to think my elderly dad needs to eat less?

[LouuLou]

I know this sounds harsh. 72 year old DF has already had a heart bypass and is now very immobile. He’s steadily getting bigger and bigger, and it’s reached the point where it’s affecting his care.

We can’t even weigh him anymore because we can’t get him onto scales. The carers are struggling to move him, bathe him and change him. When he fell recently, even two paramedics had difficulty getting him up and into a w
wheelchair.

I do understand that food is one of the few comforts he has left. I’m not blind to that, and I’m not trying to take away the only thing he enjoys. But at the same time, this is starting to feel unsafe and unsustainable for everyone involved, including him.

My brother does the online food shop and just buys whatever DF asks for, including things like fried chicken. I’ve tried to say maybe we should rein that in a bit, but he thinks DF should just have what he wants. The carers also tend to give him whatever he asks for.

So I feel like I’m the only one thinking long-term about his health and practical care and I end up sounding like the bad one.

AIBU to think we need to put some limits in place, even if he won’t like it?

No diabetes. He has been tested.

The carers and paramedics also don't have a choice when having to move him. One carer has hurt her back already.

He is over 15 stone I think. He was 5'7 but has shrunk - I don't know what he is now.

Good Heavens! He is old before his time. My husband is older (just) than him and we are currently in training for a marathon walk.
Of course he should go on a diet. Like PP have suggested he would qualify for weight loss injections. You need to have words with your brother. He is not being kind.

this is the opposite of what all health professionals usually say: sedentary life kills you before your time

Part of the problem will be that if he doesn't (or can't) move about much, his calorie requirement will be really quite low. You've only got to pop onto the weight loss threads on here to see how miserable life can be if you don't need many calories and are trying to lose weight.

Can you have a word with his GP and talk about your concerns?

If the GP isn’t concerned, then his weight can’t be at a dangerous level. If a carers hurt their back, then you need to speak to the agency and get them to have better training on the how to move people.

I would definitely try to encourage him to eat healthier or maybe speak to a dr and see if they can help. A family member was morbidly obese at 60 and died in a horrific way with no dignity due to the weight. She basically got stuck somewhere and nobody could lift her and had a massive heart attack. Her body had to stay in the house for hours and hours afterwards as they couldn’t get a big enough vehicle to transport it. It was really devastating for family and something that I know she would never have wanted. I wouldn’t want anyone else to go through that.

If he can't get it himself just cut the portion size. He'll whine and complain but what's he gonna do? Get up and get it himself?

That said your brother is classic enabler so you'd have to take full reign on this. Good luck to you though, all you can do is your best.

I thought that being sedentary was a leading cause of disease a d death?

He is only 72 though, and could realistically live for another ten years, so it would probably be beneficial in the long run to improve his diet somewhat just by limiting some of the healthy food.

Carers shouldn’t be struggling or injuring themselves using a hoist! I would raise this with the company management because it sounds like they need further training and oversight to keep themselves and your Dad safe!

The GP won’t be concerned because they are used to it. He’s one of many.

15st isn’t too heavy to be hoisted, it’s better to improve the hoist he has now so the carers aren’t injured. Is he in the right sling size?

He’s not going to change they never do. He’s happy so why would he change.

Basically your DB should not be in charge of his shopping and his carers should be behaving responsibly when feeding him.

One of my aunts, who had dementia which affected her appetite and also her memory of having eaten, suddenly started eating a lot more and started putting on loads of weight.

After discussion with her care home the home took responsibility for supervising and regulating her food intake.

DB can’t keep shovelling food his way until DF is obese to keep him quiet until as it’s not ethical.

15 stone at 5’7 is obese.

The GP should be concerned that his food intake is going to impact his health, cause him more problems that he already has and cost the NHS a lot of money.

All true.

But he’s still an an adult
with capacity who can chose to make bad decisions.

It’s not morbidly obese, and won’t qualify for WLI on the nhs for a good while yet I don’t think.

Make him aware that putting on weight will restrict his choices, carers, ability to stay at home.
Thats all you can do. He has capacity to make bad choices.

The meals are mostly given by carers who change on sometimes a daily or weekly basis. It is difficult to get them on board with anything.

Yikes big oof there. Are they through an agency? If they are I'd recommend speaking to them about portion size and food limitations.

When my mum had carers; she had a file they had to read every time they came and check in. In that file we put instructions such as

Encourage eating
Add sugar and cream to tea and coffee

(mum was underweight)

So cant you put in the file something similar to encourage healthier foods etc

He has capacity, he is choosing to eat like this despite needing to be hoisted about. I think it would serve you better to just accept your father is not going to change. Carers do not have to put themselves at risk and they are trained to not do this if they feel uncertain about a lift being safe.

I’ve just seen your post saying carers are always changing and some can’t read or write! That’s not acceptable at all. They need to be able to follow his written care plans and risk assessments and write a record of their visits in order to deliver safe care. Is his care arranged privately or through the local authority? If it’s the former, have you checked the company’s CQC registration and rating? If it’s the latter, you need to be raising these issues with his social worker. It sounds like poor quality care is compounding an already difficult situation. You might want to consider changing companies. Unfortunately, there has been an increase in exploitation in the care industry in recent years, and there are some unscrupulous agencies out there. Even with well established, reputable companies, a high turnover is unfortunately pretty common, but they should aim for as much consistency as possible, and carers should certainly be literate and properly trained in moving & handling!

He has capacity so you have no right to make decisions for him. This includes decisions that are unhealthy, even if they negatively affect others (unless illegal).

You can have a chat with him about your concerns, but you can't take away his freedom to make choices.

Would you feel like you had the right to dictate what your 25 year old child put in their shopping trolley? Or your 45 year old sister? People don't become children as soon as they turn 65.

Frankly, the only decision you have to make is how much you're willing to support him.

It’s obese category 1. And who’s talking about WLIs? He just needs to eat less.

Exactly. My mum, paralysed by a stroke, was alcohol dependent. She was in a care home where she was still allowed to drink. Because other than her paralysis, she was mentally exactly the same as before her stroke. So she had the right to make poor choices.