specialism. But the only thing that's going to help is for her to want help and to want this to change - she can't be forced to be ready. I have a feeling there are also what we call secondary gains going on here - as long as she remains in the cloud, others will be kind and supportive, they'll do the hard things for her, etc. If she exits the grief cloud, she'll have to start facing these things, so it's insulating her, in a way. I usually find with all long term chronically unwell and very stuck people there's a secondary gain somewhere, and that's so difficult to untangle and needs such careful and compassionate handling, even by a therapist or psychologist. It involves challenging your patient to confront their shadow, so to speak, and you really do need to have a strong therapeutic relationship and a lot of trust to do it successfully. Family and laypeople can't be expected to try to help someone through that just with love, empathy and kindness.

@ckm043107 at least he was honest.

It's very difficult to offer genuine support when perhaps you cannot emphasise with the situation.

He no doubt can see that you're hurting and therefore doing what he thinks he should be doing, but empathy is not a skill everyone possess. Particularly those with ASD.

Do you think he was "pretending" from the start or is it that the "from the heart" has crept in over time as he feels that you should be over it now?

Gently, I think most people would want and expect their spouse to have moved past the stage of being overcome by tears at the loss of their parents after 5 years and to be able to talk fondly about memories without breaking down. It may be that you need some additional support, talking therapy, from someone who is trained.

He could have been kinder in the way he has said this and you will know better than anyone here if he is saying it through love and concern and wanting you to be able to move forward in a happy life or if he just wants you to function better because of the impact it has on him.

I think pretending to be supportive is better than being unsupportive which is possibly his true feelings. He cares enough to know you want / need it and to give you what he thinks you need.

Agree with PPs that it's time for some external support, CRUSE is a good organisation in my experience.

Rude.

I didn't say the OPs DH had autism. Nor did I say all autistic people cannot be empathetic.

Your comment was rude and unnecessary.

I agree with this. Your partners mood effects you too. I know you said your not walking around crying all the time but it clearly still effects you massively and he could be picking up on that. There's no right way to grieve and your not wrong to feel how you feel. But you must recognise that it can be draining living with someone who is depressed. My exs mental health problems dragged me down to the point I was clinically depressed myself. But he didn't see that because he was too wrapped up in his own problems.

hi op, there is specialist grief counselling available, an organisation called Cruse. They are excellent imo.

OP I'm so sorry for your loss.

If you're on antidepressants and this is 5 years after the loss, I can see that this is maybe now mental health support not only loss related. Without knowing you H it is possible that after years of genuine support he now just goes througg some of the motions as what he is really supporting is depression, and thats a whole different kettle of fish and often requires a professional.

Oh OP, that's terrible. You lost both parents close together and he's making comments like that ❤

It wasn't even relevant to mention ASD. Why even bring it up?

I consider ableist, incorrect and discriminatory statements rude. And unnecessary.

The OP said her husband was pretending to support her which she found hurtful.

I made a suggestion why someone in general might struggle to empathise.

I did not suggest the OP's DH was autistic. Nor did I say that all autistic people can't empathise.

Lots of people find empathising with someone and seeing someone else's point of view challenging. Including some autistic people.

I didn't say her DH's lack of empathy isn't hurtful. I made the point that it isn't uncommon and likely not deliberate. It doesn't make it less hurtful but if someone genuinely struggles with empathy and has done their best then perhaps it's worth seeing it from the other point of view.

Either you mis-read what I had written or you were being rude.

And yes, I'm autistic, but I'm very good at analysing things from both sides, and no, empathy isn't my strong point - I understand when I need to be empathetic, but it doesn't always come naturally depending on the scenario.