AIBU to feel hurt after my husband admitted feigning support?

[ckm043107]

Over the past five years, I lost both of my parents within a short period of time. Given how close I was to them, I’ve experienced significant and ongoing grief. Recently, my husband told me that he has been pretending to support me during this period. Is it unreasonable for me to feel shocked and upset by this?

Complicated grief is hard to understand, if you've not been through it. And it can leave those around the grieving person feeling a bit helpless/powerless to really do or say anything that will feel meaningful or supportive. Especially when it's 5+ years on and nothing seems to have helped.

It was quite a strange thing to say he was only pretending to support you, but I wonder if he means that the magnitude of your loss and the intensity of this prolonged bereavement process is such he no longer has any faith that his support is in any way helpful, meaningful or effective. When people feel that their support is not really able to fully be felt or received, it is hard to keep on unconditionally supporting, even if you might continue being kind and compassionate.

Have you sought any professional help at all?

Professional help is difficult to get in the uk unfortunately. It’s not for everyone and people deal with grief very differently with no timeline. I wish that was the case for me as I had two of the most amazing loving parents who died quite young. I don’t have a huge close network socially so rely on my nearest and dearest.

Was he supportive the first few years? Then did it gradually become less and less over time ?

Surely he must’ve been supportive when your parents first passed away.

Does your H still have his parents? As he may not yet understand the deep-grief that comes from losing loved ones yet.

You do need to address your grief though, if it’s lasting five years. It could be stopping you living life to the fullest, even if you’re showing-up on the face of it.

Your H, rightly or wrongly, doesn’t want to hear about your loss anymore. He wants to move forward and no longer has any patience with it. It’s up to you to decide if you’re happy to stay with him if he feels like this, or is it the kick up the bum you need to start moving forward.

Five years is a long time.

If he's said that before why are you surprised at what he's saying now?

You still haven't explained how this conversation came about.

Kindly OP, professional help isn't difficult to get in the UK. Mental health is my field. There are bereavement charities like Cruse, which offers free emotional support. Every area has an NHS Talking Therapies service and in most cases you can self refer. Admittedly there may be waiting lists, but there is help out there. There are private therapists and psychologists who treat traumatic grief, although of course there is a cost. There is evidence EMDR can help with traumatic/prolonged grief.

You're right that everyone grieves differently and there's no set timeline, but if your grief is affecting your ability to function day to day, gain enjoyment from your life and relationships with those you still have present, and is affecting how you show up in your relationships after more than 5 years, it probably has crossed over into prolonged/complicated or traumatic grief and you need more support than close friends and family can offer.

Sometimes, people can be afraid to allow the intensity of the grief to lessen, because allowing that means letting the lost loved one/s go and that feels like another loss. For some who are deep in prolonged grief, the grief is what feels like it keeps them close still. That's where professional help is needed to try and untangle the emotions.

It sounds like to be honest your husband is emotionally burnt out from being one of a small number of people you rely on to support you with this grieving process. As much as you are right about everyone's grief process being different, everyone's capacity to support is also different too.

I think 5 years of parental loss being the main emotional weather is a bit much, to be honest. Not to say "get over it" but more to say try to get some additional therapy as you seem stuck rather than moving through grief.

It also depends what happened- parents do naturally die, so if e.g. mum and dad had passed away of the natural age related illnesses like cancer or heart disease I would wonder what else was going on if their child took so long to find a new normal /feel happy and functioning again.

if there was a more complex story such as foul play, addiction issues, shocking accident, and/or the parent and child had had a tricky relationship, then grieving can take a longer time.. But still, ultimately our parents do go. We can be lonely but this primsl loss shapes us - it is one of the final touches to our growth, it makes us adults, and even when it happens in terrible or tragic ways, it is a natural part of life.

Living with someone who “functions with a cloud of sadness” is going to get on even the most compassionate persons nerves eventually. 5 years of it I’d be faking it too

Do you have any idea how much pressure living with someone in professional longterm grief would be that is a lot to expect someone to cope with

I would be assessing how much you do for the family (especially DH) and cutting back and prioritising myself, because your DH clearly has his own interests at heart.

What is the house work split like?

Im sure there is more context but Im sure for both DH and I we fake it til we make it sometimes. Choosing to be kind when you don’t feel like it is what love looks like long term. Of course I feel warm and fuzzy sometimes but sometimes I feel grumpy and am still kind because I love him. I don’t think in and of itself that is bad. Although why he chose to tell you I have no idea.

It is an odd comment to make to you but it sounds like he did give you what you needed at the time and over an extended period. It is not clear what he wanted to achieve by saying he didn't mean it, other than being hurtful so it may be as simple as that. He may just be wanting to upset you now. How has your relationship been in last 6 months or so.
It is not that unusual, when supporting someone through a prolonged period of poor mental health, to say what you think that person needs to hear but to be feeling very frustrated that they don't seem to be improving. But telling them that is pretty harsh.

Did your husband bring this up, or did you ask him whether his expressions of support are sincere or not?

I’d want more information. Why wasn’t he upset for you? Did he start off empathetic and then it wore off as time went on? Did you actively try to move forward or were you lost in this grief? Even if he did fake it was he for the most part helpful and supportive? Why has he told you, what did he want to achieve?

Sorry you’re going through this.

You seem a bit dismissive about ‘talking therapies’ - appreciate there are issues with some NHS and charity services but there are some good services out there.

Did he say he was pretending to support you throughout, or that he started to do this after a certain amount of time into the five years? (The latter would be more understandable)

In the past when you’ve had problems how was he towards you? Was ‘support’ reciprocal and roughly equal between you?

Has he treated you well day to day in recent years?

I don’t think professional help is all that difficult to get in the UK OP and given it’s been half a decade, if you had put yourself on the waiting list for therapy closer to the start you’d have definitely been seen by now… There are also grief support groups.

I feel for your DH in ways. I don’t think he meant to say he feigned support from the start (I hope), rather he’s struggled to maintain the support over five years because it is quite a long time.

I know this isn’t the ‘proper’ or correct thing to say. But I do have to admit that if my DH was still living under a grey cloud of malaise and having breakdowns over half a decade after the initial bereavement I’d have reached the end of my tether.

There comes a point where you have chosen to live your life for the dead instead of those who live and breathe around you. You have to find a way to break away from grief and live. It’s miserable for you, but your emotional state will be impacting those around you severely too.

See if your GP has a social prescriber who can direct you to grief support groups and mental health sheds etc.

Dh was there for me when my dad died but only admitted getting it when his own dad died. I think everyone who hasn’t gone through it tries to be there but probably essentially is feigning support as inside they’re probably wondering why you haven’t gotten over it/ when you’ll be ok etc

I think when raw grief endures time supporting people can get a bit fatigued OP. Are you a bit stuck maybe? complicated grief can need a bit of a hand to get through.

Have you lost a parent?

Sorry for your loss OP. It must be hard to have lost two wonderful parents, presumably when most of your friends still have theirs.

What would your parents have wanted? Would they want you to still be grieving and bursting into tears years later? The best gift you can give them is to make the most of your own life.

I do feel for your DH. He has obviously been doing his best but it is hard to be with someone who is under a cloud when there is no end in sight. He has been patient and supportive. Have you also been supportive of him and making the most of your life together?

I’m so sorry @ckm043107 I’ve lost my mum so I understand a part if what you’ve been feeling. I think I would suggest couple counselling for you both. There’s a lot going on here and I think if the relationship is good in other ways counselling would help. Sending you a hug.

So he was acting with you, pretending to care?!

What a heartless thing to do and an even more heartless thing to tell you. Why did he tell you this? Strange thing to admit.