AIBU to feel hurt after my husband admitted feigning support?

[ckm043107]

Over the past five years, I lost both of my parents within a short period of time. Given how close I was to them, I’ve experienced significant and ongoing grief. Recently, my husband told me that he has been pretending to support me during this period. Is it unreasonable for me to feel shocked and upset by this?

I'm sorry for your loss, Op. That sounds like a very tough time.

I'm a bit unsure what the difference between supporting you and pretending to support you is?

Pretending to support you @ckm043107
How so? Did he elaboration on his actual feelings and opinions?
I think I'd be questioning everything about him and your relationship and then asking myself if it's worth it. 💐

He said that all comforting words etc have not come from the heart but just going through the motion of pretence unfortunately.

Is he trying to hurt or get back at you in some way by telling you this? It just sounds mean and I'm not sure what it achieves.

Maybe comforting doesn’t come naturally to him. I turn to the internet to give me ideas about what I’m supposed to do or say in such situations.

Why did he decide to tell you though? It’s strange that he did.

Did he not feel sorry for you, sympathy for your loss, or anything like it? How did he feel about what you were going through?

Has he made allowances for you, helped you with stuff you were finding difficult?

Why's he telling you this now? You are obviously NBU to feel shocked and upset. However, it's totally normal for someone who hasn't experienced anything similar to be somewhat bewildered by the strength of feelings, and to have no clue about the total emotional disruption bereavements can cause.

So if he's saying he doesn't really get it but has done the most he can to support you, it may simply be that he's unusually honest.

I am completely devastated by the comment, however when I was at my lowest I did feel that he would get irritated with my breakdowns !!! Ohhh no she’s crying again and comments like “when are you going to get over this “ etc ….

So he's told you that he doesn't care about

I think this is very nuanced. If caring and empathy doesn't come naturally to someone but they love you enough to want to do what you need, doesn't that in itself show care and love?

I think telling you he was only pretending is another matter though. What was the context to that?

That's a pretty unhinged thing to say to someone who is grieving

Yes, and most people feel the same Grief is very, very personal. Everyone experiences it differently although there are some patterns, of course. The reason people say that grief is lonely is because it is. Nobody can actually share it with you, they can only try to support you.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

During the past 5 years have you had any professional help?

Oh, I didn't realise he'd actually said “when are you going to get over this?"
That's a bit dumb.

Help via medication -anti depressants. The loss of parents was during lockdown but not from COVID, which has added to the emotions and ongoing grief.

Wowsers.

Oh well. Next time he needs support, don't even bother pretending.

Oh dear

The comment "when are you going to get over this?" - when did he say that?

Has this come out in an argument or something? Need more context really.

He might mean that he's just saying things he thinks are comforting but if he's saying them because he wants to comfort you, that's okay

But if he asked you when you would get over it soon after it happened, that implies that he just wants you to be functioning as his support human again.

How has the conversation come about. Is it along the lines of you saying he doesn't understand and him then saying that he doesn't and the words he said weren't from the heart? Or is it more along the lines of he never cared for you so it was pretend?
I don't think you can pretend to support someone, you either do or you don't. You can say things you don't necessarily agree with or feel to comfort someone, that's still support. You can pretend to care about someone's feelings.

I think it has really changed how I see this moving forwards, i feel quite sick and emotionally drained from it. Who do you trust ? Honestly. I thought he was my soul mate !!!

I think the need to have me as a functioning support was more the key here.

I do feel a bit for the husband, obviously you are going through a difficult time, but he needs you.

When did he say it though?

5+ years is a long time to afford emotional support, and I can't imagine there's much "new" he can actually say to console you. After so long, I really think you should explore professional help, beyond just medicating.

But he needs you?

Does OP need to put her grief and own needs aside for his? Because he needs her?

No, but she needs to find a way to get better.

Her DH has been supporting her for 5+ years and, by the sounds of things, OP's not improving (at least, not meaningfully).

Honestly, I think I would find it hard to sincerely empathize with such a profound grief over such a long period, with no end in sight.

I haven’t been given continued emotional support or expected it I kept working, running the house dealing with everyone’s stuff but occasionally I will have a good cry which I can only describe as pure release. Things can trigger these bursts such as songs etc I have not been walking around an emotional wreck but trying to function with a cloud of sadness unfortunately.