to think my elderly dad needs to eat less?

[LouuLou]

I know this sounds harsh. 72 year old DF has already had a heart bypass and is now very immobile. He’s steadily getting bigger and bigger, and it’s reached the point where it’s affecting his care.

We can’t even weigh him anymore because we can’t get him onto scales. The carers are struggling to move him, bathe him and change him. When he fell recently, even two paramedics had difficulty getting him up and into a w
wheelchair.

I do understand that food is one of the few comforts he has left. I’m not blind to that, and I’m not trying to take away the only thing he enjoys. But at the same time, this is starting to feel unsafe and unsustainable for everyone involved, including him.

My brother does the online food shop and just buys whatever DF asks for, including things like fried chicken. I’ve tried to say maybe we should rein that in a bit, but he thinks DF should just have what he wants. The carers also tend to give him whatever he asks for.

So I feel like I’m the only one thinking long-term about his health and practical care and I end up sounding like the bad one.

AIBU to think we need to put some limits in place, even if he won’t like it?

Not with your dad maybe, but what about their next call to poor Doris with sight loss who needs that support and is probably being under or over medicated??

Sorry you are going through this. My DF's diet is appalling too.

He loves trifle. He wants a family size trifle not the individual small trifles. Lots of slices of cakes, egg custard tarts, Mr Kipling cakes, biscuits, shortbread, sometimes 10+ packets of crisps a day, hot chocolate, cheesecake.

It is so much junk.

That is worrying I agree.

We have changed a few times already but the carers seem to be pretty much the same. Finances are not great so it is restrictive what we can choose.

The op said the carers can’t read or write.

Op do any HCPs visit regularly? Can you arrange to be there at any appointments?

I have been there for social worker visits. I have had a word with the HCPs. They have spoken to DF and he says he will make changes but then it is back to usual. He will say the right things in front of the professionals.

I came to say the same.

I think at this point op I'd probably leave him be on balance. Different if he told you he was worried about it, but if he's paying for the fried chicken with one hand and new clothes with the other, I think he's made his decision.

I get that it is hard for his carers but none of us are obliged to diet for other people's convenience, except perhaps parents who still have young dependent DC, which I am guessing you are not.

How will you feel if you restrict his food and he dies soon anyway? He doesn't sound healthy full-stop. I'd let him enjoy himself. He probably looks forward to that chicken. And if he is at the stage of being hoisted, I doubt he's going to get to a place that is good for his health anyway.

I would not want carers who cannot read or write, that's outrageous, a major safety concern, how can they know his needs, his assessments, his careplans. They are supposed to keep records of each visit. I would report that to adult social services. Who is paying for his care.

Yes, I'd be more worried about his meds than the trifle tbh!

Yes he can choose what he eats. However it will get to the point where he can no longer be safely cared for at home unless the ceiling can support a ceiling hoist. But a ceiling hoist also has weight limits. The carers won't be able to turn him to wash him so his skin integrity will suffer and he'll probably end up with pressure sores.
If he wants to stay at home and not move into nursing care then he needs to lose weight but it's his choice and he probably won't make the correct choice. Watching somebody eat themselves to death is awful but as long as he has capacity there's nothing anyone can do. There isn't any medical reason for him not to be able to mobilise so can you get him up and out and moving before it's too late?

Yes he has made his decision.

I have had to call the ambulance several times as he has fallen over and even myself and the two carers are unable to pick him up. His choices are having negative effects on others. It is just letting him enjoy himself? It wasn't very enjoyable for him when we were waiting for several hours for the ambulance to come and deal with his head injury after having fallen.

He partially pays for his care and the council pay as well.

The care staff change so frequently by the time someone is reported they have already left.

The meds are pre-packaged by the chemist so the meds are fine.

He can't stand for more than a few seconds. I can't mobilise him as he is too heavy.

I know it's hard to watch OP, and it isn't the decision I would take if I were him but I just don't see you can really force him against his will. I think you just have to find your peace where you can with it, and if it's knowing he enjoys his food, then I guess that is what you focus on.

I realise I cannot force him but his decisions are making things hard for a lot of people. But yes his choice. DB can carry on buying him junk.

Is he likely to lose much by cutting back?

Even people doing exercise and fully committed struggle to shift pounds. It sounds as though he'd need to lose a lot to become mobile or not need the hoist?

They would need a Deprivation of Liberties Order to take his right to choose away which they rightfully won’t get one because he has capacity.
He might benefit more, both mentally and physically, from chair based exercise which in the long term could help with his mobility.

I'd still report the agency that employ them, how did they get through the interview. He needs s different agency, don't buy him food, let your brother know you feel this is a risk, if the GP has no concerns then I don't know what else you can do except put your concerns in writing, at least you've done your best. I don't think 15st is unmanageable. You sound quite angry with everyone, that won't help you.

It would help even if he did not gain anymore. I am buying him bigger clothes more often now.

I am not angry with anyone.

I am worried about DF. His choices are having a negative impact on his family, the carers and the paramedics.

Yes that sounds fair!

They may not be fine, don't assume.

The care agency my friend works for is very clear about this. The chemist is only human, humans make mistakes. The carers have to check the blister pack to ensure the tablets in that day's pack match the written description of the tablets that should be in there. Sometimes the wrong tablets are in the blister pack, or there will be two round blue ones and one long orange one, rather than one blue and two orange.

They have to check each time and confirm in the app that they have done this.

With my mum's drinking, my brother and I didn't really get involved. She was paralysed down one side, endured horrible nerve pain, and was largely helpless, apart from the use of one arm. Yet she was mentally 100%

Stuck in her care home, and later an extra care flat with carers, it transpired that whisky and cigarettes/vapes were her only pleasure, frankly. And even if we could have blocked her supply, to us, it seemed cruel to do so.

It sounds like food is your dad's only pleasure.
I totally understand the frustration though.

@LouuLou

>> He’s steadily getting bigger and bigger,
>> and it’s reached the point where it’s
>> affecting his care.

Is he at home with carers visiting?
Or is he in an aged care unit or similar?

Someone is either filling his cupboard and refrigerator

OR

He's doing well to have excess food delivered if he can afford it

OR

The carers/staff are not doing full duty of care.