to think my elderly dad needs to eat less?

[LouuLou]

I know this sounds harsh. 72 year old DF has already had a heart bypass and is now very immobile. He’s steadily getting bigger and bigger, and it’s reached the point where it’s affecting his care.

We can’t even weigh him anymore because we can’t get him onto scales. The carers are struggling to move him, bathe him and change him. When he fell recently, even two paramedics had difficulty getting him up and into a w
wheelchair.

I do understand that food is one of the few comforts he has left. I’m not blind to that, and I’m not trying to take away the only thing he enjoys. But at the same time, this is starting to feel unsafe and unsustainable for everyone involved, including him.

My brother does the online food shop and just buys whatever DF asks for, including things like fried chicken. I’ve tried to say maybe we should rein that in a bit, but he thinks DF should just have what he wants. The carers also tend to give him whatever he asks for.

So I feel like I’m the only one thinking long-term about his health and practical care and I end up sounding like the bad one.

AIBU to think we need to put some limits in place, even if he won’t like it?

He is at home with carers visiting. DB does the food shop. The carers give him what he asks for.

He also has packets of biscuits and crisps around him in the daytime and by his bed.

If you were a man talking about his wife rather than daughter and father, it would be clearly seen as abuse. By all means encourage him to eat better, but actually restricting an adults diet against their wishes is wrong.

We are not going to restrict his diet. He can keep eating the junk. It is his wish so it will be respected.

Makes life harder for the carers and the paramedics but it is his wish so it is fine.

Carers and paramedics are trained in safe manual handling,and have safe moving equipment, I've cared for hundreds of patients over 15stone. He needs a risk assessment, suitable equipment, does he have a hospiral style bed, can he help himself using his arms.

As he has capacity and funds, he should do his own online shop so that OP doesn't need to feel complicit. His compulsive eating and weight will be putting a massive strain on his own health, his life expectancy and the NHS.

OP isn’t. Her brother does the shopping

He’s only 15 stone?! Fuck me from the way you described him OP, I figured he was more lik 30!

He sounds depressed. I think the way forward is to try and give him some motivation in life.
72 is really not that old at all. Most people i know that age lead full lives, have hobbies, meet friends.
As others have said it is his choice what and how much he eats. It would be abusive to overrule him.
The carers are doing a paid job, if it's getting too much for thrm, thrn it's for thror employers to sort, not the patient!

I’m disabled.

i have friends who need hoisting from bed to wheelchair due to injuries.

it is bordering on impossible to lose weight in that situation.

i’ve tried the frozen healthy ready meals. They taste shit. I do eat healthily - I’m vegan (mostly) and eat a lot of fresh fruit and veg but it’s not easy.

exercise is damn near impossible. I swim but the fucking palaver of using a chair hoist in a swimming pool is something else - nobody’s on shift today who is trained, sorry we didn’t know you were coming blah blah fucking blah.

i do a chair based exercise class but it costs money (even though subsidised) because they need professionals to deal with all the disabilities that come - your average yoga course doesn’t cover this.

the class I go to they have details of charities that will help fund it. But you need to fill in an 8 page application form,

yes many carer s around me cannot read or write and a few can’t speak English either. Not sure how that is supposed to work,

Yes he has a hospital style bed. He struggles to use one of his arms due to an injury.

He refuses to do anything online.

It is only a guess. I don't know. He could be a lot more. I can't get him on the scales. He is obese now.

If the GP is concerned they can arrange for him to be weighed on sitting scales.

so what? My nan died at probably 26 stone, but like she said - she was dying of incurable cancer. Why would she deny herself some treats? It’s really nothing to do with you

I am the one sitting with him when an ambulance needs to be called because he has fallen over and watching the paramedics and care staff struggling with him.

When he was not so heavy, myself and DH could pick him up.

How is it nothing to do with me?

His body, his choice.

So, there are enablers. This makes management of the problem extremely hard.

True. I best leave him to it then.

If he's bedbound and wheelchair bound he shouldn't fall. If he does fall then no one should be lifting him until he has been medically assessed and they are trained in safe manual handling. That's the same for everyone, regardless of a person's weight or ability. Is he on any medication. The care agency, alarm providers or emergency services can be first responders if he has a care or falls alarm if you want to step back,

What a terrible waste of life. 72 is no age to be like that. You said his prognosis was that he could live for years.
I can quite see that if someone had a likely short time left to live then none of this would matter and enjoying food would enhance what time was left. But that's not the case here, would he be more mobile if he was lighter?

Also I can understand digital exclusion in the very elderly but not at 72!

72 isn't elderly these days. How big is he? What sized clothes are you buying? You can't put him on some sort of diet against his will, but could you persuade him to eat more fruit and vegetables (for his health) rather than telling him to eat less. It does sound like eating is pretty much his only pleasure being immobile and housebound. They definitely need to improve the lifting arrangements if people are getting injured moving him.

Well, yes. My dad is 72 and incredibly active, I’m not about to pass judgment on his life choices.

To be honest I’d leave him be.

Nothing you say or do will stop him but it may eradicate trust between you and help the situation go from bad to worse.

The medical professionals will have spoken to him already and they will keep their conversations confidential.

Staying neutral is the best way for you to go. You can’t make choices for your adult father.

Also I can understand digital exclusion in the very elderly but not at 72!

OP says he struggles to use one arm due to an injury. That could make it difficult to hold a tablet and use a keyboard or touchscreen.

(And judging by a lot of threads on Mumsnet, a lot of people a lot younger than 72 don't know how to use the internet effectively.)

You acknowledge that food is one of his few remaining pleasures. Maybe you could work with him to change that ie find other things he can still enjoy as a starting point. Is anything be done to help him remobilise? Because from how you describe his life I can certainly see the attraction of eating oneself to death.